to tell her that her child is unkind?

[Ludobik]

DS (8) has a "friend" who is horrible to him. Frequently says "Ugh, you can't play with me today", consistently puts him down, takes the piss out of him, calls him stupid and annoying. I've seen this happen.

DS is on the spectrum, is extremely gentle and passive, and is liable to be picked on a lot because of this, and the fact he struggles to stand up for himself. He really struggles with friendships as other children tend to walk all over him. We are trying to work on this separately with him but it's a long old slog.

Anyway, my problem with this particular child is his mother seems completely deluded about him and thinks her son is lovely. She constantly posts on social media about him saying "to our kind and gentle boy, you're so considerate of everyone, so friendly" etc etc. It is demonstrably totally untrue. I've seen this boy be horrible to multiple other children, not just my own DS, and horrible to his own mother. He doesn't seem to get disciplined, ever - if she witnesses him being horrible to other children she either ignores it or calls him out in so soft a way as to be completely ineffective. e.g. "oh dear, maybe we should be kinder next time". It's really winding me up as yesterday DS came home in tears yet again because this child had told him he wasn't allowed to join in the game at lunchtime. WIBU to say something to her?! When I've discussed with her before she's been very much, oh I believe in letting kids assert their boundaries. Well fine, but he can do that without being unkind! My DS doesn't struggle in the same way with any other child and he's not the only one who gets treated like this by this boy.

I’m sorry that’s really upsetting. but I wouldn’t do it as it’ll likely backfire on you.

parents like that have rose tinted glasses on. I’ve been a nanny a long time and these parents are on another planet.

Could he be happier maybe in another class?

There's only one class per year. We've seriously considered pulling him out of school to home educate him as he really does struggle massively with the social aspect even though he's extremely academic. But that's a whole other thread really.

I think if it’s happening at school then take it up with school. It never works out going directly to the parents IME!

Ime no good ever comes from telling a parent their precious dc is a little shit..
Help ds widen his friendship pool. Out of school activities.. Help ds gain confidence and let him see what a nice friend is like. Then he can gain the guts to walk away from Little Shit friend... 8 or not some dc are just awful.

Have you spoken to the school?
If they are useless then I am a massive supporters of going to the parents I hate this new idea of never confronting them.

If their kids is a little shit it should be their problem not just societies to deal with.

Never, ever speak to the parents. Not ever. It never, ever ends well.

I really feel for him, I went to school with a girl who used to treat me like that. She would tell me I had sit alone, couldn’t play etc. horrible girl but her parents thought she was so wonderful.

maybe a new school for next year if that’s at all possible.

If she is posting such stuff online (assume Facebook) I bet others are eye rolling too. Just respond with the laughing emoji. 😉

That’s a good idea 😂

There's a dickhead everywhere you go, and this is the lesson here. You have observed how she is, and while ideally she'd show empathy, you already know she won't so save yourself the time, it will backfire.

Use the energy to teach your DS what a friend is, how a friend behaves, and how to give the idiots the swerve so he's got the skills he needs moving forward rather than removing this particular obstacle, because more will pop up for usre.

You can say something if you want to but I doubt it will make a blind bit of difference. The mother enables it so there will be no consequences. She will probably make out that you are the problem and turn herself in to a victim.

Concentrate on building your own child’s self esteem. Encourage him to choose his own boundaries and teach him how to say no to this child. Try play dates with other children to increase confidence and create other friendships.

Speak to the teacher and ask that they monitor the situation.

I can see why you would want to say something but I wouldn’t bother because it won’t do anything and so I would go via the school instead.

As for considering home ed as an option, I would definitely consider it. As a veteran of the home ed world, I’ve met many children similar to your son and seen them thrive in all areas (including socially).

What do you think it will achieve?

You need to speak to the school if a child is upsetting yours during school. Speak to the parents directly about any incidents that happen outside of the school but I would be very specific because just telling a parent that you think their child is unkind is unlikely to end in a positive outcome.

If she's as you describe, she's never, ever going to believe that her child is a little shit. It would be totally pointless to point this out to her, even in a diplomatic way.
I'd take this opportunity to teach your son about kindness and about how to treat others - ie absolutely NOT like his little 'friend'. Encourage him to ignore bully boy and not engage with him.

Telling a parent that their kid is an arsehole will never go down well.

Go to the school and deal with the behaviour through them.

Take her off your social media as well, it's pissing you off having her on there.

I kmow so many parents who will never believe their child does any wrong so it might be a waste of time op.

Telling her might briefly make you feel better but it’s unlikely to help your child.
It’s more likely to make it worse.
She does not want to hear what you’ve got to say.
What is schools take on this.
If it’s happening at school then it’s for them to be speaking to her and helping Ds deal with this. You need to go through them.

Concentrate on building your own child’s self esteem. Encourage him to choose his own boundaries and teach him how to say no to this child. Try play dates with other children to increase confidence and create other friendships

Good advice from @TimetoPour

And rest assured, you won't be the only person who rolls their eyes / sniggers when they see Mum's FB posts. Just ignore them

Unfollow on FB and don't waste your breath.

Little Johnny farts Chanel No5 - there is a reason he is the way he is.

Encourage your child to play with other, nicer children.

I would message the parent. How can anyone correct the behaviour if mum doesn't know.

You don't need to go in all guns blazing just a quick text to say dc has come back from school upset again because child keeps telling him he can't play. Can she have a word and leave it at that.

The school have been useless to be honest. They've done whole class sessions on being kind etc but won't speak to the individual child in question and have just said DH needs to learn to be more assertive. He does, but he's having all the confidence knocked out of him at the moment.

What have you done to help him with resilience? He will unfortunately meet these types all his life. It is up to us as parents to help our children to cope with them without it affecting their self-esteem/ confidence.

It is tough. Very tough. But the sooner you begin, the better. I speak as an old parent with many children - I wish I had known this when my children were young.

As someone who was bullied a lot in school, I have every sympathy with you and your ds, @Ludobik - it is a horrible situation.

I wish my mum had armed me with some things to say to the bullies, instead of just telling me to ignore them (because sticks and stones might hurt my bones etc etc - utter nonsense). Would your boy have the confidence to say "You are being a bully", or "Stop being a bully!" - short sentences that are easy to remember - so he feels he has a ready comeback?

Given that she clearly already knows, I don’t think there’s much point talking to her.

My DS(7) has a friend who can be unkind to him and others. The friend is actually a very sweet kid going through a tough time. We talk a lot about positive friendships, what friendships should look like, how to walk away, etc. If your son isn’t the only one being treated this way then can he team up with some of the others to ensure they have each other’s backs? This is what we have been trying to get DS to do with a couple of others - so they can be each other’s safe spaces as it were.

Also, go back to school. Tell them you want a TA to keep a specific eye on this boy and your DS at break times and step in if exclusion is happening.

I agree with the advice to involve the school. They will be able to be objective and they also see the children’s behaviour day to day so may have a better picture. It could be that other parents have also raised concerns about the child, in which case you doing so as well will reinforce the issue. How effective the school is at this sort of thing will vary but I think it should be the first port of call.

Talking to the parent doesn’t always end badly as some have said, but it rarely does anything useful. I’ve done it a couple of times and it was just pointless as the child just denied everything. And of course his mum would believe him (as any mother would).

I also agree with helping your DS widen his circle of friends. That will help until
secondary school (where their social circle will almost go the other way, and be quite daunting - ultimately great for social skills though!)