to tell her that her child is unkind?

[Ludobik]

DS (8) has a "friend" who is horrible to him. Frequently says "Ugh, you can't play with me today", consistently puts him down, takes the piss out of him, calls him stupid and annoying. I've seen this happen.

DS is on the spectrum, is extremely gentle and passive, and is liable to be picked on a lot because of this, and the fact he struggles to stand up for himself. He really struggles with friendships as other children tend to walk all over him. We are trying to work on this separately with him but it's a long old slog.

Anyway, my problem with this particular child is his mother seems completely deluded about him and thinks her son is lovely. She constantly posts on social media about him saying "to our kind and gentle boy, you're so considerate of everyone, so friendly" etc etc. It is demonstrably totally untrue. I've seen this boy be horrible to multiple other children, not just my own DS, and horrible to his own mother. He doesn't seem to get disciplined, ever - if she witnesses him being horrible to other children she either ignores it or calls him out in so soft a way as to be completely ineffective. e.g. "oh dear, maybe we should be kinder next time". It's really winding me up as yesterday DS came home in tears yet again because this child had told him he wasn't allowed to join in the game at lunchtime. WIBU to say something to her?! When I've discussed with her before she's been very much, oh I believe in letting kids assert their boundaries. Well fine, but he can do that without being unkind! My DS doesn't struggle in the same way with any other child and he's not the only one who gets treated like this by this boy.

He's on the spectrum. It's difficult for him to be assertive because of this. We have worked on various strategies with him and continue to do so.

He simply won't say boo to a goose, this is half the issue. He has occasionally suffered from selective mutism where he simply won't speak.

We do lots of outside groups e.g. beavers, and it tends to be the same thing there.

This is why we are seriously considering home education. He did really well with that during Covid.

Go back to the school and be more insistent that they deal with this. If (as you say) this boy is being unkind to lots of children, then the school should be aware of it, and take steps to stop him dominating play and deciding who may participate.

My son also needs to be better at dealing with a problem friend too - he just hasn't encountered it much and having no siblings he needs to learn to push back or tell him to piss off or drop him and play with someone else. At the end of the day these are essential life skills and I have told him it's fine to practise them on his problem friend, and he won't be in trouble with me.

There was a kid like this at DD's primary school (isn't there always one!) Mean, unkind, made other children cry, was manipulative at play. I spent time with DD working on ways to deal with it. I didn't intend to speak to the Mum but got caught in a conversation where honesty prevailed! So I did say DD is unlikely to come to your kids birthday because they don't get on. Huge surprise to Mum, apparently also a surprise to the child who came into school the next day asking DD why they weren't friends. DD also took the lid off several years of simmering resentment and told her. That led to a very explosive few weeks at school!
On the plus side DD was hugely empowered by saying no, that's enough but other friends/Mums were in an awkward position and I did lose a bit of respect for a few people.
OP I think you can't fix this but you can limit your exposure - hide her on Facebook for a start and continue supporting your son the best way you can. School can be a brutal environment for a sensitive child. I found role play was helpful for my DD - unfortunately dealing with unpleasant people is a life skill we all have to learn.

Agreed. All the other parents will be thinking the same thing as you. There is a “friend” in our friendship group who is this mum… her DC is a complete brat because she never ever tells her off. As a result they never get invited over for play dates or to birthday parties. Which is a real shame because the mum tries to make such an effort but can’t see what she is doing wrong. It does the child a massive disservice in the long run.

The mum sounds a bell end. When people talk to their child on Facebook as if their child is reading it, I feel sick. I think it's extremely healthy to disengage from many people on FB. I have zero friends on it so I can just use it for what I like and don't have to see all this nonsense. Mute her if possible so you don't have to feel aggravated.

Go back to the school and gently ask for so e more support for your son with social issues. I would use the SEN support agenda here. You can explain that you are guiding as much as possible but in school, as an Autistic person, he needs additional support here. Don't speak too ill of the other kid as you'll look like one of those mums. You can do it delicately.

He will learn in time through experience. It will just take longer for him to do so. Its possible this is hurting you an awful lot more than it is your son. I found that often to be the reality with my own Autistic son.

Your DS sounds so lovely. He shouldn't have to alter his responses or behaviour to try to accommodate this nasty child. Please tell the school you are seriously considering leaving unless they address this for what it is-which is bullying.
I wouldn't bother with the mother, she's clearly deluded.

Does he have a separate SEN teacher or I would speak to governors or other parents maybe who's child has been treated badly by this boy or call him out in front of his mum ask him why he keeps doing this to your son see what he says

I agree. I'd just tell your son to stay away.

When I was teaching I had a 14 year old boy confront me with "I said are you stupid or something?". I gave him a detention and his mum came in to complain because apparently in their family "they encourage debste".

If you have the resources, desire, capacity and ability to ensure adequate socialising opportunities for DS, go ahead with the home educating. He'll be a lot happier.

Are there any nice kids that ds likes that you could nurture a friendship with by inviting them round to play? Are all the boys playing together at lunchtime so only he is excluded? If so I would talk to the teacher, if not I would encourage him to avoid this boy and play with someone else.

I wouldn't approach the mother, she's obviously delusional and it will only end badly.