To really not want to go back to work

[Ireallydontwanttogo]

I have been on maternity leave since may and I am due to go back in about six weeks. I know I’ve been really lucky to have had this time, but there are two aspects to not wanting to go back.

1. its been lovely being able to be around during the day. Things like Mother’s Day and Christmas events for the older one. No mad rush and frantic stressing to get out of the house first thing. Being able to do things when it’s not so busy.
2. I hate my job I do three days a week and I know I’m lucky to have this much. But as everyone knows two days with very small children isn’t really a ‘break’ and there’s going to be the frantic mornings with two of them to get up and ready and out of the house. Three days at nursery feels like a lot in a way (eldest dc currently does two) and I don’t know how the baby will adapt.

There will be good things. More money and so on. I just really don’t enjoy being at work and balancing the needs of two children as well feels a lot, especially when the youngest one inevitably falls ill.

It's completely your decision. If you can afford to be a SAHM, then do. You won't owe anybody an explanation.

Oh there’s no way I could

Do you have a partner? Because if so, it should be both of you balancing those needs. And when it comes to time off work because a child is ill, that should absolutely be split unless it's physically impossible for him to take time off (and by that I mean, he's off working on an oil rig, not that his job is just so much more important than yours).

What do you hate about your job? Could you get a new one?

Can you afford to be a SAHM? If you can I would 100%. Life isn’t just about work and money, you have to look after yourself as well.

If not, can you start looking for a new job? That way you can return to horrible job for however long needs be to not have to pay back maternity leave, and then will feel better knowing you don’t have to be stuck there.

I love my job and returned both times but I can’t say I ever wanted to at the time. I think it’s normal to not want to, but if you can’t afford to make that choice then I promise you it will get easier once you are back and you’ll get into a new routine and it will all be fine. See how you go for 6 months and then review.

I quit work in December after having my second and it’s the best thing I did. I worked FT Mon-Fri in the city centre and I just couldn’t get my head around the logistics of continuing to do that with two kids. The youngest would have to be in FT nursery and the eldest in FT wrap around care (again.) I asked work for PT and they predictably turned it down so it made the decision for me.

It’s been great. Like you say I have not missed any of my eldest school events, or any of my youngest ‘firsts’ like I did last time. Tea is from scratch on the table every day at 5 o’clock and weekends are now actually family time instead of running around like a blue arse fly trying to catch up on all the cleaning and errands that were missed in the week.

We have had to have a big change of lifestyle to accommodate this, streamlined our outgoings and changed our shopping habits but it’s been entirely doable and worth the sacrifice for us. I’m thinking about looking for PT work when the baby is entitled to his free hours but we’ll see. I think if it’s financially viable for you definitely do it. I have the rest of my adult life to work for somebody else but my kids will never be this little again.

Move jobs. Life’s too short.

Well, it’s up to you. The reasons you’ve stated for and against are common amongst many parents. If you can afford it, and your OH, if you have one, is on board, then go for it. Keep in mind your pension and your career for the future, though.

I'd say you need a new job. I loved my job and was keen to get back to it (and feel like I was good at something again 😂).

I didn’t particularly want to return after a year off with dd2, but I went back 3 days a week and it was fine and we all adapted quickly. You’re at home more than you’re at work, still plenty of time to do stuff with the kids. It was a perfect balance for me.

I did enjoy my job, though.

You need to share the load equally with your partner form day one of return and don't pick up his slack.

If you can't afford to be a SAHM then that is your decision made really. I work three days per week and it's ok in terms of childcare. Three days of nursery is fine, they're home with you more of the week than they're not and I think it definitely helped my DDs with the transition to school.

I can't say I love my job and I wasn't delighted to return to work but overall as a family it's given us more than it's taken away. Certainly money (once nursery fees were over) but also my pension contributions and DH and I parent more equally....it doesn't all fall to me.

I would see out this year at work and if you're hating it, look for a new job.

Sorry OP I know it is tough but needs must. It's not like most of the rest of us are skipping and singing along as we do to work.

Could you get a job wfh ?
would be a good compromise.

Getting a new job would mean getting a full time one and that’s even less what I want! It’s very unusual for part time roles to be advertised - mostly people start full time (as I did) then request part time after children. So that’s out. Plus it’s close to home.

DH leaves before 7 and gets back at 7 on days when he’s in the office so he’s not able to help really. He will take turns on illness but it’s still problematic: because I am part time there’s very little tolerance to me taking any time off. And if someone falls ill in the day it’s like Fort Knox trying to get out to collect a child.

3 days a week sounds perfect to me. I'd look for another part time job even if lower paid.

If it was lower paid that would negate the point though … would be better to go back two days!

Hi OP, this was me in jan!

I went back when DC2 was 6 months, I brought it forward 3 months because I wanted my boss to agree me dropping a day and going from 4 to 3 days a week, and she agreed. When it came round I was thinking what on earth have I done!? I was the same and really enjoyed being present for DC1, and felt terribly uncomfortable about going back. But I'm pleased to say that now; 3 months in I feel so happy I'm doing what I'm doing. I also felt going back early meant I was left alien when u got back because it had only been 6 months of work I'd missed.
I find that I am busy all the time, but I guess part of me likes that. I do worry when DC1 goes to school in September and how I'm going to cope with nursery drop off and pick up, school drop off and pick up and school events, illness etc, and we don't get any help from grandparents etc but I've only had 1 day off when the baby was sent home and that's in 12 weeks so it's not too bad,

I know exactly how you feel because I was the same, I was nearly crying at the thought of going back whenever people spoke to me but I'm so glad I did, plus the money helps.

Well, then he moves jobs too, surely? His current job/commute is too inflexible to facilitate your job.

Also, meant to say my job has its ups and downs so I get when you don't really like your job that much, but for me I'd rather had a slightly stressful day at work sometimes than a boring and monotonous day at home (as bad as that sounds)

Also, remember going back to your 3 days a week job doesn't have to be a long term thing, just go back, see how it feels and go from there. What I've realised is you don't have to have everything planned and sorted straight away. Sometimes it's nice to check out a bit, take it easy and feel less invested at work.

Couldn't your DH look for a job where he isn't out of the house 12 hours a day?

Thanks @abp you’re so good going back so early. I’ve been so blessed having a year off, but I think that’s fuelling a bit of anxiety as well. Colleagues have left and been replaced, everything’s moved and changed and it feels like starting a new job.

DH getting a new job is out of the question, he earns more than double what I do even if I was full time. It’s unfair in many ways but his work has to be the priority. It is a bit more flexible than mine but if he’s out of the country or hundreds of miles away it isn’t (obviously.)

I think this is normal. I really enjoy my job, especially as the weather is improving, but never want to come back after time off. I don't really get all these people that base their self worth off their job. Like, yeah, it's better to be financially independent but work is still really just a tool to obtain money.

This is definitely the most daunting point. You've not developed a routine, you're anxious about settling back in, and you know you've got sickness to deal with. Going back in may is good as hopefully you'll get less sickness and by winter 2024 you'll have got your legs under the table a bit more. Sounds like a good job in many ways, close, part time etc. your DH needs to step up on the weekends and help you get organised for the week. You can do this!