Facebook posts after relatives death

[Celticnewyear]

Very recently lost a grandparent. They were into their nineties and had never used a computer and certainly have no friends using Facebook! We are a very small family and I’ve no doubt anyone who needed to know about the death was informed within 30 mins or so of it happening.

About 30 mins after being told myself, my sibling had already posted an announcement/sympathy post of it on social media. I’m 39 weeks pregnant with first DC and I was quite upset that my grandparent won’t get to meet them and my sibling has posted lots of pics of my grandparent holding their babies for the first time which has upset me.

My dad is a very private person who is struggling with the loss of his parent and seeing these posts from my sibling will probably upset him too.

AIBU to be firstly baffled why people need to turn to social media at times like this and second am IBU to be upset about the pics being shared? I’m aware I’m a hormonal mess atm so prepared to be told that I’m being ridiculous but I find the whole thing unnecessary especially when it’s not to ‘announce’ a death or give details of a funeral.

YANBU to be upset but YABU to judge how others deal with their grief. I didn’t write a post but I did change my cover picture to my Nan when she died. It brought me some comfort but I can’t really explain why. My uncle (not blood related to my Nan) sent me a message telling me to change it. It was my way of grieving and he had the choice not to look at my profile.

If you or your dad are finding it upsetting, you can ‘mute’ someone for 30 days on Facebook.

I mean, we are all different. Some people take comfort in keeping their feelings private, retreating from others. And some immediately reach out to others for comfort. When someone dies family and friends tend to gather round, and this post is your sister's way of letting people know she needs them to gather round her. It's much easier to do this on social media when you are grieving than in person because you don't have to make any effort, don't have to answer the door, don't have to respond until you are ready to. Sometimes it's just a way to signal 'hey world, I am feeling a bit fragile so please give me some consideration for a few days' and sometimes it's just a bit of a celebration of life, feeling like you want to acknowledge publicly that this amazing person you loved has left this world.

On the second point, I don't think it will have occurred to her yet that you're feeling sad that your child won't meet your grandmother, that might be something you need to spell out to her. But the pictures she chose are part of showing how much your grandmother meant to her and her family and I don't think she was being unreasonable to post them.

Anyway, I'm really sorry for your loss I'm sure you're feeling devastated, angry, lonely but that's all the more reason not to fall out with your sister over this. In the grand scheme of things we are all just getting by in the little ways we can.

Using facebook is a way to share news, as well as experiences, with friends and your wider circle. TBH it's often easier to share news like this, rather than have to call/contact people individually. And, of course, you can share photos/videos of the person who has died.

I'm sorry for your loss, but honestly these days, it's very common for people to share news like this.

You'll be upset your grandparent won't meet them either way

For some people social media is a way of saying this person was important to me, they existed, they mattered, I'm hurting

Should have added that I’m sorry for your loss. Especially hard when so close to giving birth. 💐

The only thing I would say is 30 minutes is a bit too soon. I'd perhaps have left it a day so that everyone who needs to be told can be told

It's probably better to just mute your sibling just now if you're struggling.

They obviously grieve differently to you, and that's OK, it's a way of reaching out for support , and part of what social media is for.

It sounds like you cope in a different way and that's OK too, so you just need to minimise the impact on yourself.

So sorry for your loss, its difficult at any time, but being so pregnant must be a whole mix of emotuons for you💐 and good luck with the birth of your dc, I bet you can wait for those newborn scrunchy cuddles.

My thoughts exactly. It's not a good reflection on her that her first thought was to run to Facebook and make a post.

Personally I'd find that behaviour at that speed very self-absorbed, but I wouldn't say anything.

Just block her or avoid her social media for a while whilst you grieve in your own way and she in hers/

I am sorry for your loss.
I voted unreasonable but after reading replies- I actually understand this action better. After my Mum died I had an instinct ( which I didn’t act on) to send pictures and stories of her to friends. I suppose I just want to reminisce and share memories, for others to see how great she was. I didn’t send pictures of course- but what I was craving was what one might get at a wake

My heart goes out to you re: timing. Your sister likely has not made the connection
I recently had a baby and really struggled with idea my mum would not meet baby but I have in my head she is the reason my baby is here. ( I got pregnant after she died so I appreciate it different). I can empathise the importance of photos for some reason I genuinely struggled to accept that I would not have an photo of the people I loved most together ( even though that was physically impossible) .
i did try to remind myself of the circle of life- that one person passes and a new miracle begins. My daughters middle name is my mums

take care

When people are upset about an important thing (bereavement), they often focus on an unimportant thing (trivial thing someone did or said). It’s a distraction strategy and a way of not focusing on the important thing.

It’s OK if it helps but don’t say anything out loud which may cause a future rift.

Some families come together wonderfully at difficult times but sadly many are ruptured. Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance. And 💐 for you.

I posted on facebook when my father died. Friends knew he was in hospital and I was visiting. I kept getting messages and texts asking me how he was doing and hoping he was doing well. The messages although well intentioned were upsetting. It was just easier to tell everyone at once so they stopped.

Hmm, I have to agree with you here. I've no idea why anyone would need to post in the situation you've described. As others have said, I don't think you can raise it with her without causing more upset, but I think it's an odd thing to do.

I'm sorry for your loss. But she was your siblings Gran to and it's her own social media. You say you are "baffled", it just shows everyone is different that's all and everyone deals with grief in different ways.

Just wait for the annual "happy heavenly birthday posts" 🙄 sorry for your loss 💐

I just lost my dad in January and I loved that everyone posted all their photos of him. I saved them all into a big album, scanned in all my own and made a big slideshow to play at the wake.

We do have a very large family through so we did ask everyone not to post anything for the first 24 hours so that we would have time to call everyone (almost 50 calls across a few timezones).

I think some people find some comfort in posting on social media.

It's just a way of sharing news with their circle, and it's also validating - 'my grandparent was important to me, and I am hurting'.

I don't think it's attention-seeking. It's just a low pressure way to share that news without having to contact every friend individually.

Sometimes friends don't know what to say about grief - sharing with everyone at once also allows friends to contact them and offer comfort if they want / feel able to - but if they don't, at least they know the situation.

I personally find this crass but, as others have said, we all deal with this stuff differently. I am super reserved. If I were you I’d mute her and focus on processing your loss in your own way.

Private and dignified..I don't see the need for family photos and gushing prose on FB.

Different people manage grief in different ways. It doesn't sound as if the posts are disrespectful more that you disapprove of the posts. I'd come off Facebook or unfollow your sister.

It's all about the likes!!!!
I would be horrified and upset too. YANBU!

She’s your sibling but that don’t mean you think the same . She had her own relationship with her DGM and so did her kids . It may help her in her grieving process to receive condolences from her social media friends. Although I do think half an hour is rather quick . But maybe she was also just letting people know . There is no right or wrong . Best unfollow her if it upsets you .

I'm sorry for your loss.
I don't think your sibling has done anything wrong. Many people reach out on social media when they're sad. I personally don't but I understand why others do.

I feel for you

But that's the nature of Facebook, I'm afraid. People use it how they like. For example, if you posted wedding photos (not sure if you're married?) it may have upset people who were single not by choice. If you post baby photos in due course, they may upset people who are childless not through choice. If you ever post holiday photos, they may upset people who cannot travel due to health / funds

I think your sibling posting within 30 mins is a bit "me, me, me " but probably best not to fall out over it. I'm sure your gran wouldn't have wanted that

Sorry for your loss. Hope baby lifts your spirits

I'd never do it myself, but YABU to be upset at someone doing it. And really unfair making the comments about them holding other families babies.

Although social media is, by its very nature, a place to share personal news, I kind of agree with you about this, especially if nobody on Facebook is likely to know the deceased person. I'd have checked with other family members before sharing the news and photos. Sorry for your loss.