Should DH have told me this or not?

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My DH is having family trouble at the moment concerning his son (my stepson) and conspiracy theories. I found out by accident yesterday that he had contacted his son’s aunt asking if he could phone her and he subsequently did.
He still hasn’t told me even though I asked if he’d heard anything from his ex’s sister or any of her family about it. He doesn’t know that I am aware they spoke on the phone.

• I shouldn’t worry about it even though he is secretive in other areas of his life

AIBU?

• I have reason for concern because he isn’t sharing things with me as husbands and wives should.

AINBU?

It’s impossible to say without know what the Aunt said - it may not even be about your step son.

Have told you what exactly?

So he spoke to either his sister or ex sister in law. I don't think he has to tell you that?

You expect him to report all his phone calls to you? That's pretty odd.

I'd give him grace on this one - he's clearly dealing with something quite stressful and important, he either wants to keep the phone call private (totally his right) or doesn't have the energy to discuss / divulge right now.

YABU to apply this thinking to everyday life, that doesn't mean he's keeping hundreds of secrets from you! There's no "sharing as husbands and wives should" as a blanket rule, all situations are different.

I think the fact that he's secretive generally has skewed your assessment of this situation.

That doesn't mean it's not a problem in the other areas.

Yabu he most likely needs to discuss something to do with his son and she’s probably the mediator could be a million and one things?!

I wouldn’t give it anymore thought.

How did you find out he'd called ex-SIL?

Snooping through his phone?

My other stepson told me@Crunchymum

As a one off I wouldn't worry. My DH and I tell each other everything, but it can takes days/weeks for us to find the right time and remember to say the thing and be invested enough to say the thing. I guess for you, you may wonder if not telling you for a reason. What would he anticipate your response being to this news?

If he had told me I would’ve been fine about it. He’s just very secretive in general, though it’s probably not deliberate. Stepson 2 probably thought he was putting a spanner in the works so I should probably just ignore it. @dudsville

Why does it bother you?

I think the fact that it bothers you, is probably why he feels he needs to hide these things.

Most people wouldn’t think of telling their partners something so trivial but you are acting like it’s a big deal.
So I’m wondering if he did tell you how you would honestly react.

Do you always tell him every time you speak to your/your kids family?

You sound extremely controlling.

You're annoyed he didn't tell you he spoke to his ex sister in law re his son?
Do you tell him every interaction you have? Have you told him you're posting about him, his sons and the aunt on social media?

The crux of your post is that your husband made a phone call without telling you? 😳 For all I know my husband makes dozens of calls in a day and doesn’t tell me, you know because he doesn’t have to account for every second of his time.

I don’t see why you need to know anything at this point. It regards his son. Maybe he needs to speak with son’s family members about it and agree an approach with them. That doesn’t concern you right now. Maybe he’ll tell you more when there is more to tell.

YANBU to worry he's being secretive.

But this instance doesn't seem the best example as its regarding his son.

I think it’s ok for married couples to keep secrets when it involves someone else’s privacy and I hate it when you get couples who tell each other everything.

For example if I have a problem and I confide in a married friend I am not giving them permission to tell their husband. Likewise if exh’s sibling was having marital problems, for example, I would not expect to be told if they didn’t want me to know.

Op can you give us other examples of when he’s kept a secret because the one you gave sounds quite reasonable.

Is there a problem that he spoke to the aunt?

Is he "not supposed" to speak to ex or any members of her family? Are there problems in that sense?

If no issues in that regard, then yes it's a bit weird you specifically asked if they'd had a conversation and he said no. But he doesn't need to tell you the contents of that conversation.

You are being so unreasonable.

Do you normally keep a running tally of every phone call he makes? What is the issue exactly?

I agree with other posters - this particular occasion doesn't seem like anything to worry about, but I wouldn't like to be with someone who I felt was "secretive" towards me in general. Can you give us any other examples?

Why does he need to tell you he spoke to his ex sil? Don't understand at all, I don't report who I've spoken to. We are in contact with ex family, I don't see the problem.

I don’t understand what the issue is. Can he not phone people without telling you?

Not suggesting that you divulge here but I'd say it depends on what it is and whether it's going to impact on you in the longer term.

If it's something that is going to impact on you (eg stepson will end up living with you), then, yes, you should be kept in the loop. If it's not, then I dont see why you would need to know the details of every exchange.

Given that you know there is a situation he's dealing with, I dont think you need to know of every phone call regarding it.

He probably doesn't have the headspace for another conversation about it.

With regards to being secretive in general, I suppose it depends on whether its because he's keeping stuff from you deliberately that you would have an interest in knowing about (eg losing his job, inappropriate contact with other women or financial concerns) or whether he is just a private person who doesn't want to rehash every conversation with you.

It also depends on whether you are the sort of person who is told things and responds with a cursory interest but trusts him to deal with things appropriately or whether you are someone who wants to dissect and analyse everything.