Can anyone help with this friend situation

[T0PHAT]

I have been friends with someone for about 15 years, mostly because our kids are similar ages and we've been on holiday together lots of times etc. I have other friends who I'm closer to but she is still a friend.

In the last two years she has been diagnosed with so many things like ADHD etc, she seems obsessed and has also now got about five diagnoses for her dd including autism. All through her private health care, none are nhs. Her husband is also getting assessments.

I have an autistic child, clear diagnosis from age 5. I also work with people who have adhd and autism and although I know that it presents differently in different people I'm unsure that they would be assessed as these issues effecting their daily lives detrimentally. She's quite a normal kid, I know her very well.

Anyway when we meet up it is all she wants to talk about and she uses adhd as an excuse for everything including loads of behaviours she never had before! Even though she is apparently medicated now.

I find it really annoying to talk about this all with her all the time, especially when I don't really think they have any issues and struggle to understand the motivation for all the diagnoses.

I have put off seeing her for ages because of this

I know I sound like a right bitch and I wish it didn't get to me but it does

It's not as easy as saying just end the friendship because I can't do that

How can I stop it being an issue? Or can I say I don't really want to talk about adhd today?

I have an autistic child, clear diagnosis from age 5. I also work with people who have adhd and autism

YANBU (I also have ADHD). I would use the above reason. Just tell her that dealing with autism at home and at work every day can be exhausting and you would really appreciate it if we could both avoid talking about it so you can get a break from it.

I have a similar friend... every third (sometimes every second!) sentence ends in 'because I'm ADHD'. I only found out recently that she's not actually got a diagnosis, private or otherwise. Tbh that's the only bit that slightly irritates me - yes she may well have it but surely you'd say 'suspected' or something rather than give the impression you definitely have something that should probably be diagnosed by an impartial professional...

The thing is, I think I possibly have ADD myself, but I've never felt bold enough to say so as I might not, so in some ways her openness is making it easier for me to be more open about some of the things I struggle with. So in your situation, could you try the opposite? 'I really appreciate your openness about ADHD etc but it's something I've got some personal difficulties with, so do you mind if we try to avoid talking about it today as it's a bit challenging for me?' Does that make sense? It's what my mum would probably call a white lie, in that the 'it' that your struggling with is not the ADHD itself but her openness about it...

Thanks for the replies. I think she thinks I have adhd and wants to enlighten me. Even if I do have some traits, I wouldn't get a diagnoses if I answered assessments honestly and I have no need for one anyway. What would I get from it?

I might be able to say something along the lines of not talking about it today but she just wouldn't understand why I wouldn't want to I think. ADHD comes into everything! Her arriving late (never used to) , jokes about tasks and her head being all over the place. Every aspect of life.

I think it's pretty difficult to get diagnosed on the NHS but very easy privately. Obviously you just answer yes or all the time to every question! It feels like it's trendy to have it at the moment as an adult. Someone even suggested I had it, sometimes I think I do. But with my history taking amphetamines on a daily basis would not be a good plan.
If I were you I'd just change the subject. Or quite bluntly say, oh, can we talk about something else?
The main issue is it's boring and makes her seem massively self absorbed. It would be the same if it was another health condition she wouldn't stop gassing on about.

Yes, ultimately she is quite self absorbed and I can't change that about her. Perhaps I'll give it another go this Friday as she has asked to meet up in the evening. I'll see how it goes and try to be brave and change the subject but I don't want to hurt her feelings either!

This is my DB. I’m sure he’s looking for an entry in the Guinness book of records for “The most neurodiverse person ever”. He never shuts up about what’s wrong with him and he’s always chasing the next diagnosis. To be fair, he was diagnosed ADHD in the 1980s, which was really rare back then, and he is severely affected.

To make matters worse he’s a Psychologist, and he’s always pushing me to seek an ADHD diagnosis. He admits it’s highly unethical of him to tell me I have ADHD, so I should find another doctor to diagnose me. I am not remotely arsed with a diagnosis. I’m scatty, clumsy, forgetful and get obsessed with particular interests until I move onto something else. I don’t care, it’s just who I am. I’ve struggled raising a DC with severe autism, and my ‘quirks’ aren’t in the same ballpark.

The irony is that his own child, my gorgeous DN is non-verbal and can’t write at 9 years old, and has no diagnosis. It’s been obvious since he was about 2 that he has ASD, but DB doesn’t want him labelling, despite him struggling at school. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why can't you just tell her you're bored stiff of the subject?

I know someone who I will call a mum acquaintance, rather than a friend, although we do meet for coffee every few months. One of her DC was diagnosed with ADHD about 7-8 years ago, plus two other conditions that I hear are often associated with it, and it’s all she wants to talk about.

It is utterly relentless, and no matter how many times I try and change the subject, it comes back to her DC’s conditions and then the kids at her school who she thinks also have ‘something up with them.’ The last straw was her sending me a barrage of autism links as she’s decided that my DC must be autistic because he still wets the bed (as did I until 12 so it’s largely genetic) and his spelling/writing is a bit behind (this are all being dealt with by us/school).

I limit contact as I find her a bit off running around ‘diagnosing’ other people’s DC, and to be frank, it’s boring. Her DC has been diagnosed for about 7 years now and she has lots of family, friends and professional support so it’s not like she has no one to vent to.

Well I decided to meet with her, the first half hour was fine then she started on all the diagnoses, I changed the subject three times but she just kept coming back to it. Oh well

Can you tell her that when you meet you'd quite like a break from all things adhd etc.

YANBU and this sort of thing really annoys me.

I think I’d be quite pointed about changing the conversation whenever the topic comes up.
If she doesn’t take the hint, say “Let’s talk about something else, I’m not as interested in ADHD as you are”.

If she still persists, next time she asks you to meet up, say you are busy (sounds like the stage you have already reached).

If she ever questions this, something like “I really value you as a friend, it’s just that almost every conversation is about neurodiversity these days and it’s getting to me. I want to talk to you about other things and go back to how it was before our children were diagnosed.”

Deal with it as if she was banging on consistently about any other topic, the weather, the cost of living, whatever. It would be boring, she would be tone deaf, and shit company.

Just because the topic is neurodiversity, doesn't mean you need to keep delivering yourself to her as willing company and sitting with your teeth gritted. Say, Jane, changing the subject... did you book a holiday for this year in the end? Think any more about moving house? Hows things going with your course? and repeat. If she's too self obesessed to get the hint then I'd choose someone else to spend your time with. You're not rent a crowd.

I also work with people who have adhd and autism and although I know that it presents differently in different people I'm unsure that they would be assessed as these issues effecting their daily lives detrimentally. She's quite a normal kid, I know her very well.

I think this is actually why you have a problem with your friend. You’ve decided you know better than the professionals who diagnosed this child and because this child doesn’t present like the people you know, you aren’t tolerating your friend sharing her experiences. I assume she talks to you because she thinks you might understand. It’s fine to say, hey I don’t want to talk about this subject all the time, and can we take a break? It’s not fine to go around thinking you can disregard other peoples diagnoses. Many people on the spectrum mask their difficulties, as you should know, and as it affects different parts of the brain in different people, you won’t know how it impacts them or if it’s detrimental.

It’s her current special interest and it takes up a lot of time in her head and she just has to keep saying it. It’s part of the acceptance process for her. It’s a big thing getting a diagnosis (and no it’s not that easy privately either) and if you’ve lived 30+ years struggling and then you’re given a reason, rightly or wrongly it takes centre stage in your life and you want everyone to know and you keep saying it to reassure yourself it’s ok too.

I do understand how annoying it is when people do this however and I think being blunt and asking to change topics for the sake of your own mental health is ok. She may well be unaware of how obsessive she is being with it. YANBU at all but you need to be honest with her. Subtle won’t work.

Well you say the professionals, all the diagnoses she's getting are through private health care. Her daughter now has 5 at least. She hasn't tried to get diagnosed through CAMHS, I think she probably knows she wouldn't get the diagnoses.

Anyway, you may be right, perhaps I do think I know better. The private psychiatrist met her for half an hour. Then her mum, who seems to love having diagnoses, answers a load of questions about her daughter. If you know what to say you can get it easily. I do feel sorry for the child and I I do think she doesn't need all these labels but ultimately I just don't want to talk about it anymore.

Yes I do get that, thanks. I think I'll be more blunt next time

I understand there are private diagnoses that aren’t to be trusted out there, but outright dismissing a private diagnosis is strange. My friend had one because the CAMHS wait was too long, it was with a psychiatrist at a well known and respected clinic. The idea that only CAMHS can be trusted when we know they don’t provide proper support for many, and indeed have waited years and years to get to some children, doesn’t make sense to me.

I think it’s clear why you don’t want to talk to her about this, at all, and it’s best to say so now so she can get support from someone else.

I've had the same problem. I have autism (NHS diagnosed). Someone I knew has got a private diagnosis of ADHD for herself and all her children. One also has an autism diagnosis. I struggle, a lot. She knows that. But she's effectively used it against me (that's how it feels) - she'd ask how I am just so she could immediately turn the conversation onto herself and her kids. She'd conveniently ignore any minor & occasional accommodations I might need making but make a big deal of needing me to accommodate her ADHD. Very self-absorbed. Nice enough person otherwise but it's all about her.

I think it’s clear why you don’t want to talk to her about this, at all, and it’s best to say so now so she can get support from someone else.

I'm not asking her to ask me for support. I'd love her to talk to someone else about it. I am very happy to talk about other things

Yes, thanks for your understanding, this is exactly what I mean

But the thing is that on the NHS they have nothing to be gained by diagnosing you. If you go private, even if it's the same person who would assess you on the NHS, they have everything to gain. If they diagnose you you'll recommend them to others - 'yes they did a great job, very thorough etc. etc.' Your recommendations will get them more business which equals more money. If they don't diagnose you then you're more likely to not recommend them and maybe even to actively discourage people from using them, after all who wants to say 'I thought I had ADHD but they disagreed'?
Yes the NHS can be crap for actually seeing people and equally for diagnosing correctly. But private assessments are more likely to result in a diagnosis just for profit reasons.

I understand, and I’m just saying you should let her know that. She clearly needs support, but you’re just passing judgement.

Yes and if CAMHS don’t diagnose you then an already overburdened system won’t need to provide any further care or support. There are pros and cons with both systems. To dismiss private diagnoses outright is dismissing lots of people on the spectrum who couldn’t get access to the care they should have. So you have to be mindful of that and not instantly dismiss or even feel the need to do your own diagnosis. I would never attempt that myself.

I agree that there are times where it's not just parents wanting a diagnosis for their child but the school & their doctor, and the only reason for going private is because of a massive time delay with the NHS. But it pisses me off that there are so many people now buying themselves diagnoses privately and using them as an excuse for anything and everything, so that people like me who are genuinely struggling and just want a tiny bit of help (and not financial, merely the odd small day to day accommodation) are being seen as chancers and not as people with an actual disability. The person I mentioned who bought her kids ADHD diagnoses - 'they'll get extra time in exams' - that was the only reason, every so joyful. No mention of struggling to pay attention or anything else. Nope, just telling me that they'd get more time (and therefore the expectation of higher grades). And trust me, she'd have said if they'd had actual issues.
I'd love to not judge people who've gone privately, and I do try not to, but when you're personally struggling and you see people taking the absolute piss it's really hard. So yes, I get what you're saying, but as usual it's the minority buggering it up for the rest.

How do you know that they’re not genuinely struggling too?

I’m sorry it’s hard for you but this othering of people who have the privilege of a different route is unfair and reeks of envy.

the medications for adhd are heavily controlled and while there have been unscrupulous companies set up offering diagnosis it would be more than a psychiatrists job was worth to regularly diagnose someone and give them amphetamine based drugs just for the cash. It’s also cheaper to buy on the dark web!

dobt make it an us and then situation. It’s not a race to the bottom