Should I contact husbands stalker

[strangeIndeed]

I've name changed for this one as I post regularly and it's a touchy subject for me.

My husband and I have been dating 5 years and married for 3. We have two children together, we are very happy as a family.

The problem is, before we met he briefly dated this woman, I mean they had 2 dates but chatted over the phone regularly as it was long distance. She became increasingly possessive of him and borderline obsessed (his family and friends can attest to this) weeks before my husband and I met he cut contact with her for obvious reasons.

Since then we have both been bombarded with texts and calls (no idea how she got my number)
She has made fake Facebook and instagram accounts using my name, she has been nasty about our children and had bad mouthed me to everyone we know in common.

I have never met her let alone had one conversations with her) she doesn't know me and I dont feel like I deserve all this crap.
Regularly we get nasty texts and calls and I feel like I need to have a chat to her and get to the bottom of why she is behaving like this. My husband says to just ignore it as she clearly needs mental help but I can't just ignore it.

If I call her and she starts getting cheeky with me I'm not sure I could hold my temper. I just need this to stop.

You can't reason with crazy. If she was a reasonable person she wouldn't be doing this in the first place. If you contacted her, it would show that she had got under your skin and encourage her. Lock your Facebook profiles down. Presumably anybody she badmouths you to wouldn't take much notice of her saying you stole the man she went out on two dates with over five years ago. Both of you should change numbers if you possibly can and keep her blocked.

also what does this have to do with anything? Even if she was “autistic”, she’s been stalking someone for years and frightening him, his wife and kids. She does not need to extend any sympathy, empathy, understanding or whatever you were implying she should just because the perpetrator may or may not have a neurological condition. That’s for the perpetrator and her family to care about - not her victim?h

edited to say this was directed at the original poster not the one saying autism doesn’t equate to psychopathy. Now I come to think of it, yes, why did pp randomly select autism to attribute to the stalker woman? Could’ve been anything really couldn’t it.

From experience she would LOVE if you sought her out to chat to her. She's looking to get your attention, you doing that is giving her exactly what she wants. And she WILL escalate afterwards so she can get more attention from you and him.

Sorry this OP post has really disturbed me - yes what do they think of it but also WHY are they friends with this woman? And if she’s stalking you like you say but they’re remaining friends with her, WHY are you still speaking to them OP?! They’re awful people. Also frankly I’d just move far and use a nickname on LinkedIn etc, get work to remove any reference of you/dh. Your kids need to be safe and id be concerned. Make sure school knows about this. Do not let them walk out alone. It’s not worth staying around with someone making your life this frightening.

You should watch "Lover, Stalker, Killer" on Netflix. It's literally the start of your story...

Report it to the police again. Every time she cyber stalks you, report it. Every incident. That's the only way they ever help with things like this. They'll keep forgetting what you reported. They might believe her excuses and lies for s second until you remind them what's what. Just keep reporting. And keep all evidence. Send the police the evidence.

I agree with this. Give the woman no attention and no contact. It's what she craves. Just keep reporting it. Good luck. She sounds awful.

Keep reporting to the police.

& you both need to change your phone numbers, and only give it out to trusted family and friends.

100% there’s more to this story than the op has said. So he was with this woman right up until he met the op? What a coincidence he broke up with her on time. And 8 years in she’s still harassing him? And he’s not done anything about it? And he’s accusing her of being crazy ex with mental health issues? No wonder he’s banned the op from talking to her and setting things straight. I’d sat the op is almost as deluded as him as she’s let this continue for their entire relationship, without ever asking the women ‘ok, what’s your side of the story’?

@Ihatethenewlook Unless he drowned her kitten, most people would have given up after 8 years. What could she possibly be complaining about after two dates all those years ago. And why would be badmouthing the OP as well - a woman she has never even met. It doesn't really matter what her side of the story is - she just shouldn't be behaving like this.

Thanks for the replies, I have decided against contacting her as she's someone who can't be reasoned with, I'm glad to know the police must do something about it. Also I said "people we know in common" I didn't say they were friends with her, as far as I know she doesn't have any friends, she seeks out people we know and tries to befriend them to get info about our life.

I would be phoning the helpline OP if you haven’t already

Ok, so she doesn't independently know these people and is actively targeting them because of their relationship with you - is that right?

If so, this makes her behaviour even more worrying and if possible you should get their evidence as well to share with the police.

I'd also make sure that all your friends and others (as far as possible) know about the situation and not to give out your contact details or engage with her on any level.

Please go back to the police urgently.

Sounds even worse that she's actively trying to contact) befriend people you know.

Don’t engage with her. Block her on everything but keep the texts/FB messages as a record.

Do not contact this odd bod at all.

Any communications you have from the police saying they are not going to pursue it would be forwarded to my MP with an email outlining her behaviour. The MP will have a contact in the police and will be able to get things moving for you.

Former police officer here. You definitely do NOT have to have been physically approached for this to be stalking and harassment.

One of the issues you might have is that police look at your case in isolation, whereas they should really be looking at you and your DH jointly when building this case. It's extremely common for stalkers to extend their behaviour to the friends and family of their target. To accurately risk assess and investigate prop, the whole situation needs to be taken into account.

If the ex has MH problems or is autistic or anything else that makes her vulnerable, it's besides the point. It doesn't make her incapable of knowing right from wrong unless she's so badly affected she shouldn't really be out in the community. That's not the OP's problem and reporting could actually be the first step towards appropriate help anyway.

This site is really good for advice and support:
https://www.paladinservice.co.uk/

Also, statistically female stalkers are less likely to be violent but none of us know whether she's one of them so if you're worried it wouldn't hurt to download a personal safety app such as this: https://hollieguard.com/

They're talking bullshit - she doesn't have to approach either of you in person to be guilty of harassment. I do think it would be better if your husband, rather than you, spoke to the police though, as he is the prime target.

You should absolutely not talk to her. Firstly, you won't be able to 'get to the bottom of why she's doing this' because the answer is 'she is mentally ill'. There is no rational foundation for her behaviour and you can't reason with her because she is simply not seeing any of this through the same eyes as a sane person would. Secondly, you will make things worse because the more attention she perceives she is getting from you and your husband, the more gratification she gets and the more she will want to keep contacting you.

You need to go back to the police, or maybe seek advice from a solicitor first. What she is doing is not legal and not acceptable.

And echoing everyone else, do NOT contact her.

Enough of this victim-blaming shit, please.

There is no possible side of the story that would make it reasonable or explicable to stalk someone for eight years.

Even if the OP's husband cheated on her or had an affair with her, this would not give her any justification whatsoever for obsessively harassing him with nuisance calls, making fake social media profiles, trolling his kids and approaching mutual acquaintances.

I also think you are making the mistake there is always a reason for this sort of behaviour. There isn't. Many, many stalkers have only the smallest connection to the person they stalk. My friend was stalked at university by a guy she simply chatted to in her first week in halls. He asked her out, she said no, and he then stalked her for about two years. My personal trainer's stalker was someone who just came to one of his gym classes once before he set up his own PT studio. She literally sat in her car outside his studio for hours at a time and started harassing his female clients as they went in and out of the building (I was one of them) and the stress actually made him ill.

What you feed grows. Give her no oxygen.

Report, report and keep reporting until someone takes notice. Complain to the police authorities if you get no satisfactory response.

Make sure all of your social media pages are private. Change your phone numbers & mention to friends and family why you are doing this. Ask them to not give your number out to anyone. Keep a log of number of times she calls, dates, time etc and the number she calls from. Screen shot any pages she creates pretending to be you. Then contact the police again.

This always used to be the standard advice but work with victims has provided a different perspective. Many victims find it more anxiety inducing when it goes silent because they don't know what their stalker is up to or if they're planning some sort of escalation because they can no longer contact their victim. For some victims changing their number is extremely inconvenient and can lead to further feelings of isolation as well, so it's not that straightforward anymore.

Definitely not straight forward for sure. My advice was just something I would do personally but totally appreciate what you’re saying in regards to the stalker escalating if they can’t contact them.
it must be so incredibly frustrating when someone just doesn’t stop message etc.
I hope the OP can find some help

RunningJo I think we're all agreed on that. Every situation is different and what works for one won't work for another, but we all hope you finally get this resolved strangeIndeed.