AIBU to think the mums hate me? [Title changed by MNHQ at OP's request]

[CENqqq]

My DC’s turn this week to take home the class toy. The toy comes with a big book where you write down what you did and stick in pictures, I felt so sad looking at the book today as it’s filled with pictures of toy and children visiting extended family, cousins etc. (just for context I’m not talking to my family due to extreme childhood abuses and neglect I suffered) but that’s not the part that upsets me.

The part that really gets me is his best friend from school who he plays with everyday and talks about has a page where he’s written he had a playdate with another child in class. This really upset me as I’ve many times asked the mum if she wants to come over for a playdate or meet in the park (when it was warmer weather) and her response was she’s busy, everytime! I just feel sad that she’s obviously not busy as she’s had all these play dates with kids (another kid also has pictures of them having play date in her house at another date). I feel so sad. My kids are missing out as I’m so damaged and people probably sense this and avoid me. I feel like just avoiding everyone altogether.

Any advice? I’m feeling so low.

Oh no, this is so sad to read and am sorry it’s made you feel low. How old is your DC? Old enough for play dates without parents?

Perhaps they are dc of her friends so while dc play they catch up. She might of been genuinely busy when you asked.
Keep being friendly and polite. I'm sure everything will be fine.

@BrunchYes my DC is 5, just started reception. My eldest is 8. When she started school it was covid so I didn’t get to mix in with the parents and then we moved. It’s really difficult to get friendly with people as I always feel so depressed. I can’t blame the mums for not wanting to have play dates!

Oh OP I couldn’t read and run.

you sound very low. I am sorry you’re feeling like this. I can tell you love your son dearly. He will make friends, it takes time and please don’t blame yourself. We can’t hit it off with absolutely everyone we meet. And some people you think are nice on the surface - are a bit shit.

sending you hugs. He will make friends eventually!

@nicknamehelp i chatted a lot to people in first few months and I know these 2 mums in particular only met in school like I did. Their friendship seemed to have blossomed even though I made effort but was shot down each time with “I’m too busy right now” comments.

I think yabu and reading too much into a toy book, with a one day snap shot of what "Teddy" ( or whoever) was doing. There's obviously something in your background that's making you feel this way, but don't let that impact your DC & their social lives. Keep being friendly and open for your DC's sakes.

Hi @CENqqq I am a bit out of the loop these days for playdates and such but am sorry that you are getting nowhere with it despite your best efforts. It might be worth seeing if there is any other children that your DS might be happy to meet up with. Expand his social circle if you can. I had to do this as my DS was an only child and his cousins were 10 years older.
Not sure how old he is but you could also try Beavers/Cubs or a local Youth Club and volunteer to help out - I did this too. It might also help you to build up your confidence and give you a bit of a support network.

Edited to add that I've just read this post back and it sounds a bit patronising but I don't mean it to be, just letting you know what worked for me. X

Sorry you feel this way. I recently found out that some mums who were always busy have been meeting up without us and whatever the context it hurts doesn't it.

Eurgh! I’m so sorry, OP. Sometimes parents are more petty and childish than the children.
Children rarely have the same best friends all through school, so maybe you will get to make friends as DC grows and starts to go to other activities/hobbies outside school.
For now you just need to smile and be polite for your DC’s sake. This other woman’s son is the one who suffers really as he is going without play dates with one of his best friends. How messed up is it that his mother is already so controlling of his friendships because she can’t put her pettiness aside and just make polite conversation for the duration of a play date.
You shouldn’t feel sad you aren’t friends with these particular women. They aren’t very nice by the sounds of it. You don’t need Mean Girl friends anyway. Those kinds of friendships often make you feel more lonely than being on your own.

Thank you so much everyone. @VioletMoonGirl that is so true. Thank you,

I remember when my DC were this sort of age feeling really worried about playdates and why hadn’t my kids done more/been invited etc - so I do get it.

Over time and as they’ve got older each has found their own group of friends without parents being involved. They will ask can I have X over rather than it being arranged purely by parents. It has not affected them one little bit. I wish I’d worried less.

Well she was busy, she had other plans with the other mums.

Have a quiet word with the teacher, find out who his friends are at school , and if it's the same boys or other children (including girls). DD had loads of playdates with boys at that age. Then try and approach those parents. It also gets easier as the kids grow and you can drop and run, as it's mostly irrelevant whether you get on with the parent or not.

everytime I ask him he mentions the sane kid he plays with - the one whose avoiding play dates with us but by the looks of it seems to regularly attend other play dates.

I just feel so low and upset. I really want to change my life and outlook but it’s so hard to

I never get why people will want to leave others out its just like adult school bullying
Don't let her upset you, she's the issue, not you

It’s shit isn’t it, I wish playdates weren’t a thing tbh. My view on playdates is that it’s for my kid, the parents and whether I like them or not is pretty irrelevant to me. I do know one mum who I’m pretty sure holds playdates on the basis of who she thinks it’s worth knowing. I had a moment where I felt like my own unpopularity would affect DD but tbh I have no control over that and she has friends at school. Many parents also just don’t have time for playdates or don’t want to do them with what little downtime they have.

It’s a bit ridiculous really because eventually kids just sort themselves into their own groups. Unless they are seeing the same kid outside of school a lot they actually spend more time together in school and then play with whoever they get on with. When they move into secondary most friendships will churn anyway and parents will have less and less influence over their kids friendships.

Just to add she’s never had a playdate with the children she plays with the most at school and they still happily get along fine when they are there.

It won’t be anything to do with the fact that they don’t like you of your child it will simply be that the parents are friends. At that sort of age of my kids had “play dates” it was because I was friends with the mum and was going for coffee and the kids could just play. The play date was incidental to my friendship iyswim. If someone I didn’t know tried to arrange a play date this would be much more difficult.

Have you tried just asking the child over for tea without involving the mother in the event (so a parent just collects them at the end?). That might get a higher success rate

They sound like mean girl mums who you wouldn’t want to be friends with anyway. I’d speak to the teacher about who else your son plays with, or if there is anyone the teacher thinks would be a good friend match for your son, and you can approach those parents.

I had to follow a child who took the bear to disney land

My sons rarely had play dates because the parents don't particularly like me im a single parent when I was married my ex husband isolated us so 🤷 it was a shite show really but secondary school is an eye opener for the parents because kids go out and meet up with their friends it doesn't matter if there parents like each other or not

Always ask the teacher if there's anyone your child plays with/gets on well with. Lots of DC in reception haven't yet formed closer friendships and if a parent asks, half the class will just name the same 2 or 3 confident/popular children who dominates play at break.

The friendships will all shuffle and move and to be honest, play dates organised by parents have less and less influence.

@CENqqq I hear you on the play dates front. My Y1 son hasn’t really been invited to out of school play dates or parties this past year (slightly different to reception where parties were whole class events, now beginning to be smaller 6/7kid events).

I also feel sad for my son and have a lingering dislike of some of the school mums. I’m sure there’s an element of the clique about it; although I’m friendly and approachable, I’m not a gym bunny mum who hangs around for morning meet-ups (don’t want to be). I suspect some of those mums are pushing their children to have more play dates together. My son says he’s happy at school and has friends.
hard not to worry though and project own feelings of insecurity onto it. I’m monitoring closely.

I don't know why some mums do this. The only thing I can think of is she really was busy, or does happen to be close friends with the other mum, maybe they are neighbours?
I would say it should be led by the child. So 'Bob has invited your kid to ours for a playdate, I just wondered which day suits'. Rather than 'would you like to go to x'. The phrasing might help. The fact is if the children are friends the mums opinions of whether they want to make friends with eachother is irrelevant. Be friendly, but it's not the end of the world if you've little in common as long as the kids do.
Please try not to take it personally.

I've loads of my own work friends.
Loads of people like me.
But I never made one single friend from the school gate.

I did this.

Good uptake.