To think that staying single as a signed Mum is the most sensible option

[Justkeepswiimming]

I've been single for 4 years. I've a 7 year old dd. I've not really been looking for another partner, but the more I see threads on here the more I think that staying single it the most sensible option for me, and particularly my daughter.

From threads about child sex offenders targeting single Mums, to others about the challenges of blending families, introducing partners to children, terrible step parents, or these relationships showing themselves to be as bad as the last and of course cocklodgers. And this if course is AFTER you manage to find someone as a single person. Tinder is awful. Spare time is very limited. Social circle is limited.

I struggle to see many positives, but a fair number of risks. Am I being cynical and negative?

I was widowed when my daughter was 2 years old and this approach isn't for me, I actively want to meet someone I can build a life with. I enjoyed being married and I'd like to find that again. I'm sensible but I don't want to wait until she's grown up (I'll be mid-fifties) to start again.

I don't think this is selfish or not putting my daughter first, as some comments have implied.

I agree. My job is to bring my DD up in a safe, happy & stable home and put her first until she is able to look after herself.

I have my own house, have great friends & my life is very busy & I also like time to myself too. I don’t know where I would fit a relationship in even if I did want one.

I had my life before she was born & I will get it again when she’s older but for now, she comes first.

I will say one thing to anyone reading. Don't think "oh I'll have a relationship when the DC are adults".

1. By that point you will struggle to accept the compromises that not only come with living with another person, but even just from dating them. Living on your terms will make you selfish. I don't say that in a negative way, I am single and happily selfish! But it is not conducive to a future partnership.

1. Life is getting harder and more expensive. DC moving out at 18 is now a distant dream for most! If you think introducing a partner to small children is hard, wait till you try introducing them to adult children, who still live with you! It doesn't work. They will never get on.

1. You also have to consider the inheritance aspect. If you marry, everything goes to your husband. What you worked years for to build and you want to leave to your children. This means you can't approach the relationship in the "normal" way as you have to keep one eye on protecting your assets. Again its not really conducive to an equal partnership.

1. Which maybe should have been no1! By your 40's/50s it will be mostly the dregs left. Any decent man will be long married and happy with his wife. It is nigh on impossible to find a good man in your 50s.

If you're happy to never have a relationship, or not a serious one. Fair enough. It's a choice I've made for myself. But my warning is to those who think they can just wait and it will all slot into place. It won't.

I numbered those 1-4 and have no idea why they changed or why there are such big gaps in between! Sorry.

I'm single. My son goes to his dad EOW.
It would take the world's most amazing man to fall from the sky and land I'm front of me for me to consider giving up that time - whether I spend it with friends or just by myself!

I agree with most of this.

But not the one about only dregs once you hit 40’s/50’s - yes it might be harder but still entirely possible. What about the decent guys that are widowed, been cheated on, just fell
out of love? There will still be decent ones.

I think a big problem for women is that it’s much easier for a man to find a decent woman than a woman to find a decent man.

I agree. Well done for making sure that your dd comes first.

I agree. I have kept my relationships post divorce apart from my children. It is our house and they did not ask to have this situation so it was the least I could do to make it their place.

People these days want to move in and quickly. That is a no from me however lovely they seem (actually massive red flag).

I stayed single when my last son was born he`s 19 now.
My children came first that was my choice.
In that time i found out alot about myself.
Now kids are both adults im loving life mainly on holidays as the kids dont come with me anymore i go 5-6 times a year.
Im still single and love it but i have my fun like anyone else i just dont want the drama of a relationship.
As i say its a choice and i like my choice.
I raised my family and now its all about me but no way is a man moving in my home.
And no way i want to settle with a man.
Rather go on my holidays and act like a slag for a week come home no one knows anything.
Other than im very happy and refreshed 😉.
Its not just sand and sun putting a smile on my face lol.
I love life.

Another single mum (no co parent) here to a 7 year old girl. I agree - I work full time and the little spare time I do have is for my daughter. I’ve tried relationships in the past and it stresses me out trying to spread my time out. Also financially I’m better off alone until she is grown. Quite happy just me, my daughter and our Labrador!

YANBU. My mum remained single until I was an adult and I am SO grateful she did for all the reasons mentioned. A boyfriend would have totally changed the dynamic and I suspect not for the better, one way or another.

I think staying single is absolutely a valid choice but it's not for everyone. I know women who have kept their relationship separate from their children and I know some who have ended up living with a partner who turned out to be a really good stepdad and have a great relationship with their children. It can work out with the right person.

I completely agree with you OP. I grew up in a blended family and it was horrible. Never felt 100% welcome at either house. Felt like the ‘new children’ in the new marriage were the priority. When moving house, my bedroom allocation was prioritised last. Holidays were taken without me, when I was at my other parents’ house. I could go on and on. I had a miserable childhood. My own grandparents treated me well, as well as my stepfather’s mother. That woman was a saint—treated me like all of her biological grandchildren, even leaving me some money in her will when she passed away (not much—only a token amount, but it meant a lot to me). She had a portrait of herself from her 20s, which I always loved as a child. When her house was being cleared out, I asked if I could have it to display in my home, but was told I couldn’t have it, as I wasn’t one of her real grandchildren.

Because of my upbringing, I decided that I would never date a man who already had children. And if my husband and I did ever split up, I would remain single until my kids were at uni (or later). Some of the dramas I read here reinforce how I feel—dramas with exes, Mother’s Day, not wanting to be guardians for orphaned stepchildren, etc. I’ve lived through these scenarios as a child and won’t ever put my children through it.