To think that staying single as a signed Mum is the most sensible option

[Justkeepswiimming]

I've been single for 4 years. I've a 7 year old dd. I've not really been looking for another partner, but the more I see threads on here the more I think that staying single it the most sensible option for me, and particularly my daughter.

From threads about child sex offenders targeting single Mums, to others about the challenges of blending families, introducing partners to children, terrible step parents, or these relationships showing themselves to be as bad as the last and of course cocklodgers. And this if course is AFTER you manage to find someone as a single person. Tinder is awful. Spare time is very limited. Social circle is limited.

I struggle to see many positives, but a fair number of risks. Am I being cynical and negative?

Then you're not doing what the op is suggesting are you? This isn't saying not to move a man in OP is saying to not date at all.

YANBU - I have remained single too and it’s the best thing emotionally and financially.
I'm neither going to bring a man into her space, nor jeopardise her opportunities for the sake of living with a man.

My friend is a single mum. She dates but keeps it separate from the kids. Relationships that have lasted a year or so, the kids might see the man for 5 minutes when picking her up, but they don’t get to be involved with her kids. This is how she’s approached it from the kids being 6 and 4, they’re now 17 and 15. It’s worked well for her and she says she might rethink when the kids are moved out, but probably not. 😂

Personally I'm staying single now. It's what my children and I need.

But I'm post-menopausal so not in the same position as a young mum. There's no rules. My mum and gran were very young mums who introduced new dads, and the results weren't great. But my brother married a single parent 20 years ago, and that has worked really well. He adores his step kids, and gets on well with both their dads.

Objectively, yes, it is better to stay single and keep your life entirely separate from your children.

Real life doesn't always work that way though. And there seem to be a lot of self-congratulatory posts around as if every man who ends up dating a woman with a child is a alcoholic sex offending cock lodger (not specifically saying this post is, however).

There's plenty of decent enough men around. People might not want just one child, and they have more. It's simply personal choice. All the better if you have a mortgage and are able to keep that separation quite comfortably.

OP hasn’t said that though and you’re the one who brought up the thread from the other day, not OP.

OP literally says for her it may be the sensible action, nothing about for others. She is literally asking if she is being cynical and negative about it for herself and asking opinions from others. That is nowhere near saying ALL single women should just stay single.

It's just another thread for single parents who have chosen to stay single to pat themselves on the back for how great and sensible they are however the op disguises it.

And then you inevitably get the posters who "totally agree" yet go on to say there ARE in fact dating but they keep it separate, yeah that's not what the op is saying, the op is saying not dating at all this thread isn't about not moving men in it's about not dating at all so no you don't "totally agree" if you are dating.

Yet, the majority of comments don’t read that way.

There are posters pointing out different factors that OP may have not considered and that one could date or have a relationship without moving a man into their home and keeping man and children completely separate.

I agree. People might pity me but I'm glad I'm not in a blended family.

What you need to remember about MN is it really shows the worst side of people's lives

People come on here for support or advice or when things are difficult

As a rule posters don't come on raving about their ExH & how successful their 50/50 parenting is. Nor do they come on raving about the amazing guy they met online.

MN isn't a good balance. Yes there are a lot of predators & awful people but conversely there will be loads of folk who've met the love of their life online while they were a single parent

A lot is about balance & boundaries

8 years here. It's a scary world and I'll be damned if I'm introducing anyone to into my child's life, no matter how long I spend getting to know them prior. Nope

Exactly the same here

But you can stay single and date! There are plenty of single people who just date and don’t enter relationships.

But you can be with someone and not live with them. I spent 10 years with DSs dad but we never lived together. Ice been with my current partner nearly 8 years and we live 2 mins walk away from each other. And my youngest DC is at uni

@StrawberryTwister I'm definitely not saying single Mums shouldn't date. Heck I've tried it myself. Not with any enthusiasm, but thats just me. Its really not meant to be self congratulatory. And actually it's great to see some other perspectives. Because sometimes it does look like staying single is a good option.

Then the thread should be "Aibu to not live with a man again as a single parent" two different things really! And most people equate staying single with not dating

And most people equate staying single with not dating

Do they? Most people I know use it when they're dating but not committed.

I understand OP. I wouldn’t mind dating someone but I think it’s likely the other party only being able to see me once or twice a week will get irritating for them (that’s the reason my last relationship ended).
Im completely sure that I won’t live with a man or blend families. My house is dds safe calm space and I am not risking our sanctuary.
I also don’t trust most men not to have attitudes/ be aggressive/ sulk etc and I can’t be arsed with that nonsense

Don't be ridiculous most people don't equate "staying single" with "not living with someone" 🙄

This has been done to death.

OP, you do you.

I was a single, widowed mum. Got married to a single, widowed dad. So we're blended.

Who's to say whether we, or the kids, would have been better off had we not got married? We love each other, we try to build a nice life for all the kids.

Yes, I agree. Mine are well past the vulnerable age - youngest is 16 and into martial arts … - but I would not have moved someone into my house when they were younger if I’d divorced.

I'm a single mother, I have 2 small kids who I have about 95% of the time and a really loving kind and very patient boyfriend who is also a single parent who has his kids half the time. We don't want to live together while the kids are still at home and while we do spend time all together we don't want to parent each other's kids and always try make time just for the 2 of us even if it's just a take away at night when the kids are asleep if I'm struggling for child free time or we go out for breakfast on the day off we share. It's totally different to dating when you are child free but it can be done and can be done safely as long as you set strong and sensible boundaries. You also have to know exactly what you want and what you do not want.
If you'd rather stay single then there's nothing wrong with that either.

You are being very reasonable. Blended families are terrible for the poor children forced into them.

IMO fill your boots outside the house but don't ever move someone into your child's home.

That's the plan, but not right now.