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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m not the only one in the wrong?

50 replies

DuckyDucky92 · 19/03/2024 18:20

Firstly I will say- I know I have done wrong. I admit my mistakes and appreciate wounds take a while to heal. I just want some outside opinion from people who are parents.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug user. I have been in recovery for a number of months now, nearing 6 months. I’ve had one relapse- I jumped straight back on the horse so to speak the next day.

I have a brother who is 2 years older who now has a 2 month old baby girl.

We have never had a close relationship and honestly we cannot be in the same room together without there being an awkward atmosphere so I do my best to avoid being around them.

I have put my parents through the wringer and I will admit that. I can never thank them enough for the shit they have bailed me out of and as much as I say it it seems to fall on deaf ears. As previously mentioned I appreciate wounds take time to heal.

My brother visited with the baby last week. I avoided going to my parents in anyway I could but had to go to collect something. My dad said to go and say hello so I did and I got a grunt in reply without him even looking up from his phone. Which to me, is childish. I’m not his number one fan but I would at least be civil enough to have a ten second conversation with him.

Ive gone and spoken to my mum and dad about it today and they didn’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t think he even knows I’m in a recovery programme.

Im not asking to babysit or take the baby on holiday for a fortnight. I just think it would be nice if we could all be civil

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 19/03/2024 18:23

Well done on starting your recovery. It’s a huge and difficult step.

It would be nice for everyone to be civil but I wonder what his side of events would be and perhaps that influences how long you will need to have proven your recovery before it can happen.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 19/03/2024 18:24

Well done on your recovery. That’s amazing - I can’t imagine your strength.

I think you nailed in your first sentence - wounds take time to heal. It seems like he needs longer, and that’s okay. You can’t change his behaviour, in a same way that others couldn’t change yours.

It sounds like your parents are in a difficult spot. Respect their actions. There’s no easy way forward for them.

I wish you so much success and happiness going forward.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/03/2024 18:26

Impossible to know what has gone on in the past, and whether he is being unreasonable.

Either way, well done for turning things around - if you maintain it long term most relationships can be somewhat repaired over time.

Octavia64 · 19/03/2024 18:26

You have made a resolution to change, and you are sticking to it. That's really important and not to be underestimated.

He hasn't yet seen that change. He will still be wary of you, especially with a new baby.

Give him time to see the change in you, and his wounds may heal.

Acornsoup · 19/03/2024 18:27

Well done on your recovery OP. Stay consistent, trust can take time to rebuild. Your DB will be feeling protective of his family. Give him time, he wasn't welcoming but he wasn't exactly hostile either Smile

IfYouDontAsk · 19/03/2024 18:28

Well done on your ongoing recovery; it must take a huge amount of work every day to stay sober and I admire you for that.

Perhaps for your brother it’s not a case of needing more time for wounds to heal. Maybe things were said and done that he doesn’t feel he can ever forgive. I know his lack of acknowledgement must have felt horrid but perhaps there was a huge amount of restraint on his part in just keeping quiet. He may have really wanted to let rip. I imagine your brother is feeling protective and defensive of your parents who, as you say, will have been through enormous amounts of stress and worry.

Hermittrismegistus · 19/03/2024 18:29

You are the one that inflicted the emotional wounds on your brother and parents.
You don't get to dictate when someone you harm should forgive you.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2024 18:30

I think you need to be very cognizant of the damage your prior behaviour has caused and give your family members space. You have been sober for a very, very short amount of time. Trust can take a very long time to earn back, and sometimes it's not possible at all. All you can do is focus on your own recovery.

ExtraOnions · 19/03/2024 18:33

My brother was a Heroin addict. He has now been clean for a number of years.

I do feel that Addicts can underestimate the impact of their addiction on the people around them. The lies, the money, the worry - those memories do not go away because you are now in recovery.
He may well be angry about the stress you caused his parents, and the stress you caused him.

It takes a long time. It’s the best part of 25 years for us, we have a great relationship, but there are still times that I feel pissed about what we all went through.

LovelyTheresa · 19/03/2024 18:35

YABU. Well done for being in recovery: I mean that sincerely and it isn't easy, so hat's off for that. However, as you yourself admit, you put your parents through hell. It can sometimes be easier to forgive wrongs done to oneself than to others. Your brother didn't curse at you or tell you to go away, he just wasn't friendly. Keep on working on yourself and your sobriety and healing. Don't think about your brother, just keep on keeping on.

WhateverMate · 19/03/2024 18:39

'Nearing 6 months' is amazing, well done.

But it may be nowhere near enough time to build up trust in those around you.

FOJN · 19/03/2024 18:43

I'm afraid you can't dictate how long it takes other people to forgive you.

Continue to focus on your recovery.

Be civil when you see your brother but accept that he may take a while to come round or he may never come round.

Don't ask your parents to take sides.

The only actions you are responsible for are your own.

You don't say if your recovery program is 12 step, if it is then it might help to discuss this with your sponsor, if not then find someone else with more experience in re overy to chat to.

ColleenDonaghy · 19/03/2024 18:43

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2024 18:30

I think you need to be very cognizant of the damage your prior behaviour has caused and give your family members space. You have been sober for a very, very short amount of time. Trust can take a very long time to earn back, and sometimes it's not possible at all. All you can do is focus on your own recovery.

Exactly this. Your brother will be feeling particularly cautious and protective ATM with a newborn.

Well done on beginning your recovery, focus on that. Flowers

Butchyrestingface · 19/03/2024 18:48

I’m not his number one fan but I would at least be civil enough to have a ten second conversation with him.

So why are you not HIS number one fan?

SkaneTos · 19/03/2024 18:49

Well done on your recovery!

Your brother is not ready to talk to you/spend time with you yet. But at least he didn't shout and yell at you.
You were in the same room. He aknowledged you, in a way. It is what it is.

Keep up the good work, OP!

MILLYmo0se · 19/03/2024 18:59

He was just monosyllabic towards you, rude yes but it's not like he unleashed a tirade about the past at you. He doesn't like you, whether that's totally down to your past or ye just clash personality wise who knows, whether his feelings towards you change in the future, again who knows.
All you can do is you, if ye are in the same room say hi and that's it. Ye have no need, and clearly no desire to seek each out out, so what's the point in complaining when he has no interest?
But please stop putting your poor parents in the middle of whatever is going on between you and your brother, they have been through enough already and for parents it is awful to see your children not getting on, whatever the cause maybe. They can't go complain to him on your behalf even if they thought there were cause, it's going to damage their relationship with him as he already has hurt over everything and it would be choosing you over him again in his eyes.
This is just a distraction in your journey, do not get bogged down in it, focus on rebuilding your life and proving to everyone including yourself that you are on a different path. That may help improve his attitude towards you, it may not, but either way that aspect is not in your control, you need to stay focused on what you can control

Aquamarine1029 · 19/03/2024 19:00

I'm interested in why you think your brother is in any way wrong. What did he do? You didn't get the acknowledgement you wanted, but he didn't do anything outrageous.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/03/2024 19:00

I'm pleased for you that you're doing well and I really hope you can make a go of it Op but you need to give your family more time. If things have been really bad in the past it can take a long time for trust to return and as yet your family are still wary, they probably remember a lot more than you do and they're afraid to believe things are different now, that you won't go back to your old ways.
My DB took to drinking to excess and there were a few nasty incidents, I was massively relieved when he gave up but it took quite a long time before I really believed it was for good. Please don't ask your parents to get involved with you and your DB, he's an adult and too old for your parents to tell him what to do. I know it's hard to be patient but you need to prove yourself for a bit longer before things can be different. Good luck and stick with it

nadine90 · 19/03/2024 19:01

Well done on your sobriety op, that’s an amazing achievement!
You can’t rush people to trust and forgive you. They have to reach their own conclusions. All you can do is focus on you, on getting your life where you want it and keep showing up for the people in your life who have supported you.
Keep going! Xxx

TigBitss · 19/03/2024 19:04

It will likely take him a lot longer than 6 months to come to terms with the hurt that was caused. Well done for turning things around.

LittleGreenDragons · 19/03/2024 19:09

We have never had a close relationship

I have put my parents through the wringer

There's your answer. Sounds like he's done with you. It's probably going to take years before he comes around. You've got a lot of hurt to amend for if you really want a relationship with him.

Creatureofhabit87 · 19/03/2024 19:11

Just because you’re in recovery it doesn’t mean people can just go back to normal with you. Sounds like you’ve hurt alot of people.

Geebray · 19/03/2024 19:11

Well done on your continuing recover, OP.

It is not your place to dictate how your family should react to you.

fr4zzledmum · 19/03/2024 19:16

Well done for beginning your recovery BUT its a long road and one that people stumble through for years, so your brother will likely be protecting himself and his young family from that.

I am the child of an alcoholic (obviously slightly different) and I have been NC from my mother for over 10 years. She hasn't made the steps towards recovery that you are, but I would not restart contact if she did, for my mental health and safety of my children. Too much water under the bridge.

Alittlebitbroken · 19/03/2024 19:21

Whilst being in recovery and staying sober is an amazing achievement, it does not fix the harm you have done.

Isn't part of recovery making ammends? You have to work towards forgiveness and then building trust. It doesn't happen automatically because you are sober. As DB has a new baby I imagine he is extra cautious about protecting the baby from you.