To think I’m not the only one in the wrong?

[DuckyDucky92]

Firstly I will say- I know I have done wrong. I admit my mistakes and appreciate wounds take a while to heal. I just want some outside opinion from people who are parents.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug user. I have been in recovery for a number of months now, nearing 6 months. I’ve had one relapse- I jumped straight back on the horse so to speak the next day.

I have a brother who is 2 years older who now has a 2 month old baby girl.

We have never had a close relationship and honestly we cannot be in the same room together without there being an awkward atmosphere so I do my best to avoid being around them.

I have put my parents through the wringer and I will admit that. I can never thank them enough for the shit they have bailed me out of and as much as I say it it seems to fall on deaf ears. As previously mentioned I appreciate wounds take time to heal.

My brother visited with the baby last week. I avoided going to my parents in anyway I could but had to go to collect something. My dad said to go and say hello so I did and I got a grunt in reply without him even looking up from his phone. Which to me, is childish. I’m not his number one fan but I would at least be civil enough to have a ten second conversation with him.

Ive gone and spoken to my mum and dad about it today and they didn’t want to acknowledge it. I don’t think he even knows I’m in a recovery programme.

Im not asking to babysit or take the baby on holiday for a fortnight. I just think it would be nice if we could all be civil

AIBU?

You need to continue to address patterns of behaviour. You say you put your parents through a lot and they bailed you out a lot. Now you're telling them that your brother wasnt nice to you and hoping they will sort it out. Its not fair.

You've started rescuing yourself and now you need to carry on.

Yes, YABU. You are not the only one in your family who needs to recover and to heal. Your illness and the behaviour it caused has harmed you all. All power to you for starting your journey, but you're still at the early stages. You need to be as patient and understanding of your brother as your parents have been of you. Hopefully he will learn to trust you again but you need to allow him time and space. Focus on your recovery and on showing your family that things have changed. And be gentle with them, keeping your expectations low, as they will have suffered a great deal too.

You need to slow down and revisit your steps, I'd you're taking them

It sounds like you've put your family through a lot. It's not up to you to dictate the timetable by which they begin the road of forgiving you, if they ever do

Congratulations on 6 months sober but concentrate on your recovery, not how others should react to it

As a family member of an addict, I agree both all the other posters. I think addicts tend to underestimate the damage they have done ans also seem to expect forgiveness to be instant and complete which is not practical.

I also think it's interesting that you just couldn't avoid your parents' house for one day. You may well believe you had no choice but the chances are that he just sees that as you trampling over any boundaries he has put in place. You say you want to improve things but I assume he has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you and yet... there you were. And then you are complaining that he is rude?

I am very sorry but I think you need to keep working on yours. You have done well so far, and should be proud of that, but it's a journey and you are only on the first steps.

Hi op. Well done on your recovery and being so honest about what you've gone through. Coming from a place of understanding how your family might feel, often we forget the person with addiction isn't doing anything intentionally to hurt us, that actually addiction can take over them and it's hard for the person to factor in other ppls feelings when they are trying to get through their own pain.. I'm assuming your brother is not thinking of your own pain and maybe feeling protective over his daughter too. We hear the words drugs and drink and we assume the worst and stop seeing the human side to things. I'm sure he doesn't mean it deep down just as you didn't mean to upset him or your parents and I'm sure that with time there will be healing and I'm sure things will improve. Could you maybe write him a letter and tell him how you feel ? I know ive always appreciated a letter in the past and It could help you on your own recovery, but if youre not ready or able to do that thats completely understandable. it's always something you can consider later (or not ) but I think you should prioritise your recovery first and foremost. You are not being unreasonable at all actually I really admire your post, always good for ppl like me to be reminded of the human side of addiction and your post has done that for me today so thank you!! Wishing you all best in your life ❤️ 😘 💕

You told on your brother’s behaviour to your parents?! That’s not what grown ups do. You also can’t dictate he has to be civil, you can only control your own actions so focus on that and keep on top of your recovery. Forgiveness will take time and is never assured.

Much like you need time to help you with your recovery Op, your brother and parents also need time to forgive and forget. Having said that, I’ve been told the first year of recovery is the hardest so you’re doing an amazing job. Just give it time … lots of lots of time and don’t lose track of your end goal. Good luck!

Firstly, well done for getting clean OP. You've done amazingly well and shown an awful lot of strength.

My DM is a recovering addict, both alcohol and drugs. I still don't think she realises the impact it had on everyone around her but it has taken her 10 years to begin to heal and repair the damage she did to people around her. It's taken such a long time to be able to trust and forgive again.

It may not take as long with your brother but hopefully in time you two will be able to start repairing your relationship.

Don't do that. If you've only got spite get off the thread.

I think it’s great you are doing well in recovery.

However, you need to give him time. But you also need to accept the relationship may not recover. That is his choice and he has a right to make it. I don’t think you fully understand the impact you have had. You didn’t experience it so can’t really understand. But if he wants to recover the relationship, he will. He may choose not to and you have to accept that.

Even if he has been an arse in the past. This is still his choice. He doesn’t have to act in a way that you find comfortable because he may have been awful at other times.

and you shouldn’t be involving your mum or dad. It’s really not ok. What did you want them to do? Pressure him? you put them in a bad position. They clearly recognise his right to make this choice but don’t want to upset you either.

If he was staying a few days he obviously doesn’t live very close. So just let him visit and stay away. If you need to pick something up, get someone to meet you somewhere with it. Give him the space he obviously needs.

I think family members underestimate the pain the person involved is going thru. Family often take the behaviour personally and often just think if the person wanted to stop they would. I know I've been that family member shouting just stop it , why can't you just stop! often the behaviour of the person is impaired because drugs and alcohol alters a person's behaviour. Op doesn't need to be punished by family members. It wont kill said brother to be civil for 5 mins if she says hello as her dad told her to do so I'm not sure where you got this idea she ignored his boundaries. It's not all about the familys pain it's not just the ops pain.. they have all suffered and its not helpful for the ops brother to be so cold.op isn't asking for the family to kiss her feet, she asked for civil. Did you read that?

The crux seems to be he's not engaging as you want on your timeline? You feel you've moved on and so should everyone else?

Congrats on your recovery, it's what everyone wants for an addict, even your brother.

I don't actually think his reaction was that bad. It was barely civil but no worse than that.

I suspect at the height of your addiction it may have been less than civil.

There are addiction issues in one of my parent's family. Over the years, it has been difficult watching that parent support people who didn't always treat them well, who causes them stresses, worried & also had an impact on their health. At times, I probably did no more than grunt a hello too. Not proud of it but anything else was too difficult initially.

There's a reluctance to re-engage until you know the addiction is fully treated. I'm sorry but there is. It's like a form of self preservation. You wish the person the best, you are even proud of their journey so far but you need long term consistency before being able to work on repairing the relationship.

In our case, there have been some success stories & some long term recoveries and fully repaired relationships. It often took as long to recover if not more than the addiction period.

Remember you are 6 months on your recovery journey. Their recovery journey is only starting now as they needed you to be clean six months before they could start to begin and hope that it's a long time recovery. They have to catch up.

Keep at it, continue as you are doing, allow people time to accept this is a different you now. That the old way and the old behaviour is behind you. People will get there, they just need time. Exactly like your journey, it didn't happen overnight but you got there. They will too.

Please remember that to the addicts family addiction looks like self harm and they are collateral damage. If the addict has not control over their behaviour then the family has even less but they are also harmed by it. Lingering resentment is perfectly understandable.

There are several posters on this thread who have also dealt with addiction in the family, I don't think it's fair for you to berate anyone for not responding to a family members recovery the way you have done.

Your compassion for the addict is admiral, perhaps you could extend that to those affected by the addicts behaviour.

Not sure if you read my post but I am that family member and alot of therapy taught me that' the way of thinking alot ppl have here is wrong and completely unhelpful. It's even unhelpful to the family members. I don't need to remember anything as you write to me...I lived it and let me.tell you this.. I'm glad to support the op , that's the right thing to do I won't ever write or say anything to make someone feel bad for wanting the.love of their family. They need the love.

You may well have a family member who is an addict, but you don't seem to have anything like the experience we have had. I never said a word about the addict's pain not being real. Of course it is. Let's also remember that OP is not currently using so your comments re "just stop" and the assumption that the rest of us think it should be easy are irrelevant (I mean, they're also untrue, but that's also not relevant in the context of this thread).

At the end of the day her behaviour harmed her family. Based on what she has said I am admittedly making some assumptions, but my assumption is that her brother doesn't want to have anything to do with her. He does not trust her. She has hurt him. She clearly knows that. And yet, when he is at their parents' house, she finds she just has to go over? No, sorry, that's not okay and if I was the brother I'd have been pretty curt too.

Accepting that someone is hurting and that their behaviour is not malicious doesn't mean you have to accept the behaviour. And I find your rather blasé implication that the addict's pain is MORE important quite strange. But then, there are people like you in our extended family too. Ones who don't seem to think that the addict should be held responsible for the damage he did to his own children, for example.

You have no right telling anyone how they think or feel is wrong regarding living with and surviving an addicts abuse. Your experience is yours alone. As far as I'm concerned, the op's brother was entirely civil. I'm sure there was a LOT he could have said.

Your brother is probably very hurt by your past behaviour and for what your parents have been through. I think it will take a lot longer than 6 months to repair your relationship with him. Give your family time and continue to work on yourself.

Again, that's you, your situation and your therapy. I'm glad it's helped you to feel so forgiving. You have no idea what other people have been through.

The issue is not how you respond to the OP, it's how you have responded to other posters.

Nah that's crap. OP is getting a bit of a "vagina vote" on this thread. There's no evidence OP isn't as low as the many male addicts who are vilified on thread like this.

Op your thread title is very, very telling. Why do you think he did something wrong and you seem to think that he is equally as wrong ?

OP doesn't need to be punished by her family, but for her own recovery it may be helpful to make amends, and if she can't, then at least avoid further harm to them. We have no way of knowing the distress seeing her might cause to her brother, but he obviously isnt helped by it, and OP needs to respect that. That doesn't need to be seen as a punishment to her, in fact she needs to move past centering herself and learn that other people's needs matter as much as hers. The unconditional love of family is a wonderful thing, but that shouldn't be confused with shielding the person from their responsibility to not cause harm to others.

Alternatively, you could fuck off thinking that you’re the thread police.

Addiction issues aside, people with new babies don’t usually like it when other people become more interested in them than they were before they had the baby.

I’m sure you could easily have collected the item at a different time or day, or asked your dad to leave it outside for you.

You created a way to intrude on your brother’s visit with his baby and expected too much when you admit there’s always a bad vibe between you. You wanted to see the baby, which you hadn’t been invited to do.

Your dad shouldn’t have let you intrude. Your brother did absolutely nothing wrong.

This is spades.

The hallmark of every addict is their self-centeredness.

You created a way to intrude on your brother’s visit with his baby and expected too much when you admit there’s always a bad vibe between you. You wanted to see the baby, which you hadn’t been invited to do.

Absolutely. You have made this all about you, and even sought sympathy for your brother's reaction, which was entirely reasonable and understandable. You then tried to get your parents to pick sides. Your side.

You have a long way to go on your road to recovery.