Should I move my son to a different school? What would you do?!

[ThomasinaTittleMouse]

I’m after some much needed advice having driven myself mad this past week thinking about different solutions!

My eldest son is 5 and in reception. He went to the pre-school at the same school and absolutely loved it. The transition to reception was easy and initially he was very happy and settled.

Since October half term things have gradually deteriorated. We’re at the point now where it is a battle to get him to go to school and when I collect him he is very angry and emotional.

Without prompting from us, the school raised an issue with a particular child. This child has SEN (if relevant), and has formed a very strong attachment to DS. He is overbearing, not liking DS playing with other children and if DS tries to he’ll have a (sometimes violent) meltdown. He is also very dominant in play and has melt downs if DS does not do as he is told.

When the school first told us I thought they had it in hand and were managing the situation. But recently I’ve seen this dynamic in action and it’s really concerning me.

I suppose I have two concerns, the first being that these early years of education Are formative in teaching how relationships work, what a good and healthy friendship is and how group dynamics work. My worry is DS is not being exposed to this.

My second concern is the change I’ve seen in DS. He used to be happy and easy going and kind to his siblings. Over the past couple of terms he has become so angry and rude. Saying things which I find quite shocking. E.g ‘I hate you so much I’m going to kill myself so you’ll never get to see me again’. Is this normal five year old behaviour!?

I guess what I’m asking is - is it normal for five year olds to not want to go to school and to be so emotional when collected? Is it normal for them to start to say such things?

Could there be a link between this other child and DS being unhappy at school? Would I be unreasonable to move him to a different school to get away from the dynamic.

I have discussed with the school, although they acknowledge there is an issue with the relationship they have not done much to help.

Any advice would be gratefully received!

The school has neglected their duty here. They should have excluded this other child or sent him to a specialist school if he threatens to kill himself to your son in order to gain his friendship. If I was you, I would be fuming and taking all measures, even consider homeschooling. The fact they are kids does not mean they are allowed everything.

Have you addressed this with the school? Especially the concerning language your son has begun to use. That's not normal things for a child to say. If the school is not helping I would definitely consider moving him. What has your son said when you speak to him about the boy?

If only it were that simple to just send a child to a special school (or indeed exclude them).

YANBU though OP - this sounds really worrying and if the school won't do anything then yes I'd move him.

You need to encourage your ds to walk away or tell duty staff, every time. Kids with additional needs (not sure how you are so certain) rarely get support until the school has evidence of need. Treat the school refusal and attitude at home separately.

We have just had a very similar experience and we did move our son.
I have to say I breathed a sigh of relief!
My son is now back to his usual self , a lot calmer and much happier at school. Good luck in whatever you decide, I know it's not easy.

Oh just move him - imagine if we were to go to work and get this treatment every day. This school is failing your son.

guess what I’m asking is - is it normal for five year olds to not want to go to school and to be so emotional when collected?

No

Is it normal for them to start to say such things?

No

I'd move him. Partly to get away from the problem child but mostly because the school has failed so thoroughly to deal with it. Best of luck.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It’s really helpful to hear other people’s opinions.

This.

It doesn't look as though it is going to get any better and the school is failing both your child and the other child.

Op please move your son. I had similar with my daughter and i was going to move her but after numerous meetings with school I took their advice and didnt. I will never forgive myself for listening to false promises from those who i thought knew better and let us down.Please dont make my mistake and trust anything but your gut feeling.The consequences to my child and us as a wider family have been nothing short of a nightmare.

Spot on.
Masking is necessary but there does need to be time dedicated to taking it off and you doing you.
This is from someone who had a total breakdown from masking too much. It’s a real struggle to fit in but necessary as we all want to be liked and accepted. It sucks that we still have an education system solely aimed at academia and not skills development until much later on.
Some kids/adults won’t be able to wear any mask and those are the ones who need dedicated support.

I would move him ASAP. Sounds like the school isn't actually trying here.

The school.is letting your son down OP. This other child needs their support and possible a full time TA to support them.
Your DS also need their support he should not be subjected to this kind of treatment from another child and it's clearly affecting his monde and behaviour.

Demand à meeting with the HT, ask them how they are going to support your child to be secure and happy in school and have the relationships he chooses.
If the answer isn't good enough.. move him

Not remotely normal for him to be saying those things. I would move him. Doesnt sound like this is going to get dealt with.

I’d move him. He needs to get away from this child, and the current school haven’t done that.

I would move him. It doesn't sound as if the school is taking the situation with the other child seriously enough. I hope you have some other decent options locally.

I’d have a meeting with the school before moving him. Why should your child have to move when he’s done nothing wrong?

Why aren’t the school controlling/monitoring this other child better? That child shouldn’t be allowed near your son, not in class and not at break.

My DD had similar in reception. Manifested itself around Easter as well, so similar time frame. The "friend" couldn't stand my DD talking to or being friends with anyone else. Fun times...

I spoke with teacher several times - tbh she was crap. Made all the right noises and nothing changed. Things improved after the Easter break, and talking to the Head in the playground one afternoon also noticeably changed the teachers attitude towards the problem. They were split up in class, rather than put together all the time which made a massive difference.

Their 1st year teacher was much more on the ball (the reason we stayed with the school). The problem was pretty much resolved from our point of view. I also believe they added a load of support for the other child. I never knew their whole story (rightly so), but I know they had a fair few challenges in their home life which impacted their behaviour. I can sympathise - but didn't want my child to be their punching bag!

There is almost certainly a link to his behaviour. Is switching to an alternative school an easy option ? If so, I'd just make arrangements to move if I were you except if both schools are private and it's also a strong possibility that he could be followed so to speak.

If it is fee paying I would ask for notice to be waived too and see if he can be admitted after Easter.
Either way state or independent, I'd be reading the riot act. This is deeply unfair on your child.

Hi OP

Your post has really resonated with me. We are in a similar position a few years on. In hindsight we didn't kick up enough of a fuss. Things I've learnt:

• the school act, if there is overt violence / destructive meltdowns. They turn a blind eye to emotional manipulation, threats (of being excluded from friendship groups etc) and other extremely controlling behaviour from the SEN child

• the school (and I imagine the majority of schools) do not have the resources to manage the effects of the behaviour of the SEN child on other children. They barely have enough resources to manage the SEN child's own behaviour.

• their key objective is to stop the SEN child disrupting lessons and preventing the class learning. If this means that they have to use your child as part of this management, then they will. So for example if your child doesn't want to sit next to SEN child, and the SEN child demands this and has a meltdown if it isn't happening, this will happen, as the teacher has to go with what's beat for the majority. In the past our school has been known to send children out of lessons to accompany SEN child to other places e.g. SEN room, to calm them down

• this level of controlling behaviour of the SEN child can and will have a significant impact on your child. My child now has the mindset of they must forgive all behaviour of SEN child including violent and aggressive meltdowns, destruction of work etc because the SEN child can't help it. My child has an issue with boundaries in friendship now and accepts any sort of shit.

I am not blaming the school here, they have been fighting for more resource and supervision and in hindsight we did not kick up enough of a fuss so I don't think they realised how much it affected my child (although all the children in this small friendship group are now under pastoral care at school mainly due to SEN child). I am not blaming the parents of the SEN child, they are fighting really hard for an alternative school place somewhere that would suit them better. And I'm not blaming the SEN child who is a nice child but literally can't cope with school. I do blame myself for not liaising with school at an earlier stage, making clear the negative consequences and insisting on action.

At this stage I would write a formal letter to school copying in the teacher and head of year or key stage, stating

• what the issue is
• what effect its having on your son
• what you would like them to do about it

Make sure you give specific examples of how it is affecting your son

State that a failure to do this will be causing a safeguarding issue to your son and impacting his mental health further

Be specific - instead of saying just keep them apart state that they are not to be sat together in a group, they are not to be partnered up for any activities, any other teachers eg PE must be made aware, you do not want them sitting together at lunchtime, and you want the lunch ans break time supervisors to make sure that there is no one on one play between them, if they are playing in a group and it gets too much then there needs to be a safe space your child can go where this child can't follow etc

Good luck. Make sure you follow up and review regularly. And move him (or ask that he moves class) if no improvement. Though be aware due to SEN provision cuts this will be an issue lots of places. Its much easier to do this now than in a few years, when your son will see being moved as a punishment rather than something to help him

No it's not normal at all. Yes absolutely a link between both unfortunately. How would you feel in his situation and that's with the reasoning skill of an adult?
The school need to sort or you should move him.
So difficult for schools to deal with SEN tho, often too high a need that they cannot cater for and kids like your DS pay the price. I'm an ex primary teacher.

Also everything this poster has said!

It’s so early in your child’s education that I would move schools.