Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I move my son to a different school? What would you do?!

29 replies

ThomasinaTittleMouse · 19/03/2024 13:41

I’m after some much needed advice having driven myself mad this past week thinking about different solutions!

My eldest son is 5 and in reception. He went to the pre-school at the same school and absolutely loved it. The transition to reception was easy and initially he was very happy and settled.

Since October half term things have gradually deteriorated. We’re at the point now where it is a battle to get him to go to school and when I collect him he is very angry and emotional.

Without prompting from us, the school raised an issue with a particular child. This child has SEN (if relevant), and has formed a very strong attachment to DS. He is overbearing, not liking DS playing with other children and if DS tries to he’ll have a (sometimes violent) meltdown. He is also very dominant in play and has melt downs if DS does not do as he is told.

When the school first told us I thought they had it in hand and were managing the situation. But recently I’ve seen this dynamic in action and it’s really concerning me.

I suppose I have two concerns, the first being that these early years of education Are formative in teaching how relationships work, what a good and healthy friendship is and how group dynamics work. My worry is DS is not being exposed to this.

My second concern is the change I’ve seen in DS. He used to be happy and easy going and kind to his siblings. Over the past couple of terms he has become so angry and rude. Saying things which I find quite shocking. E.g ‘I hate you so much I’m going to kill myself so you’ll never get to see me again’. Is this normal five year old behaviour!?

I guess what I’m asking is - is it normal for five year olds to not want to go to school and to be so emotional when collected? Is it normal for them to start to say such things?

Could there be a link between this other child and DS being unhappy at school? Would I be unreasonable to move him to a different school to get away from the dynamic.

I have discussed with the school, although they acknowledge there is an issue with the relationship they have not done much to help.

Any advice would be gratefully received!

OP posts:
user1471556818 · 19/03/2024 20:03

Lots of really good advice here especially the letter as evidence of what's going on . I really hope you get the support you need to protect your son .How horrible for him

Original poster
ThomasinaTittleMouse · 19/03/2024 20:07

Thank you so much for all the great advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to give such helpful pointers and for sharing experiences.

I’ve managed to organise a meeting with the head teacher and my son’s class teacher for early next week. I’m feeling much more prepared and confident thanks to all your responses!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 19/03/2024 20:18

Is it single form entry or are there multiple reception classes. If the latter, I think my first option would be to ask if he could change classes

Snugglemonkey · 19/03/2024 21:11

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/03/2024 16:52

Hi OP

Your post has really resonated with me. We are in a similar position a few years on. In hindsight we didn't kick up enough of a fuss. Things I've learnt:

  • the school act, if there is overt violence / destructive meltdowns. They turn a blind eye to emotional manipulation, threats (of being excluded from friendship groups etc) and other extremely controlling behaviour from the SEN child

  • the school (and I imagine the majority of schools) do not have the resources to manage the effects of the behaviour of the SEN child on other children. They barely have enough resources to manage the SEN child's own behaviour.

  • their key objective is to stop the SEN child disrupting lessons and preventing the class learning. If this means that they have to use your child as part of this management, then they will. So for example if your child doesn't want to sit next to SEN child, and the SEN child demands this and has a meltdown if it isn't happening, this will happen, as the teacher has to go with what's beat for the majority. In the past our school has been known to send children out of lessons to accompany SEN child to other places e.g. SEN room, to calm them down

  • this level of controlling behaviour of the SEN child can and will have a significant impact on your child. My child now has the mindset of they must forgive all behaviour of SEN child including violent and aggressive meltdowns, destruction of work etc because the SEN child can't help it. My child has an issue with boundaries in friendship now and accepts any sort of shit.

I am not blaming the school here, they have been fighting for more resource and supervision and in hindsight we did not kick up enough of a fuss so I don't think they realised how much it affected my child (although all the children in this small friendship group are now under pastoral care at school mainly due to SEN child). I am not blaming the parents of the SEN child, they are fighting really hard for an alternative school place somewhere that would suit them better. And I'm not blaming the SEN child who is a nice child but literally can't cope with school. I do blame myself for not liaising with school at an earlier stage, making clear the negative consequences and insisting on action.

At this stage I would write a formal letter to school copying in the teacher and head of year or key stage, stating

  • what the issue is
  • what effect its having on your son
  • what you would like them to do about it

Make sure you give specific examples of how it is affecting your son

State that a failure to do this will be causing a safeguarding issue to your son and impacting his mental health further

Be specific - instead of saying just keep them apart state that they are not to be sat together in a group, they are not to be partnered up for any activities, any other teachers eg PE must be made aware, you do not want them sitting together at lunchtime, and you want the lunch ans break time supervisors to make sure that there is no one on one play between them, if they are playing in a group and it gets too much then there needs to be a safe space your child can go where this child can't follow etc

Good luck. Make sure you follow up and review regularly. And move him (or ask that he moves class) if no improvement. Though be aware due to SEN provision cuts this will be an issue lots of places. Its much easier to do this now than in a few years, when your son will see being moved as a punishment rather than something to help him

All of this. We had similar situation and I was very vocal about it. I felt really bad. The child and indeed their mummy were both so lovely. It felt so shitty to complain, but I spoke to her mummy and said I had complained, apologised, explained that my 4 year old said he did not want to be alive any more. "What is the point when I get hurt every day? Why am I so mean? I can't just ignore her hurting me, she can't help it. Etc was coming out of his mouth.

The mum had put a message on our class WhatsApp explaining she has issues, being investigated etc, apologies to any child negatively impacted.

I had so much respect for her. I could seeher challenge. I did not complain to hurt them. I wanted help for them. And I needed my child to be safe. You need to prioritise your child. To fight for your child. There needs to be fuss! Kick off!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page