How to help my Mum?

[Askingadvice100]

Hello everyone, would it be possible to ask for your advice and experiences please. I’ll try to keep it brief and please tell me if IABU?

Last night my grandmother who is almost 101 was taken to hospital as a precaution after a fall and bump to the head. She is incredibly frail. This is the 3rd fall she has had in 3 weeks. She is stoically independent, lives alone in a 1 bed upstairs council flat where she has lived for 50years and has carers that come in to check on her/help with meals 3x per day for 30 mins. My mum is an only child and basically does all of the other caring for my Grandma, taking her to appointments, food shopping, washing and ironing, paying all her bills, has her on Sundays for family day and a roast dinner plus taking 10+ calls a day and often in the middle of the night from my Grandma in a state - she’s too hot, too cold, doesn’t feel well, carer hasn’t been, doesn’t know what to do, legs ache, basically a constant emotional turmoil. My Nan treats my Mum like a slave and is really nasty with it. I know it’s not her fault and just a result of being so old and afraid! My mum is absolutely on her knees, and I’m seriously worried about her health at this point. She is also mid seventies herself and almost at a point of a breakdown with it all. It has been going on for over a decade and getting progressively worse. My brother and I help out wherever we can but we both have young families and jobs so there is a limit to what we can do on a daily basis. A few months ago I went with my Mum to speak to my Grandma about the possibility of her going into a home, but she shut us down and said over her dead body!

I now feel that at this point it is not safe for her to be in her flat, and I’m worried sick that my Mum is going to have an accident herself trying to get my Grandma up and down the stairs. I told my Mum to raise these concerns at the hospital which she did. The hospital have now come back and told my Mum that my Grandma is going to be discharged, and as she has self funded care (as a result of squirrelling her pension away for decades not because she has any other source of income apart from a small attendance allowance) and that she is of sound mind they cannot stop her going home if that’s what she wants to do. I love my Grandma dearly and don’t want to see her in harm or distress in any way, but I feel that my mum cannot go on like this. Has anyone else seen this type of situation and how was it resolved?
AIBU to want to intervene? How do I do that? I can’t bear the thought of my mum going under physically or mentally, and if I had to choose between her and my Grandma I would choose her.
If you got this far thanks for reading x

That sounds extremely stressful. Could grandma move in with your mum and still have carers? Would that be an option

It might be worth contacting adult social services.

Your Mum should contact adult social services and ask for an assessment of Grandma and a carer’s assessment herself. She should tell SS she is at risk of carer breakdown and will soon be removing all support. BUT like the hospital says if Grandma has capacity she can make her own stupid decisions.

Would Grandma consent to a respite placement which she ‘gets back on her feet’? This may buy some time.

No my Grandma wouldn’t be able to manage the stairs at my mums either. Also, I feel that might add more stress to my Mum as then she really wouldn’t have any downtime away from her.
It’s an awful thing to say but if it was a younger adult treating my Mum in the way my Grandma does I think it would class as abuse.

Speak to Adult Social Services

I agree that you or your mum do a referral to adult social care.

The other option is that your mum steps back. There is care in place, you nan pays for it, so your mum doesn't NEED to do what she does.

Can you maybe take your mum away for a weekend and bring matters to a head. See how nan copes with just the carers for a couple of days. Something needs to give and ideally it's not your mum's health.

I’m not exactly sure what you want.

1. Nan has capacity and £ to pay for care.
2. mum can reduce what she does (carers could do washing), she could not answer the ph so much,
3. does Nan have warden call/careline alarm? They do welfare calls often, so spread the care.
4. if mum keeps providing the care, SS don’t have to. (Not suggesting mum should, just advising options).
5. at her age a move is not ideal, hence it’s not discussed and Nan would have to agree or have been assessed as lacking capacity. Sheltered housing, extra care sheltered both have staff on site, but moving house is stressful and Nan would have to agree.
6. consider technology options, cameras, voice activated reminders, smart watch, I pad to video call etc.
7. care assessment for Nan and carers assessment for Mum. Mum has to stop!

no easy options, sorry.

Look up Carers First website they offer lots of advice financial and practical in finding help.

Thanks so much for all your points. To answer a few…

1. limited funds, she is running at a deficit each week with the minimal care she has, and no option of stepping up to night care which she really needs as only has 1 bedroom. She has no way of accessing her own money my mum has to physically do that for her.
2. Yes agree!
3. she has a careline alarm but if she presses it (which she does frequently so much so my Mum is on first name terms with the call handlers) they ring my mum as her emergency contact which doesn’t reduce the stress for my Mum. She has learnt it’s a way to get to my mum if my mum doesn’t answer the phone!
4. I know totally but how to transition? My mum told the hospital today she was broken and couldn’t continue to provide the care but it made no difference
5. Ok but does lacking capacity not mean physically as well as mentally?
6. This is definitely something we can look into
7. so hard to withdraw support for someone you love 😢

I know there are no easy options, thank you for your insight x

@Askingadvice100 try posting on this thread You will find so much practical help and support from people who are in the same position.

Capacity means does she have the ability to retain information, weigh up the options and make a decision. If she can do that then she is deemed to have capacity, and can make her own decision re where she lives, care etc, even if those decisions are unwise. If she is lacking capacity it means she's not able to make those decisions herself and they can be made for her. I think it's a more legal/ethical term rather a is she managing physically and mentally.

As long as your mum continues with the care she is giving nothing will change. The best thing is for her to ring Social Services and say she can’t provide any more care and mean it. Social Services will be then forced to do another assessment. I agree that she doesn’t seem to be safe at home any longer and socials services need to be aware how often she is falling. Very difficult situation for you all but until it really comes to a head, nothing will change.

I'm sorry your mum is in this situation. I also have experience of a grandparent treating their child very badly. I think your mum needs to look after herself. It isn't fair that she is subjected to abuse. And if she is feeling like she is going to breakdown, something needs to change. The term put your own oxygen mask on before helping others is coming to mind. It's easier said than done, but your mum shouldn't feel guilty. I'm not quite sure what the best way to go is, but I think adult social services, age concern for advice, your mum speaking to her gp and maybe you and your brother speaking to the hospital team again are all starting points. Your Nan has the right to return to her own home, but she cannot assume your mum continues to do so much. I think you have to be very blunt with the hospital to say how your nan isn't coping with carers 3x a day and how much your mum is doing and cannot continue to do. Sometimes you have to be a bit of a broken record and repeat it several times before you're heard. I hope you manage to get it sorted for your mum and nan.

Grandma is far from independent , quite the opposite. She's very dependant on a lot of input to enable her to live there.
Mum needs to step away completely. No shopping, no errands, no cooking, no running over there. Zero. Whilst she is propping up the situation, nothing will change. Seen it 1000 times.
Otherwise, on it goes. To the physical and mental detriment of family leaving a negative legacy. Seen that too.