to think of this as a bit of an insult?

[TooIntrovert]

We were playing a game over the weekend where we each say 5 things we're grateful about for each other. My third one to my husband was that I love the great relationship he's got with our son and how nurturing he is.
He said "yeh I dunno why that's a compliment, in some ways I'm even more nurturing than you are!"

AIBU to regard this as insulting? Or am I being too sensitive?

Background is that we are going through a really hard patch and to be honest the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I'll still have to communicate with him if we separate (for parenting stuff) so I don't see how my situation would improve.
I am finding so many things he says or does toxic. And I'm not sure whether I'm just a hugely sensitive/anxiously attached person or whether the situation would be unbearable regardless. So this will give me some perspective.

Also I was saying it because he didn't really want to be hands on as a dad, he was really wedded to the idea of "mum knows best and I don't know what I'm doing"...his mum was a SAHM and that's what he pictured for us. But my parents coparents and that's what I wanted, so he stepped up and I'm really glad as they have an amazing bond.
The other 4 compliments were not to do with parenting!
But I'm seething about his comment....of all the 100s of things he could have said "thank you" or "yay we both have different strengths" or nothing at all...am I reading too much into it?

I mean it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship tbh so I wouldn't get hung up on his comment.

You've answered your own question.
I am finding so many things he says or does toxic

to be honest the only reason I'm staying in the relationship is because I'll still have to communicate with him if we separate (for parenting stuff) so I don't see how my situation would improve.
That's a cop out and you know it. You can communicate factual things eg pickups, overnights via email or a specific app that the family court recommends. That can keeps all the emotional nastiness to one outlet unlike the experience you are having 24/7 whilst living under the same roof.

Your child will be picking up on this. Do you have the financial means to leave?

It doesn't seem your DH understands what gratitude is. He seems to equate it with a compliment. They are not equivalent. Try to explain to him what gratitude is, (define your terms ). Communication is all about getting a message across to someone and how that is done is equally important.

Don't get defensive or take things personally. This gratitude thing is new to many men and they sometimes get embarrassed about expressing their feelings in a vulnerable way. If you get mad at him, he will only close himself off more. Try to be patient and help him say what he feels by asking gentle questions instead. Listen. Pause. Reflect before answering.

I agree his response was not very nice. Try to read between the lines and find something positive about what he said. ( not easy). You want to encourage him to open up him, not shut him down.

Thanks. I didn't know that. I actually have a booking with a lawyer tomorrow to find out how it all works.

Between work we only see each other evenings and weekends.

But my friends I know who are separated are still unhappy because they have to interact with their ex and hear the same stuff that drove them out in the first place. The judge doesn't seem to have the power to stop the flippant comment here or there from happening. Plus, they then start hearing their partner's voice through their kids, who are clearly being manipulated by their parent.
So, I'm scared....

We don't have much of a relationship because I get hung up on stuff like this so I'm trying to work out if I'm being overly sensitive

Thanks this makes a lot of sense. I am currently very reactive just feeling overwhelmed with our relationship but I can see how this would be far more constructive than how I'm actually reacting.

I'm pretty sure that your relationship is at the point where there is literally nothing either of you could say to the other that wouldn't feel annoying/insulting/toxic.

Regarding financial means. We both work 50% PT. We'd have to both go FT to afford 2 households and I'm not sure we'd make it even then as we'd have to pay for childcare (a secondary impact on the child on top of losing the family home)

Sorry OP I didn't see the whole picture. If you are on your way out of the relationship then you should be on your defensive and not be vulnerable with him. No reason to flog a dead horse or to question yourself. Now you must be strong and look out for yourself.

He is trying to make you feel bad. Don't let him.

If my DH said this to me I'd think oh fuck off, because he could have said thank you, or how lovely, or so are you, but he chose to answer something standoffish. So yeah he's a dick.

Perhaps. Is there a scenario in which the original comment could be taken more lightly than I am taking it?
Perhaps I shouldn't have provided all of the context to make it a true test 🙈

Thank you.
Yeh I think it's like "great, another nail in the coffin"
I wish I could say "oh fuck off" and then move on. But I feel like I'm treading on eggshells re where the next thinly veiled insult is coming from.

Why do people put themselves (and others) on the spot like this? Five things you're grateful for about your DH, and he about you, is this to try and paper over the cracks or to prove I love you more than you love me or to try to find something (anything) nice to say, or what? My DH to me would all be back handed compliments at best I suspect and God know what I would say about him, we might have a good laugh about it or it could all end in tears.

Don't do it, all so forced and very likely said just to please or even to not please, and since your relationship is already in a bad place a really bad idea. Pretend it never happened.

It sounds like he doesn’t even like you very much which is a bare minimum requirement for living with someone.

Things are clearly so toxic now that everything he says and does will inevitably be annoying. Splitting will at least mean that you hear his words less.

The atmosphere must be awful for your kids. You might be able to cope but your kids shouldn’t have to.

I'm sorry if I may have contributed to confusing you. You are absolutely right , what he said was cruel, insulting, and totally gratuitous .

I am not able to cope. That's the problem.
I hide my reactions as best as I can from the kids and unpack them later. But it's getting to the point where I'm unable to hide how I feel / don't always have the time I need to unpack so much baggage. So that's why I made the appointment with the lawyer tomorrow

ugh, mn ate my post...

Good luck with your solicitor tomorrow, I hope you find a way forward

Many, many children are fine in wrap around care, some even look forward to doing extra activities with their friends. You are more likely to "harm" a child by them living with two unhappy and snippy parents under the one roof. If you leave you can provide a happy, loving and calm environment for a minimum of 50% of the time. That's got to be a win.

I have to agree with pp, if you are at a point of walking on eggshells and solicitors then maybe it's time to stop those cutesy family games which enable nasty point scoring from him. That is all it was - a way to put you down.

It doesn't sound like a game that was ever going to end well.

Yeh. I think part of me thought (hoped) it was all in my head and the therapy / conversations / things we're doing to repair would eventually kick in and make me feel more stable. But I still feel like I'm treading on eggshells and have run out of tether.

It takes two to repair a relationship, even with therapy. Sounds like he doesn't want it as much as you (anymore). If you are in joint therapy maybe it's time to ask the hard question as to whether he can see a future with you all together. A good therapist can help you navigate the breakup if that is where it's heading.

However, if you are walking on eggshells and feeling mentally/emotionally unstable I am going to gently suggest you look up emotional abuse on gov.uk, your local council webpage, cab, age concern, women's aid, refuge, relate, etc all have the signs listed. If you recognise those signs then please stop any joint therapy immediately.

It doesn't sound like much of a game, it sounds like something a therapist would get you to do during a session. How does a game like that even start?

Is that in reference to the game or her whole relationship, of which the game comment is a small part. Did you read the rest of her posts?

Oh, I thought you were going to add value to the thread and clarify. I agree, you are hard work 😉