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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stay in village or move?

44 replies

Severalwhippets · 17/03/2024 20:29

Dh has been offered a good opportunity in London and he is considering a move back to the town we lived in as children so he can commute easily.
Both families are still there, as well as childhood friends we stayed in touch with.

We have lived in a quiet village which is quite rural for the last 15yrs happily in Devon. Dc are now at uni, one doing A levels shortly leaving for uni too.

We have lots of friends here and are obviously settled, but we have become steadily bored as dc have turned into teens. It’s become harder to keep teens entertained.

The dilemma is do we move back now? Start a new chapter, closer to London for dc and close to both sides of the family. More of a vibrant life, but likely to be much busier than where we are now.

Or stay here with nice friends but a somewhat limited lifestyle as older adults? I am scared to make a mistake. Dh is lucky to get this job, he will soon be 60 and this is will be his last chance. My job is portable and I can wfh.

I think I am most worried about leaving such a nice network of friends behind and a peaceful life. What are your priorities in your 50s? What do you look for to keep these years happy and interesting? Am I throwing away a good life here?

Dc are happy either way. They always say they are embarrassed to bring friends home because it’s too dull and boring here. They don’t love it here anymore as it’s so quiet. They have friends but seem to gravitate to London or cities now.

OP posts:
Ioverslept · 17/03/2024 20:31

Maybe go and come back when you retire if you miss it?

AllEars112232 · 17/03/2024 20:33

You're not selling the village life to me! And I love in a village.
DH deserves to pursue this career opportunity and it's not as if you don't have any connection to the area the job is in.
I'd move if it was me.

Original poster
Severalwhippets · 17/03/2024 20:43

Ioverslept · 17/03/2024 20:31

Maybe go and come back when you retire if you miss it?

The services here are pretty non existent I am not sure it would be wise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Severalwhippets · 17/03/2024 20:43

AllEars112232 · 17/03/2024 20:33

You're not selling the village life to me! And I love in a village.
DH deserves to pursue this career opportunity and it's not as if you don't have any connection to the area the job is in.
I'd move if it was me.

Sorry about that, it was incredible when dc were younger but now not so much.

OP posts:
BIWO · 17/03/2024 21:55

Slightly older than you - I am 60 - I have lived in a semi-rural village for the best part of 30 years - I have got to the point where I need to live in a town with more facilities. Everything I do requires a drive - my GP practice has now combined with other village practices - so a simple vax appointment could be a 30 mile round trip. My main interests are culture - cinema/theatre + live sports. I look downstream and think what would I do if I can't drive - for whatever reason. (You can't get out of this village after 5pm on a Saturday until Monday morning if relying on buses. Personally if I was you - I would look at moving.

Myyearmytime · 19/03/2024 17:55

Well go and live urban life . And enjoy it .

WhatNoRaisins · 19/03/2024 17:57

If you're already worrying about a lack of services I'd be moving.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 19/03/2024 18:01

I live rurally and absolutely love it. But I have already considered that I might not love it quite as much as an elderly woman living alone. I think I’d look to move if I was you, particularly if you will have family nearby.

Original poster
Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:03

I think it’s the network here and the nice people stopping me.

I am afraid though of becoming isolated in time. We have no transport links or shops. Hospital is 25 miles away. And culturally it’s non existent tbh

OP posts:
Nevermind31 · 19/03/2024 18:07

you will be closer to family. Old friends. Most likely your children. It will be easier to go on holiday. More to do. Closer to amenities. Why wouldn’t you?

LlynTegid · 19/03/2024 18:07

I'd want to be somewhere with transport links myself. You could be unable to drive for any one of a number of reasons, banks are becoming an endangered species in some places, and I would miss cinema and music if I lived rurally.

Original poster
Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:11

Nevermind31 · 19/03/2024 18:07

you will be closer to family. Old friends. Most likely your children. It will be easier to go on holiday. More to do. Closer to amenities. Why wouldn’t you?

I have such lovely friends and it is so pretty in the summer here. I have felt safe and valued, and like I matter.

I lived in London before and felt lost and invisible.

We won’t be moving to London but to Surrey/Kent borders if we go and I suppose I am fearful of going. Will it be too busy for us now?
I would love to see more of our families, we are very close, so that’s a huge plus.

OP posts:
Autumcolors · 19/03/2024 18:14

At the age of your DH you take the job.
It will probably be his last job before retirement? And if it isn’t there are probably more opportunities where you plan to move that where you are now.
You can always visit friends you have made in your village - and they can come see you.

Original poster
Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:15

I am wondering what we will need with adult children still in uni, us late 50s/60s/70s. How do you future proof your next stage?

OP posts:
CommeIlFaut · 19/03/2024 18:17

I think if you are going to move away from the village you are settled in, now is the perfect time to do it. Too many older people wait for too long and find the move impossible to make, ending up even more isolated. There are some lovely towns and villages around Kent and Surrey, and if you move now, working and in good health, you will be able to form long-standing social networks that will see you into older age. There will be more facilities which are easier to get to and lots more going on in terms of social activities and culture for when you have more time on your hands. The likelihood is too that your children will be keen to come and visit, and maybe to live with you for a while if you are closer to the opportunities the Southeast has to offer. And don’t forget, some of those long-standing friends in your village might themselves decide to move away, to be closer to grandchildren or a different lifestyle. Don’t bank on your existing network remaining the same.

CommeIlFaut · 19/03/2024 18:20

Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:15

I am wondering what we will need with adult children still in uni, us late 50s/60s/70s. How do you future proof your next stage?

Edited

That’s a tricky one, isn’t it? Old enough to be thinking about old age, but not so old as to be ready for a retirement village just yet!

DH and I have talked about this, although we are 10 years younger than you. We will be looking for a nice three bed semi with a small garden within walking distance of a town with plenty of shops and cultural attractions. The reasoning around three beds, is that it feels manageable compared with our current house, but big enough that both of our children could live at home, or herds of grandchildren could come and stay in the future. we wouldn’t want to be without a garden, and once space for which have dogs are with us by then, but I will hold a small party when we can finally get rid of the need for a ride on lawnmower.

Original poster
Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:21

Kids are admittedly bored here already in the holidays & and have been for some time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 18:35

CommeIlFaut · 19/03/2024 18:17

I think if you are going to move away from the village you are settled in, now is the perfect time to do it. Too many older people wait for too long and find the move impossible to make, ending up even more isolated. There are some lovely towns and villages around Kent and Surrey, and if you move now, working and in good health, you will be able to form long-standing social networks that will see you into older age. There will be more facilities which are easier to get to and lots more going on in terms of social activities and culture for when you have more time on your hands. The likelihood is too that your children will be keen to come and visit, and maybe to live with you for a while if you are closer to the opportunities the Southeast has to offer. And don’t forget, some of those long-standing friends in your village might themselves decide to move away, to be closer to grandchildren or a different lifestyle. Don’t bank on your existing network remaining the same.

How easy is it to make new friends in 50s stage? I met most of my friends through our children or similar stage in life and it was effortless at the time. I have a handful of childhood friends but not the groups and networks I currently have here. I will have my own family though which will be wonderful.

I guess I will have more time for book
clubs and hobbies. I just feel very nervous about making a costly mistake, and just the move. I am really recognising that I just don’t think I could do this much later.

OP posts:
Namehascahnged · 19/03/2024 18:48

Before this job offer came up .. what was the plan ?
did you plan to stay put ?
We live rurally in an active village- the only think that worries me is no nearby hospital. What would your concerns be about staying ?
it hit home to me that you said you felt safe where you are ?

Namehascahnged · 19/03/2024 18:50

Severalwhippets we moved here in our 50 s - it was fine re friendships - I thjnk it very much depends on the place you choose .. some places are v different to others.

Onshoreyean · 19/03/2024 18:52

I'd struggle to leave a lovely community like that, we live in a similar village, in our 50's and just couldn't contemplate leaving but then I love being outside, walking, running gardening etc and happy to go into town for theatre, cinema, eating

rookiemere · 19/03/2024 18:53

Could you hedge your bets ? Rent rather than buy.

Original poster
Severalwhippets · 19/03/2024 19:05

Namehascahnged · 19/03/2024 18:48

Before this job offer came up .. what was the plan ?
did you plan to stay put ?
We live rurally in an active village- the only think that worries me is no nearby hospital. What would your concerns be about staying ?
it hit home to me that you said you felt safe where you are ?

He is working atm but mostly from home in a job that he really doesn’t like but can do, it’s not as well paid as the new job offer. The new job offer really gives him the chance, perhaps his last chance, to make some money before we retire. I will still work for years but it’s not amazing pay.

We didn’t think we would move away only downsize. Lots of older people live here and seem happy. However I don’t think our kids stand a chance of getting a good job here (it’s all agriculture) or buying a house ever. They will have to move away. I would love the chance to offer them a family home within commuting distance as my SIL and BIL have done.

It’s really hit me how hard it’s going to be to support my children in any capacity through the next stage if we stay here.

My parents are getting older and need more help. I miss so much family stuff as I can’t make it most of the time. Lots of reasons to go but it is so lovely and peaceful here and a terrible wrench to leave. I feel safe and cared for.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 19/03/2024 19:06

Can you afford to buy a place in your childhood village, then rent out your current house, in case you change your mind after a couple of years and want to move back? Then you can sell the second home.

Or rent out your current home, whilst you all rent in the childhood village, then sell it if you decide to stay on. Although, getting a new mortgage might be more difficult due to your ages. Depends on how healthy your finances are really.

Write a list of pros and cons of staying and moving...you probably shouldn't stay for the people alone, as they may end up moving away themselves. But I understand how daunting it all is as we have seriously considered relocating a few times.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/03/2024 19:09

I would keep your house as a country house and air bnb it when you're not there. Rent near London and see how you feel in a year or so