Boyfriend texting his ex wife

[Monday1976]

I would love to hear what others think but sorry for the ramble.

My boyfriend and his ex have quite a strained relationship (or so he says). They have a child together and everytime she says jump, he asks how high. We have been together nearly 2 years and although they were separated when we met, she has always been horrible.about me. She wouldn't let me see their son for nearly a year. Then my boyfriend put his foot down and said he had decided I was safe enough. She says horrible things about my job and belittles me. Their son has mentioned some things she has said. At Xmas she made us all leave a family visit at 6.30am so we would be back for 9am for a santa visit (at this event my brother's SIL took me aside and said she thought i was putting up with a lot).

His ex changed plans on my boyfriend's birthday in Decemember and instead of his son staying over with him to celebrate, she asked for him.back. I suggested she pick him up from my house as this is where my partner and his son were and my partner had had a celebratory drink at a pantomime we went to.She refused and made them walk in torrential rain to her as she didn't want to come near my house.

I have seen texts from her to my boyfriend saying I am emotionally unstable and she doesn't want her son around me. My boyfriend never sticks up for me. She is always keen to know if we argue and one time my boyfriend said we had a fall out and she asked him around to her house. I have told my boyfriend how disrespected I feel.by her (and him). My boyfriend.says she is toxic and controlling. Despite putting her down, however, I found he.texted her to wish her happy birthday yesterday in the morning. This has hurt and confused me but I don't know if IABU. I do feel humiliated.as she was out with her sister and they must have wondered why he was texting her when he is with me. When I raised it with him.he got angry with me.

His ex wanted us to change our plans with their son today. It was not possible but he sent her the longest apologetic text ever. The reason we couldn't change it was because I bought tickets for my boyfriend, his son and I to go to an event - with careful planning from my boyfriend weeks ago. I wasn't sure why he was apologising as neither he nor I did.anything wrong. He was saying he really hoped she was able.to still.have a good birthday. I saw other texts he had sent her recently which were him trying to reach out with news about someone they both knew dying. He never told me and i should be the one supporting him with this. And from the tone of the texts his ex clearly wasnt interested in his messages.I feel such a mug that he is texting her but AIBU?. I have also noticed he has stopped caring about his appearance around me. I really think I need to let him go as he clearly isn't putting me first/being honest about their relationship/making enough effort with me. What do you think?

Sadly if he stands up for you he's unlikely to have much if any access to his son again. It's not you, it wouldn't matter who he was seeing his ex would still act the same. Some women take pleasure in weaponising access to children in order to make their ex partners life difficult. Best you move on and let her succeed in destroying this relationship.

I suspect that even if she was in a new relationship the behaviour would continue as she'll enjoy it.

OP, please have a think about why you have tolerated this for 2 whole years. You are the supporting part in their show. Please, put yourself FIRST. Work on your self esteem. You deserve so much more than this.

Thanks big fat liar. I agree she does use their son to get at him.and I and it is not fair on anyone (least of all the child). As some have said my (I will make him ex) boyfriend wont set boundaries and they both seem to get a kick out of their ongoing contact and tension. I have had a wake up call and won't let it continue. And live, laugh, love you are right. I need to do a lot of work around my self esteem as I have been enabling a situation I shouldn't have. Thank you both

We had a parenting agreement. We never introduced our children to newish partners early. It was 18 months for exDH to introduce his new partner and 2 years before I introduced mine. It was also made clear to new partners they had no parenting roles in our children’s lives initially.

Our children always spent special days with the other ie birthdays/Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, Christmas was shared, one year with me Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, going to dad for Christmas lunch returning to me/dad Boxing Day. The only years this changed was when exDH’s partner had to work and we both went on to have other children. The DC adore their siblings and partners on both sides so we worked it out between us and swapped accordingly.

We always wish each other happy birthday - what a weird thing to get upset about. He was saying he really hoped she was able.to still.have a good birthday did you book tickets for something on her birthday?

It’s not about putting you first, he had a child when you met him and imo parents do need to be in touch to do the best they can for their children but he should be taking your views and feelings into account. We parted amicably and wanted to make sure that even although we were apart we still had children together and wanted to make sure they came first.

Respect is mutual, you say you feel disrespected? How can his ex respect you if the woman doesn’t know you? Also how have you seen texts? Is he showing you or are you checking his phone? I would expect my ex to text me if someone we knew was dying and vice versa, we have an amicable relationship though.

Also why were you visiting someone at 6.30am? That’s the part I really don’t understand.

As some have said my (I will make him ex) boyfriend wont set boundaries and they both seem to get a kick out of their ongoing contact and tension.

I doubt he's getting a kick out of it, more likely a bit of a kicking. He's basically faced with play the game or give up his son. He could go to court about it but things will get nastier. She's in the driving seat and having her fun.

Ah don't worry to much @Monday1976 . I'm surprised you haven't had more people telling you that you should be happy being put at the bottom of the pile due to him 'putting his child first'. Let me tell you, no matter what, you deserve to be listened to, respected and put first yourself. This man and his ex get something from their ongoing contact. You won't even enter his head, you are just there to prop him up, to benefit him occasionally. You deserve more so go get more! Good luck.

Children should absolutely be put first if this was in response to my post. No-one has said new partners should be bottom of the pile either, unfortunately, many so called adults can’t actually adult when it comes to children and new partners. As I said in my post above, respect is earned and it doesn’t appear that the OP has met the ex partner. Respect also works both ways.

Thank you so much rumbunctious. I agree with what you are saying. My own parents are divorced. I like your parenting agreement.

It was nearly a year when I met my partner's child and it has been a great success. I made it clear I didn't want to rush it when I met him. His ex wife didn't want me to meet his child at all. My partner wanted us to meet as he has joint custody and wanted me to spend some time with them both .

Unfortunately my partner and his ex's divorce was not amicable and he speaks negatively about her and she says awful things about me and I don't know why. I offered naively perhaps to meet her with an olive branch so she could see I am okay but she refuses to be anywhere near me. I don't know why.

Sorry I know my post was a bit rambling. We had an important family event which was organised months before. It was nearly 2 hours away and we stayed over. She said we had to return their child by 9am the next day. I know my partner should have challenged this and it is not just his ex's fault.

The birthday text confused me as I he speaks so negatively about her and she says such bad things about me. It just made me worried if more is going on as it didn't make sense.

Thanks for your perspective though

Sorry @Rumbunctious I hadn't seen your post. Children do not need to be put first 100% of the time. I put myself and my OH's wants and needs before my children's sometimes. It's healthy and good for children to see.
OP's boyfriends children will not benefit in any way, shape or form from their parents dynamic. They appear to be concentrating on their relationship more than their kids. So the kids don't have any examples of healthy relationships.

I do agree with you generally but I am concentrating on OP's problem so didn't want to do the blanket children must always come first thing. The OP's needs are just as valid as her boyfriends, his exes and their kids. She needs to step away from this relationship.

@Monday1976 It all sounds very toxic between them from your most recent update tbh. We had a parenting agreement as both wanted something in writing - it made things clearer for both of us at the time I suppose. It does sound like there’s a power play on the ex’s part which is a shame as that must be stressful for you.

Have you spoken to to your partner about everything? I mean have a really direct conversation with him?

I’m a step parent and my children have step parents, I’d much rather get along with everyone than have drama and strife tbh but I know not all parents welcome step parents into their children’s lives.

Thanks Live, Laugh, Cry a lot and Rumbunctious.
I have been a bit embarrassed to talk about things Live, Laugh, maybe because I knew it would sound bad, so I kept burying my head in the sand. I agree that children should be put first most of the time, but sometimes, the adults need to put their needs first too, so they can build up their emotional reserve. I do not think my needs have ever come first in this relationship and I always try and appease my ex, his child and my ex's partner. I have become a bit of a doormat and feel a bit used. Thank you for saying I need to focus on me more. I have been wondering lately why I don't put myself first enough. It is definitely low self esteem.

I meant to say Rumbunctious, no, I wasn't snooping, my partner showed me the text. And with regards to booking an event on his exes birthday, then 100 percent no. I bought a voucher for something their son wanted to do a while ago and it runs out at the end of March. I phoned my partner and his son and asked when I should book it for. They both said today. The birthday was yesterday. I booked if for this afternoon as my boyfriend gets his son in the morning. His ex tried to change it last night but the place it was for, said we needed to give 24 hours notice. I didn't think it was a big deal, but was made to feel like I had ruined her birthday and that it also upset my boyfriend.

You have got this @Monday1976 ! Think of it as the start of a new chapter for you. Build yourself up, do things that make you happy and good things will come your way.
How exciting is that?!

Thanks live, laugh, cry a lot. You are 100 percent right. Thanks for the lovely pep talk. It is really appreciated. And Rumbunctious, sorry I just saw your last post. Yes...thank you. I have told him, but I think there is too much unresolved stuff for them to work through. A parenting agreement sounds absolutely right. I stupidly thought I would get on well with her but she just seems to hate me and I haven't even met her. I need to let them sort this out and step away and focus on me. Thanks for your suggestions though.

Please just leave now.

Honestly you lost me at “wouldn’t let me see their son for a year”

None of your bloody business when a child’s parents thinks it’s appropriate to meet a new partner. What’s the better option, meet after a few months just for the child to bond with you and it go sour?

You are not a priority, his child is, and a good relationship with his mother is important

There are x million people in the world, half of them are men - go choose another man, one without a child.

Your boyfriend is the problem not the ex wife, not any other women.

Waste of your time and energy

Indeed, if he wants to see his son he should know that his role is to do as he's told and to jump to her call. He shouldn't be dating and trying to move on, that however is no doubt her perogative.

'My boyfriend never sticks up for me'

This is the main one.

Also 'she is toxic and controlling' he is probably trying to keep the peace . I would set boundaries and ask to not see her messages or anything else that she says about you.

Yes but you don't want to invest three years in a man then find out you and the kids won't get on so have to break up. And there is a diffeence between meeting like come to a family party or go to the zoo vs move in or sleep over every night and usual being there at contact time

He's probs putting his son first.

They have a child together and he's wisely keeping things civil! You sound jealous of the DC tbh which is not healthy at all

I read a third of your post. But quite quickly thought he’s a prick and cut him loose. It all sounds like too much hard work

It's hard without knowing more tbh. A lot of exes seem to be controlling (both sexes) and sometimes need to be stood up to, but sometimes it's better keeping things civil for the child's sake and not rising to petty stuff. Like, he probs won't want to jeapardise seeing his kids over arguing about a few bitchy comments she' made.

OP, you sound lovely. The way you include your partner’s son is lovely too. But I agree that your boyfriend is very unhealthily enmeshed with his ex. Yes, it could be because he doesn’t want to rock the boat with her, but the impact on you is still unbearable.

I think your instincts to end it are right.