Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH jealous of affection I show our kids…

29 replies

Purpleskiesabove · 17/03/2024 13:21

Naturally I don’t seem to be the most affectionate person when it comes to showing my DP physical affection and this is something he has been finding difficult for a while. DP is a lot more physically/sexually affectionate than me. I’m less physically affectionate, but show affection in actions and words etc. I used to be physically affectionate at the beginning of our 10+ year relationship, but due to things/mistakes he had made in the early years, I feel this has subsequently subconsciously affected how open I am with my physical affection towards him. We clearly now have an incompatibility with how we both show/receive affection.

At present, DP has an issue with the love and affection that I show to our multiple DC. He says that if I can show them love and affection, then I should be able to show him love and affection. It really bothers him and he seems to be ?jealous that I treat my children in the natural way that a mother would.

AIBU to think it’s quite weird that DP has a problem with this? It’s brought up regularly at the moment and he’s pinpointing me as having a problem/in the wrong. I’ve always thought that DP is quite low in emotional intelligence and to me, I feel that he can’t differentiate that the love/affection that a mother gives her children is different to the love/affection that is given to a romantic/sexual partner? AIBU and barking up the wrong tree with my line of thinking? Or does DP have a point?

OP posts:
SherlocksDeerstalker · 17/03/2024 13:25

IME affection is earnt (and even then only if the giver WANTS to) and acting like a whinging spoilt baby is the least attractive thing ever, and is unlikely to make most women want to show any sort of sexual attention. Maybe he needs to figure this out for himself. You are very much NBU, and I say that as someone who isn’t a physically affectionate person, but, I like to think very thoughtful in actions and words, which is the way I prefer to show people I care.

Hannahoo · 17/03/2024 13:27

He's pointing out that you can be affectionate, not asking you to stop being affectionate to your kids.

Giveupnow · 17/03/2024 13:29

Just wanted to say I’m exactly the same with affection re my DH. He hurt me early on and tbh I’ve backed off ever since. We technically have moved past it all but I just don’t ever think I’ll express affection that way again. Mainly because I don’t see much value in it now.

I take value in actions/ “acts of service” love language as to me that is real and true, and demonstrates tangible care and sacrifice. It’s easy for a DH to give a hug or kiss, not so much to get up with the kids to give you a lie in, or go out a minute early to defrost your car.

but back to your point, it’s very weird he is jealous of your children, yes.

Goinggoingone · 17/03/2024 13:31

I'd be interested to know what he did in the early days that has caused you to back off from him. But you are not wrong. Love for your DC is unconditional, but the love for a partner isn't, it can disappear if you are treated badly, which sounds like it might have happened here.

Maray1967 · 17/03/2024 13:33

Goinggoingone · 17/03/2024 13:31

I'd be interested to know what he did in the early days that has caused you to back off from him. But you are not wrong. Love for your DC is unconditional, but the love for a partner isn't, it can disappear if you are treated badly, which sounds like it might have happened here.

Exactly this. He’s very wrong, and if he was married to me I would be explaining this loudly and clearly.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/03/2024 13:35

I would also like to know what he did in the early days.

He is being ridiculous and possible a lot worse than that.

PostItInABook · 17/03/2024 13:37

A man displaying jealousy of a mother being affectionate towards her kids is a massive red flag.

Original poster
Purpleskiesabove · 17/03/2024 13:42

I gave him 110% in the early years of our relationship - in every way, including physical affection. I found out time and time again that he was sexually messaging other females, messaging other females asking them to meet up with him, met up with a couple of them but I don’t believe anything physically happened, exchanging numbers with girls on nights out (although I have no proof anything ever went further) and similar things.

It happened time and time again for a number of years. But for some reason I stayed. For the past 5ish years he has sorted himself out and we have moved past it. But I do feel that the damage has obviously been done subconsciously and I’m naturally a lot more reserved in the affection I give/show him. Not out of fear that history will repeat itself, but I suppose because my respect for him has diminished?

OP posts:
maslinpan · 17/03/2024 13:45

Your update is very revealing. Of course you have felt more distant and mistrustful of him, he has no right to think that his sleazy behaviour will just be forgotten by you...

user1492757084 · 17/03/2024 13:50

I can't see where he is asking you to cease being affectionate to the children.
I see him as asking for some love and affection to come his way as well.
You don't have to read his mind or guess. He is telling you what he needs.

He is not unreasonable, just honest.
Why don't you wish to give him more physical affection?

Do you need to be honest too?
Should you be with him?

IncompleteSenten · 17/03/2024 13:51

Well I'd be pointing that fucker out to him for a start!

Bobbotgegrinch · 17/03/2024 15:36

DP is like this, has always struggled with affection. Her family have always joked that a hug from her was such a rare event that someone must be dying. She was always the same with me, unless it was sexual there were no hugs, little touches etc.

It was therefore somewhat of a shock when DD came along and hugs etc came so easily to her. I won't lie that it wasn't a bit hard. It's not jealousy, I didn't want that affection instead of my daughter, but more of a question of "So if that comes so easily to her, why doesn't it with me?"

In your case though the answer to that is obvious. It's because your husband is a shit bag and has taught you that you can't trust him. Why would you want to be affectionate with him? The only real question is why you'd have a kid with him?

Patrickiscrazy · 17/03/2024 15:38

user1492757084 · 17/03/2024 13:50

I can't see where he is asking you to cease being affectionate to the children.
I see him as asking for some love and affection to come his way as well.
You don't have to read his mind or guess. He is telling you what he needs.

He is not unreasonable, just honest.
Why don't you wish to give him more physical affection?

Do you need to be honest too?
Should you be with him?

Edited

Yep.
He's been pushed aside and if he says anything or does anything, he's the b*stard.
Brilliant.

Fortitudinal · 17/03/2024 15:40

Your H is a betraying and immoral sleaze, and no wonder you don’t feel readily affectionate.

The fact that he is criticising your natural maternal affection for your DC in this context, rather than owning the damage his selfishness and sexual incontinence has done to you, is fucking gross.

Fortitudinal · 17/03/2024 15:41

I think some pps haven’t read your update OP.

If they have then they are MRAs who can be discounted immediately.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2024 15:41

Why are you even still with this scumbag? Honestly, what's the point? You're living in a self-imposed prison.

KalaMush · 17/03/2024 15:42

OP, have you told him the reasons for the change? I do think I would be upset if my DH used to be affectionate to me and isn't any more.

PoochiesPinkEars · 17/03/2024 15:43

He's choosing the wrong comparison (obvs.)
But he's basically saying his needs aren't being met in the relationship.

I'd tell him you hear what's he's saying and if he'd like to try to sort it out he'd best come to counselling with you where you can both examine root causes and mutually satisfactory solutions.

If he can't/won't try to get to the bottom of it with you, then he'll have to accept things won't change and eventually one of you may get fed up enough to call it a day.

Tatas · 17/03/2024 15:45

I think if you're willing to stay in the relationship and have DC with this man - you really shouldn't be harking back to the past as an excuse for not showing affection - if it's impacting you that much, then you shouldn't have stayed!

Can totally understand it would be tough to see someone show affection readily and easily to others, but then not to you, their partner. It doesn't excuse his behaviour at the start of the relationship, but if you've stayed with him and worked past that I think it's wrong to link your lack of affection to something you've moved past? I don't think it's wrong for him to flag up that he's not happy with the relationship in the way he's said it, it seems like something most people would probably feel the same about.

If your respect for him has diminished to the point you can't freely give love and affection 5+ years down the line, I'd be honest with him and tell him it's not going to change because you're not over it.

skyeisthelimit · 17/03/2024 15:48

He's not wrong to want affection. You may have your reasons, but if you can't be affectionate towards him then why stay with him? Of course what he did was wrong, but you chose to stay with him.

It is wrong to keep punishing him for something, you need to either deal with it and move past it, or break up. It is toxic for both of you to remain together if you can't move past it.

Do you think that counselling would help ?

MollyButton · 17/03/2024 15:53

The problem is you do not trust him - nor should you. He betrayed you whether or not it went further.
You may have consciously decided to forgive and trust but fundamentally he would have to do a lot to rebuild your trust (and you might never be able to trust him in the same way).
Him sulking because you don't show him enough "affection" sounds like he isn't doing that work.
I would suggest you get some counselling (on your own) to work though how you feel.

Shmitz · 17/03/2024 16:00

PostItInABook · 17/03/2024 13:37

A man displaying jealousy of a mother being affectionate towards her kids is a massive red flag.

I second this.

DaftyLass · 17/03/2024 16:07

It sounds like you husband was a prick for a long time, killing your love for him.
The kids, their affection, and such, is just shining a light on how broken you and DH are.
I wouldn't want to stay with someone who didn't hold my heart carefully.

hellsBells246 · 17/03/2024 16:24

MollyButton · 17/03/2024 15:53

The problem is you do not trust him - nor should you. He betrayed you whether or not it went further.
You may have consciously decided to forgive and trust but fundamentally he would have to do a lot to rebuild your trust (and you might never be able to trust him in the same way).
Him sulking because you don't show him enough "affection" sounds like he isn't doing that work.
I would suggest you get some counselling (on your own) to work though how you feel.

This.

Why did you stay with him?

Will you ever feel differently about him? Will you ever trust him?

And are you happy to live like this for the rest of your life? If so, why?

Cherrysoup · 17/03/2024 17:30

Why on earth did you stay with him? Repeatedly messaged other women?