How much support with personal care would you expect a 10 year old to need?

[DarcyHargrove]

Do you still:

Clip nails
Help with showers
Supervise teeth brushing
Remind to wear deodorant
Can they wipe themselves properly (no stained underwear)

Would you still expect to do these things for a 10 year old with no learning difficulties.

I can't remember about nails, they didn't need deodorant and I had to remind them about showers but they didn't need help. But I do remember that seemingly overnight they both (DS and DD) went from refusing to brush hair and have a shower to having 2 showers a day and having a collection of hairbrushes (DD) and hair products (DS).

So I wouldn't worry too much, she'll get there, just keep reminding her for now.

My child is capable, but still resistant to something like a shower, it interrupts whatever she's doing. She's very independent but is still learning. I do think washing and detangling long hair is harder than shorter hair. She will occasionally forget deodorant or needs reminding to brush her teeth. I think once at secondary school I won't be able to keep her out of the shower.

I think a lot of parents are nose-blind to when their kids need to start with deodrant and don't notice until it gets really bad. As someone who spends all day in a room with 10 and 11 year olds, trust me: a lot of them need to be wearing deodrant and changing clothes more regularly. We often need to have our windows fully open, not because of the classroom being too warm but because of the smell if we don't.

My daughter with learning difficulties could do all these aged 10 apart from the nail clipping and she didn’t need deodorant so that didn’t apply. The daughter without learning difficulties could do all these aged 10 although needed reminding about deodorant.

10 yo DD here

Clip nails - yes I do
Help with showers -nope
Supervise teeth brushing - no, but I do always do the "have you brushed your teeth/go and brush your teeth"
Remind to wear deodorant - no, she doesn't wear it. But does use impulse type body spray. That's up to her and I don't remind/ask/enforce
Can they wipe themselves properly (no stained underwear) - 99% of time fine, occasionally I can tell if her knickers have been worn. If that makes sense

My adhd 10 year old refuses to do everything on your list bar wipe his own bum. Self-care very very low on his priorities/skills. I have to do an awful lot of forcing.

Clipping nails...maybe, maybe not. Either wouldn't surprise me.

Help with showering...I would have had to help my dc to make sure the shower is the right temperature but that's a reflection on my shower not my dc! I might have to check shampoo is properly rinsed out of their hair.

Teeth brushing...not really but I would occasionally remind you brush properly.

Deodorant...yes might have to remind because it's usually a recent addition to their routine at that age .

No help with toileting except in extreme situations like illness.

They should be able to do all of that stuff independently. They might be reluctant to do it, but they are well able.

Just nails but it would be unusual for a ten year old to need deodorant.

My 10yo does all of this themselves without reminders. Often overcuts nails though. No deo yet though but I feel confident they can manage when it does get needed. They also are responsible for putting all their clothes away. They do get reminders for PE kit and instruments but do often remember themselves. DC is nearly 11 though and I think a lot of this has only come since being 10.

I wouldnt want a 10yo to have 'pride in her appearance', to me that's seems like a bizarre turn of phrase for a child.

Your tone makes it sound like you hate your DD.

She will be picking up on that.

DD 9.5 needs me to wash and brush her hair
DD and DS11 need me to remind them to wear deodorant

Both need forcing into the shower and reminding to change underwear daily and brush teeth

They are grotty little buggers

Youngest DD just turned 9, I supervise her baths and showers if hair washing ("body" washing only she manages herself), i still clip her nails, toothbrushing and handwashing she can do herself but we do check that she's remembered to do her teeth. Wiping she can do herself. Older DD is nearly 13 and does everything herself, I don't even have to remind her to shower or brush teeth.
So yes I would expect by 10 they can do most of it themselves with reminders

At 10 we didn't use deodorant.
I'd occasionally prompt nail clipping, but not supervise.

We're now 12, and I've had to get pretty tough about deodorant on days he has PE. He doesn't wear it on other days - but also doesn't smell.

I have to remind my teen boys to do thatn. They are total dirt birds and shower dodgers

Only nails

I wouldn’t worry about it though, kids develop at different ages.

I would however work with her to develop routines which is the best way to make it a habit.

I would get her those damp loo roll wipes and tell her bluntly that she doesn’t want to smell of poo. Same for deodorant and sweat. Get her to pick a shower gel and shampoo she likes the smell of and (if you can afford it) get her a towelling dressing down and towels she picks out.

Find a fixed time for a daily shower. Daily is easier than every other day if you’re trying to build a habit I think.

My DD could do all of those but I think it's worth knowing that many additional needs go undiagnosed well into the teenage years if they get diagnosed at all and excelling in some areas doesn't mean they don't have weaknesses in others.

lots of supervising and nagging reminding at this age, but mine all were able to do those tasks at that age.

All those things and long before 10!!

Get a grip ffs.

Of course she should have pride in her appearance. She should be embarrassed about wanting to go to school looking like a small homeless person.

Does she have issues in other areas? Personal hygiene can be difficult for some people with Asd.

Dd10 - I help with cutting toenails and will wash her hair occasionally, she has waist length curls and how well she washes the shampoo and conditioner out varies. I also plait her hair for school as it's not very neat when she does it. She's otherwise very independent. Ds is autistic and dyspraxic and has been showering independently since he was about 6 or 7 but needed help with cutting nails until he was 15.

I would still be enforcing the showers but not assisting in anyway.
She would do all the other things herself without being reminded.
I might still keep an eye on her nails and check for clean shirts and deodorant when needed.
She does have pride in her appearance, always has I guess.

It's a special kind of middle class privilege that says "Nobody can bother me or my child if they don't look cared for, washed, hair brushed and clean". The children who go to school with unbrushed hair are all either from middle class hippy families, extremely badly off and definitely neglected, or neurodivergent and their parents are in constant fear of being pulled up for it.

Anyone who is an immigrant, working class, or non-White knows they need to take extra care of their child's appearance.

My DS (who has SEN) managed to initiate child protection proceedings due to an unexplained headbump. As part of this my DD's school criticised her appearance (including her hairstyle - she has that bush-backwards look from 9.05 am onwards - and the fact she wears hand-me-downs). Those of us who have any inkling of involvement with social services are only one trip and fall away from being called neglectful. Luckily for us social services agreed that DD is well kept in a slightly "running around the playground madly" way.

coming at this as a parent of two kids with SEN.

One is dyspraxic/autistic/adhd. he is 17, i still have to help him with a lot of stuff, its mostly prompting now as he forgets to do things, but i have to provide a lot of accommodations for him to do things. I still clip his nails. he has adaptive clothing, soap bottles are all push dispensers.. i have to provide towels, help him dry/dress unless there is time for him to sit and 'air dry'

DD is 15 and has adhd.
She is capable of all that, but will not do ANY of it (bar the wiping) without prompting. HOWEVER, at 10 she wasn't, its probably only been the last 12 months she's 'got' it physically.

edited to add: DD's issue is she doesn't care about her appearance, and has told me quite bluntly that what other people think of her doesn't bother her one tiny bit.