Mum thinks my DC has behavioural problems

[wowihaveagardennow]

Hello,

I'm starting to feel a bit worried. My mum (who is a nursery teacher) suspects my 11 month old DC might have a behavioural problem.

She has been scratching me/DH/anyone, completely unprovoked for about 3 weeks now. When I say "no, that hurts" or "ouch, don't do that, that hurts mummy" etc she looks at me and then will do it again, and again and again. It also looks like she enjoys doing it. I initially tried not reacting to it but then researched a bit online and it says to be firm and say no. Poor DH has tiny scabs all over his arm from where DC has been scratching him.

My mum said babies don't do that. When you say no, and are firm, they don't like to repeat what they've done. And she has wondered why my DC is like that and whether it's a behavioural problem.

Is SHE being unreasonable? I am quite anxious about it now. I had read it was a developmental thing but my mum says it's unusual for DC not to care that I've said no in a firm way. (I am also feeling so sad that I have to be so stern with such a little baby)

Edit: just for all the details, I made a thread in parenting about it but feeling the pressure from my mum now. Think I might made a HV appointment next week
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5027303-11-month-old-keeps-hitting-and-scratching?reply=133719058

At 11 months it could be either completely normal or a sign of something. I think it's too young to tell.

Fwiw, my ds2 was a lot like this. I think he chipped my eye socket by reverse headbutting me at that age. And he had a great line in hitting, scratching and biting for a couple of months.

He was an incredibly unhappy and frustrated baby though, one I think you'd describe as a high needs baby. He grew out of it all. My first dc didn't do this either.

He is now almost 12 and NT and the gentlest soul.

If you're at all worried, you see you hv or gp.

Also to add, she is generally a very happy and content baby. She isn't a fan of strangers and will take time to warm up to new people. But otherwise she loves playing with us, her grandparents ie. everyone she's familiar with. She likes story books and music. So far all ordinary I think.. but she is also obsessed with our slippers and TV remote controls.

Just to update on what her behaviour is generally like.

Thank you.. just to ask, how long was it until he grew out of it?

I can't say if your kid has behavioural problems or not but in my experience most kids go through a phase of either biting, scratching, nipping or hair pulling and it takes a while for them to understand what the firm no means - realistically it's probably the first time you've had to try and change or stop one of their behaviours.

Easier said than done, but I'd just keep on with a calm but firm no followed by a re-direct/distraction for now and just keep an eye on it for a little longer.

I think at that age distraction works better than a stern no. I used to whip my toddlers away from things with a “I don’t think so” said quite lightly, and then give them something else to occupy their minds.

That worked better than being stern.

Somebody needs to tell.my three kids that they should have listened when I told them 'no' as a baby! They don't have behavioural problems by the way!

My mum says that about my LO..she is almost 12 months now.

She does that, but she can't quite crawl yet even though she is very interested in getting about so i feel (health visitor agrees) that it is frustration. Do you think your LO could be frustrated? Trying to do something but not quite there yet? Like talk/communicate or get somewhere?

Oh god my daughter was awful for this as a toddler. When she got frustrated she’d get violet. Hitting and scratching. We’d always just put her down somewhere safe, let her now it hurt and wasn’t ok, and as a PP said try and distract.

it was really difficult. But she grew out of it. She’s 12 now and the most delightful young person. She’s great company, bright, interesting, and socially adept as you can be at that age.

i used to find she would get worse with this before a big developmental leap. So I’d have a few weeks of horror, then she’d have a massive new vocabulary or a new physical skill.

i think your mum is getting ahead of herself if she’s an otherwise typical child developing as expected. But if you do have other concerns, or are just insecure, you are obviously doing the right thing speaking to your HV.

She's 11 months, its a ridiculous thing to say about an 11 month old. She may well like the sensation or the extra attention, she's not doing it to hurt you or misbehave and can't really understand when you say it hurts. Redirect, distract, step back and hand her a toy. If she does it when carried put her in a pram. If doesn't mean anything either way at this age.

Maybe your DD likes the reaction she gets from doing it.
My DS used to bite. You could tell he enjoyed it. We used to think he liked the squishy feeling between his teeth 🤷🏼‍♀️. It went on until he was a toddler and we’d rush to stop him when he got a certain look in his eyes. Nothing we did or said stopped him. He just gradually stopped doing it.
He’s 16 now and does remember doing it.
No behavioural problems at all

Overblown reactions of any sort definitely encourage repeat behaviour. Cut her nails v short (daily if necessary) so scratching doesn't hurt, expect she is going to scratch and physically stop her from doing so where possible, whilst keeping your reactions light and business-like, moving on quickly. Hopefully it will pass.

Your DM sounds OTT.

My DS used to bite around this age. It lasted a couple of months, and then we moved onto the next phase, and then the next...

It can be a frustration thing before they can verbalise, but it could also be understanding cause and effect and specifically that she can do something which causes a reaction. You saying "ow" or "no" firmly for the first time in her life must be very new and exciting! 'Can I make you do that funny sound again, Mummy? Will you even stop talking to your friend and look at me if I do it? Yes- wow!'

You're better off putting her down and pretending to ignore her (putting her in a play pen- do such things still exist?) after she does it so she starts to associate the action with her getting less attention, not more.

I don’t think at 11 months they really understand the stern reaction, she probably thinks it’s a game. And she definitely won’t understand that it hurts. I think quickly stopping her without much of a reaction and then a distraction is best.

They do random things repeatedly at that age, it’s just unlucky that the one she does isn’t a very nice one.

She’s too little to understand that she’s hurting people or to “enjoy it”. I wouldn’t worry. She just likes getting a reaction out of people.

p.s. can you find her something else to scratch, like corrugated paper and some things with different textures. So when she starts scratching you can redirect her to that and experiment together with the different textures.
She might not be interested but it’s worth a try. And starts to give her the idea that she can scratch other things but not people.

Cut her nails very short. She will still do it but it won't hurt as much.

Very very common behaviour.

I disagree with your Mum, at that age a lot of babies push the boundaries and then continue to push them, even if you've said no. This has been my experience and the experience of my friends. Completely developmentally normal. Especially when that no comes from Mum and/or Dad - they feel safe and comfortable to test and explore the boundaries at home. In a nursery setting, they will be more likely to listen to a no - I don't think your Mum is taking that into consideration.

Your mum is being unreasonable and it is a shame that she is planting that seed of doubt, I am sure you have enough on your plate without people questioning your child's (very normal) development. I would speak to her about it and ask her to keep these thoughts to herself. Please don't worry, although I know that is easier said than done 💐.

I read that when they do something and get a bad reaction, they will repeat it if they don't understand why you reacted that way, to try to figure out what happened. Another tip I found helpful was to try to tell them what to do, rather than what not to do eg 'gentle hands',not a sharp telling off. Your DC sounds normal to me!

This is just a developmental phase for many kids.

Your mum sounds unhelpful tbh.

All my dc did this and grew out of it, When I had this situation with my first hv said dc was exploring surroundings and liked the attention. It was normal and would grow out of it. I kept nails short and used cotton mittens, not that they always kept them on though😄

Your mum is having a laugh surely?! She thinks once a baby hears no once that they will never do it again. Wow

good luck to her when your child is 3 and is testing the boundaries to her limits of patience

At that age my dd2 was not at all bothered by a stern no, we just couldn't seem to get through to her, like yours what ever she was doing she'd just continue to do it. Now she's 3 she hates you being stern, she's not got any behavioural problems either. I think at 11 months they won't understand being told off. Use distraction is better. A lot of children have phases of hitting/biting etc

When you say ‘ouch that hurts’, does the tone of your voice and your facial expression convey disapproval? If conveyed with tone, body language and facial expression of praise, then your pre-verbal child will interpret this as praise and a way of obtaining attention and affection.

I disagree. 11 months old is old enough to understand ‘no’. My son is the same age and if I say ‘no’ he will stop whatever he’s doing and look at me (although he may try again or throw a bit of a tantrum at being stopped!). If you look at baby milestones knowing ‘no’ is quite usual at this age and expected.

Very common behaviour for 11 months, and nothing to do with behavioural problems! She has no idea of what she is doing, and she probably is associating scratching with getting attention, like a game. She has no concept of hurting others or empathy at this age (not until around 3/4 years), so even the word ‘ow’ may not register as anything other than fun.

It is just a phase, and just requires short nails and lots of positive attention for doing other, less painful, interactions. A firm ‘no’ if she does, with less attention might help too.

She sounds lovely, just having a little fun, and getting mummy to say ‘ow’.