Mum thinks my DC has behavioural problems

[wowihaveagardennow]

Hello,

I'm starting to feel a bit worried. My mum (who is a nursery teacher) suspects my 11 month old DC might have a behavioural problem.

She has been scratching me/DH/anyone, completely unprovoked for about 3 weeks now. When I say "no, that hurts" or "ouch, don't do that, that hurts mummy" etc she looks at me and then will do it again, and again and again. It also looks like she enjoys doing it. I initially tried not reacting to it but then researched a bit online and it says to be firm and say no. Poor DH has tiny scabs all over his arm from where DC has been scratching him.

My mum said babies don't do that. When you say no, and are firm, they don't like to repeat what they've done. And she has wondered why my DC is like that and whether it's a behavioural problem.

Is SHE being unreasonable? I am quite anxious about it now. I had read it was a developmental thing but my mum says it's unusual for DC not to care that I've said no in a firm way. (I am also feeling so sad that I have to be so stern with such a little baby)

Edit: just for all the details, I made a thread in parenting about it but feeling the pressure from my mum now. Think I might made a HV appointment next week
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5027303-11-month-old-keeps-hitting-and-scratching?reply=133719058

At 11 months she is too young to understand what she is doing is wrong, so I disagree with your mum that this is a behavioural problem.

In terms of reacting to it, as well as saying No I would put her down every time she does it.

My DS2 went through a hitting phase when he was a few months older than your DD, now he's 14yo and is a kind and gentle boy.

Agree with those who say put her down when she does it and walk away. At 11 months the reaction they get reinforces the action, even if an older child would perceive your disapproval as negative. It's all attention and attention is good, at her age.

Withdrawal of attention is more effective. Put her down, no eye contact, get on with a minor task and generally withdraw for a couple of minutes. Then return and continue as if nothing had happened. .

I also agree with this. Your baby doesn’t understand the effect she is having on others.

Sorry but it's kind of hilarious that your mum thinks your baby should be listening to you. Ds went through a biting stage, it's perfectly normal. I did obviously say "no" but I also put him down and moved away slightly so he couldn't do it again. He grew out of it pretty quickly and is a perfectly normal 6 year old now, no behavioural problems

Thank you all so much for your replies. That's very reassuring.

WRT my mum, she's been the typical irritating mum that says "oh it's so easy for you, your DH helps out so much, AND you're going to be putting her in nursery. I don't know why your so tired. When you were a year old, I was throwing dinner parties every night, and I never had any help from your father. I don't know why you're so tired. Maybe it's because you're so overweight? Do you think that could be it?"

That's a really interesting point. I'll keep an eye out on whether she might be frustrated about something next time. I've noticed she can do it to strangers (strangers for her I mean, they might be a friend or relative of mine) too when they try to say hello. So maybe she's just feeling a bit shy or nervous about a new person there and doesn't know how to communicate

No it doesn’t mean anything and your mum in your ear is not helping.
Is the scratching etc at random times or can you spot a trigger? It can sometimes be when you’re giving your attention elsewhere, which of course you have to do, but if you can take a step back and observe any patterns you have more chance of being able to pre-empt and reduce the behaviours. Also it is a highly sensory behaviour- they might enjoy the feeling of it and the big reaction!

She shouldn't have nails long enough to cause scabs after scratching someone. Bite her nails yourself as short as possible.

Your mum sounds nasty. This isn't "typical" for the mums I know

That’s not typical at all… has your mum always tried to make you feel bad about yourself?

Yes. I think that's just her style of speaking. She speaks like that to my dad too. It is not nice and takes patience.

I'm don't know. My first child used to slap his dad a lot. He was verbal so just turned 2 I think. He slap dh and say ' oh sorry, sorry' rub his face then slap him again. He only did it once to me.

He is 20 now. Possibly not NT but never diagnosed. I think on its own its normal. Little shits 🤣

One of my dgc was vile when they were teething. Biting, hitting, scratching, throwing, you name it they did it. I also began to think there might be something amiss.
They are now the kindest, most thoughtful teen going, academically bright.
Could it be to do with teething?

Another technique (I'm a retired special school teacher trained in behaviour management):

Say"no" but in a calm and impassive way, remove their hand from your body and keep it there, and turn your head away. Again, it withdraws attention, but also gives a physical confirmation that you are not accepting the scratching.

You do not want to your response to be in any way 'entertaining' to your 11 month old (who also sees a shout or a yelp of pain as entertaining). An impassive verbal response, a physical cue, and a withdrawal of attention and eye contact,used simultaneously is very effective in toddlers and older children who are at that developmental level and hurting people.

ETA that if your child sees "no" as entertaining, try the word "finished" which is what we do in special ed. It's a less emotive and confronting word that sends a clear instruction. "Scratching is finished"

Please ignore your mother, sounds like she's trying to wind you up!!

Really normal thing for babies to do, and keep on doing. She'll grow out of it.

Thank you so much. Will implement this.

Happy to help @wowihaveagardennow . I don't think the behaviour is any indication of a real problem, but very many of the children I taught hurt us, and didn't 'get' how we felt when they did. So it's a well practised response. And it's absolutely fine to hold his hand away from you to prevent him doing it again while you withdraw attention.

Parents often think that their verbal instruction should be enough, but it isn't, even for older young children. I find it frustrating to watch parents standing still, telling their children to 'come here' or 'don't touch' over and over again while their kids (only a few feet away) ignore them. I want to shout 'just go to them and physically get them/stop them'. Children need your physical response to confirm what you're asking, and to know that you mean it.

Good luck!

.... also feel free to chat to someone else quite normally while you're looking away. Anything that demonstrates that you're calm, life's going on, and he doesn't have your attention.

Same with tantrums. I had a tantrumer, and at school I'd have children lying on the floor having meltdowns. Rather than add pressure and fuel the meltdown by talking to them, we'd just stand next to them and carry on calmly, talking to other team members or children: "What's for snack today, (TA)? Do you think you could cut up some of those apples?" etc etc, until the child came round and was able to be managed positively.
With my little DD I'd leave her to tantrum on the floor and do jobs nearby, sometimes singing, or just talking to myself/asking her questions as if she wasn't tantruming. Then when she'd tired herself out I could give her a hug (which would have stressed her even more, earlier)

If toddlers didn’t repeat things that they’re told not to parenting would be much easier for everyone! This is normal behaviour in my experience. Your mum is probably used to babies being a bit better behaved in a nursery as they save their worst behaviour for the parents.

With a mother like that no wonder you have anxiety! She either knows nothing about child development (concerning given her job) or she is deliberately trying to hurt and undermine you - just like she is with her comments about weight and tiredness. I would limit time spent with her, and not share anything about yourself or band my - it sounds like it will just give her more ammunition.

This is excellent. I was also taught 'STOP' at S&LT

Yes, "stop" with the palm out sign and eye contact, then removal and hold of his hand, then turning away, should also be effective.

Consistency is key of course, so ideally you need everyone he pinches to be using the same technique, once you've tried it for yourself.

Instead of a stern no, which is a feedback of sorts and could become part of the game, you could also turn away from her