To be angry at the comments DD is getting?

[PaperDoIIs]

DD is y7 and only 12! She has some good (female)friends with whom she sometimes holds hands or links arms with. She's told me she had comments from random (adult)people before, not nasty but definitely implying a relationship with the other girl rather than just friendship. She also mentioned she's getting comments and questions at school about being a "lez".

One of the girls won't do it anymore as she is too embarrassed. DD finds it upsetting, but not enough to stop.

Any suggestions with how to support her through this would be greatly appreciated. We had the chats about people minding their own business, she's not doing anything wrong, they're weird for caring or drawing conclusions, even if she was it's nothing to be ashamed of and no one's business etc.

AIBU to be angry that a nice,sweet friendship between pre teens ffs is viewed through a reductive and ultimately sexualised lens? They're just holding hands or linking arms!

Why on earth would an adult say that to a young girl, I see loads of girls walking along with arms linked, don't think anything of it.

You're not being unreasonable. Unfortunately some people believe they're entitled to make inappropriate comments about other people, it feels like it happens more often too when those people are female but perhaps that's my biased perception. It sucks it's happened to your DD when she's so young. I remember some pervy old man in the post office commenting on my childbearing hips when I was all of 13. It's sick.

Just remind her that some people are narrow minded or perhaps have a very dull life of their own so feel the need to comment on others. She just needs to ignore them.

I can believe it of some very silly kids/teens but who are the adults saying this?

I would likely assume 2 high school age girls holding hands were in a relationship tbh. You don't say the comments from adults were negative - just making an assumption which I think is fair enough?

The "lez" comments are obviously not on though and the school should be addressing this.

Just random strangers in the high street. One comment was "well done girls,I support you" and the other was "you make a very cute couple". That's when it was just two of them rather than in a three as they usually are. Like I said not nasty , but there's no need is there?

I have informed the school about the comments and they're on it , but they can't really stop them can they? Plus DD is worried about backlash and having some kind of (mostly)good relationship with her form so I'm threading lightly.

Can I ask why? They are 12 yos and look as such, in fact one is really tiny and looks more like a primary kid.

Because a lot of Year 7s are experimenting with relationships? I would assume two Y7s holding hands might well be "more than friends" irrespective of sex (although I wouldn't be that surprised if I was told they were just friends). Most of the children I know who are that age or older would generally not have held hands with a platonic friend by secondary age.

Wouldn't you assume a girl and boy that age holding hands were "girlfriend and boyfriend"?

I have always found it sweet that women of all ages link arms, on the Continent more but here in the UK too, when they are out and about. So many times I have seen mothers and daughters or close friends on a main street or in a market with elbows entwined. I love that your daughter is carrying on the tradition. Maybe mention this to her.

Some of the comments seem to be meant kindly: 'I support you' is just that. So give your daughter some confidence and skills - explain that many people might just be trying to be positive. And explain that if people over assume and are still kind that is positive step for all women and people.

God help them if they go to the continent!

Could it be her way of telling you that she might be gay?

DN started making these sorts of comments, almost testing the water about how her parents might feel about it, before coming out to them.

If not then I am not sure what she can do - she can't stop random adults commenting can she (although I think it's odd that they are)? She can ignore them or stop behaving in a way that attracts the unwanted comments I guess.

Good point there. I'm not British and when my mum visits and we go out , we often link arms or hold hands, so DD grew up around it and doing it with us.

No issue if she is, and she knows that , but her crushes so far including the current one have been male.
Ironically, she has never held hands with a boy.

I personally at school would tell two girls to not hold hands walking down the corridor, because it was unprofessional.

I really don’t think it’s a big deal - so she doesn’t hold hands?

obviously the homophobia is no good and should be reported, but why is she holding hands in school? Just don’t do it! We have a no physical contact rule because.

Some of these replies are startling. I generally avoid "better in my day" type comments, particularly as "my day" was the Neolithic. But, if PPs are anything to go by, things are worse in this respect. My friends and I linked arms all the time, and sometimes held hands. We never stopped doing it, except when we were adults with children and/or shopping requiring hands.

I don't believe those PPs are representative of British society in 2024. Or if they are, they need changing back! It's fine, normal and natural. There will always be some wanker wanting to impose sexual thoughts on schoolgirls, but those aren't worth wasting even one brain cell.

But "in your day", gay people would not have held hands as often BECAUSE of the comments they would get. So you'd just assume most pairs of women holding hands would be friends, not lovers. I'd probably assume the opposite nowadays.

No-one is imposing "sexual thoughts" - it is very very common for Year 7s to have "girlfriends" or "boyfriends" which usually doesn't involve much more than holding hands. And yes, holding hands can be platonic but often it's not. I don't think it's that strange that a few people have assumed they are "girlfriends" as they are holding hands.

Tell her the problem is some people have such boring and empty lives they need to amuse themselves by interfering in others.

That she isn't doing anything wrong - she's just interesting and therefore attracts attention of boring people.

I was raised and have raised my ds to feel sorry for gossips and people commenting because it shows a distinct lack of interesting things in their own lives.

It's liberating

People should not be making comments on other people's choice to hold hands/link arms/be in a relationship full stop. It's just rude, same as passing comment on someone's appearance is!

They are just kids - thinking back to when I was a similar age and even into my teens, me and my friends would link arms. There was absolutely nothing in it, just friendly. We are all now in our 30s and married to men so it definitely wasn't sexual.
Crikey, I even see old ladies linking arms!
Tell her to ignore!

I think if I saw 2 12 year olds holding hands I'd assume a relationship too, whether males or females. I don't think many DC hold hands with friends past about 9 years old. I do occasionally see DC linking arms though. That seems less intimate to me.

There’s an all-female love triangle in my DS’s class, and all are 12.

I would personally ignore the ‘supportive’ comments, as I don’t care if a random stranger thinks I’m gay etc - but I’m also not 12 years old anymore, so appreciate it might be uncomfortable.

(I can see why it might be irritating that strangers feel entitled to comment, but think they’re possibly trying to create an inclusive environment ie if other young people are worried to be themselves in public hearing supportive comments may be helpful)

I’d encourage your daughter to recognise, as much as possible, that strangers opinions of her are irrelevant.

I would challenge any negative comments on your daughter’s behalf ie the school ‘lez’ comment, as this is unequivocally intended to be hurtful.

No-one is imposing "sexual thoughts" - it is very very common for Year 7s to have "girlfriends" or "boyfriends" which usually doesn't involve much more than holding hands.

She has a "boyfriend ". Ironically, she doesn't hold hands with him or even hang out with him that much as she's too busy running around being silly with her mates.

She's bothered because she doesn't like attention in general. She's also sad because X has stopped doing it because of the comments. Y is more confident and doesn't give a shit, in fact she's the type of kid who would do it even more just out of spite.

I would also assume 12 year olds holding hands to be in a relationship. Not linking arms though, that's normal.

Does she know to respect her friend's choice not to hold hands? That's not coming across from your posts. She shouldn't be upset that her friend doesn't want to hold her hand, she should just accept it.

Did I actually have to mention that ? When the other girl said no more, DD simply said ok and now it's not happening anymore. That was it .She can accept it and feel sad about it at the same time. There's nothing wrong with that. It actually is fucking sad that a 12 yo enjoyed doing something and felt she had to stop because of comments.

I had a (rather unusual) friend at about that age who used to like holding hands with me. It wasn’t really my sort of thing but I went along with it. It was my DDad who pointed out that people might think we were ‘more than friends’ but I didn’t want to embarrass my friend or make her feel bad so I didn’t say anything. I don’t know why adults can’t just leave their own issues at the door and let their kids crack on.