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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be up for this

66 replies

Highnone · 16/03/2024 16:35

We have some free, family based child care this afternoon.

I’ve suggested to DH we go to the local pub.

he has declined because he has an early start tomorrow (8.30am leaving the house to coach DS football)

we rarely have time together like this.

AIBU to feel pissed off that not only does he not want to spend time with me, but also to feel totally dejected when I suggested we could have a afternoon together in the pub- to be turned down.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 16/03/2024 18:25

Ooh I love a cheeky afternoon pub session on a Saturday with DH. I would feel so rejected OP. It’s not that he has to want what you want, it’s the fact that it’s quite a lame excuse and he’s offered no alternative.

If he’d said “ don’t fancy that but how about a bottle of wine on the sofa and a takeaway ?” That would be fine but its the lack of engagement with you that stings

Original poster
Highnone · 16/03/2024 18:34

I feel totally rejected. I’ve told him that - he thinks I’m unreasonable
im about to get a takeaway for everyone. Ive ordered it and off to get it myself. He is in a huff because I’m not playing along and pretending I’m fine about how he is with me.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 16/03/2024 18:40

A Good idea would be to plan a night out together, soon.

Say that you want to spend time together and you want to plan it, so you both know it is going to happen

ApolloandDaphne · 16/03/2024 18:44

There is no way I would be off to the pub with a 8.30 start the next day. That wouldn't work for me at all.

Famfirst · 16/03/2024 18:49

I'll no doubt get jumped on for this but I regularly turn my hubby down if he suggests going out. For me, time slobbing on the settee is rarer than hens teeth and I'd much rather stay in that go out. He maybe just wants a bit of quiet time. Don't read anything into it.

BloodTestsHelpPlease · 16/03/2024 18:50

Highnone · 16/03/2024 18:34

I feel totally rejected. I’ve told him that - he thinks I’m unreasonable
im about to get a takeaway for everyone. Ive ordered it and off to get it myself. He is in a huff because I’m not playing along and pretending I’m fine about how he is with me.

Good for you letting him know how you feel. Is this the first time you've stood up to him? Keep it up.

I'm sorry he's treating you badly Flowers

BloodTestsHelpPlease · 16/03/2024 18:50

ApolloandDaphne · 16/03/2024 18:44

There is no way I would be off to the pub with a 8.30 start the next day. That wouldn't work for me at all.

For a couple of hours in the afternoon? Seriously?

Wenttomowameadow · 16/03/2024 18:52

He doesn't have to drink at the pub though? He could have a burger and a coke!

If I were you I'd get yourself a hobby so you can get your own network around you when he's off doing football.

MissyB1 · 16/03/2024 18:57

ChristmasFluff · 16/03/2024 17:13

Since when did women become responsible explaining normal human feelings to men?

If your partner suggests the pub and you turn them down, it's pretty clear they are going to be disappointed, especially if you refuse to do ANYTHING as an alternative. His nap means more to him than his wife's disappointment, and she can explain her feelings til the cows come home, it won't change that.

When did we start expecting so little from men? When are we going to stop making excuses for them? They are not poor confused inept idiots who cannot understand normal human emotions. If we would recognise an issue, you can pretty much take it for granted they can.

8.30 isn't early, and it's not a reason to avoid going out with your wife. So why isn't it on him to explain his reasons better?

I agree. So many women set the bar so low. Having said that so many couples set the bar so low for how they think they should behave in a relationship.

OP you are not unreasonable, couples should make time for each other. If he didn’t want to go to the pub he could have suggested something else. He just couldn’t be arsed to make any effort though. He needs reminding that he is still required to make an effort!

fredandme · 16/03/2024 19:00

watching football absolutely comes above and beyond me

You've just reminded me why I'm so glad I dumped the footie fanatic partner I once had and found someone with a better sense of life balance.

moonfacer · 16/03/2024 19:02

Highnone · 16/03/2024 18:34

I feel totally rejected. I’ve told him that - he thinks I’m unreasonable
im about to get a takeaway for everyone. Ive ordered it and off to get it myself. He is in a huff because I’m not playing along and pretending I’m fine about how he is with me.

Is this normal, where he upsets you and then you’re expected to act jolly like it’s all fine?

He sounds horrible.

Trulyme · 16/03/2024 19:08

YABVU

If you are pissed off with him for not wanting to go out, then he should be pissed off with you for not wanting to stay in.
But I would also say he was BVU for feeling that way too.

Why does your choice get to trump his?

I understand wanting to go out but it’s not like this was planned and he’s let you down last minute.

On the rare occasions I am child free then I try and force myself to go out but sometimes I just want to stay in and that’s ok.

I think you need to think about why this had upset you so much because there are obviously quite big issues in your relationship.

There’s also still plenty of time to go to the pub by yourself or with a parent.

shoppingshamed · 16/03/2024 19:08

ApolloandDaphne · 16/03/2024 18:44

There is no way I would be off to the pub with a 8.30 start the next day. That wouldn't work for me at all.

Does your pub lock you in and force alcohol down your throat? What impact would an afternoon pub trip have on your ability to get up at 8.30?

I dont see the connection

harriethoyle · 16/03/2024 19:15

@Highnone I'd be hurt by this too. It's not about the pub "no", it's about being totally unenthusiastic about rare time alone with you.

Original poster
Highnone · 16/03/2024 19:42

Thanks for all that have taken the time to reply. I get that I’m assuming here that my want to go out is trumping DH wanting to stay in. However, given we stay in most nights and he is offering no alternative, I think I’ve got the right to be peeved.

let’s be clear, DH is happy for nights out at the pub with his mates.

OP posts:
Herdinggoats · 16/03/2024 20:12

Highnone · 16/03/2024 19:42

Thanks for all that have taken the time to reply. I get that I’m assuming here that my want to go out is trumping DH wanting to stay in. However, given we stay in most nights and he is offering no alternative, I think I’ve got the right to be peeved.

let’s be clear, DH is happy for nights out at the pub with his mates.

Well next time he asks you to look after the kids so he can go to the pub with his mates, just tell him you have an early start the best day and go for a nap yourself.

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