AIBU for not knowing how to handle this living arrangement?

[Stressedhahaajsk]

When I met DP, he lived in City A and I lived in City B (which is more expensive). I would mainly stay at his as he had his own place whereas I was renting in a house share.

A year after meeting, I then rented my own flat in City B and he lived with me while paying his mortgage. I then moved jobs and we briefly lived together at his in City A.

i now have a job offer back in City B and he is suggesting I stay in City A and commute to B. There is very little scope for remote working and my commute will be over 3 hours a day, all in.

i really want to move back to City B (which was always the plan) to be closer to work. The job is stressful and demanding and I think a 3 hour commute would be stressful. I would also be far from friends.

The thing is, as he has his own flat, he obviously won’t be able to pay half the rent on a property to share but also doesn’t want to live with others. I will struggle to pay rent on somewhere for both of us.

the only compromise I see is that I live elsewhere on a m-f basis and live at his on weekends. He could maybe stay a night or two as well. We could then look to buy somewhere together.

he will see this as taking a step backwards but I just can’t afford to pay rent for two people in a more expensive location.

aibu?

Any reason why he can’t rent his out and then also rent with you, as a starting point?

Sensible suggestion.

I have suggested this and he is reluctant. He’ll look into it but it’s not his first choice. He said it will take a few months to sort which is a fair point. I’m just not sure what to do in the meantime.

How long have you been together and how old are both of you?

We have been together just over a year and both 30

I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

Of course he doesn’t want to rent in your city when he’s got his own home in his city. Of course you don’t want that commute.

I suppose, the unreasonable thing was you applying for a job in city B when you’d both settled in city A, though you say this was “always the plan”. More your plan than his?

Your compromise of you lodging in your city during the week is probably the best temporary solution, while you wrangle about where you are both actually going to live and work long-term and whether that’s compatible with living together.

It's a difficult one then. I'd potentially look at living away Mon to Fri (but then I'd want him to do lots of the running to visit me at the weekend tbh) but it may be that you end up breaking up cos of the distance.

If he seems totally unwilling to compromise on anything at all, I'd be rethinking the relationship personally.

we actually both work in city B but he is able to come in a lot less. My job also requires a bit more time at the office than his.

so it just wasn’t an option for me to work significantly closer

I'm guessing the more expensive city has more work and he has lucked out making living in a less expensive one work, which doesn't apply to you, but which he's expecting you to make work for him

Honestly one year in I'd go and let him follow you or not

3hr commute is something I did from 2001 till the pandemic barring mat leave. I still do it 2-3 days a week. It's not uncommon around London.

Of course it's up to you but you could give it a go depending on how many days you have to do in the office.

If you both work in city B it makes sense to live there. Can't he rent his place and you rent together. I would not do a commute like that.

That's hardly any time. Just go to the city you want. Yolo

A third move for him in a year is a lot .... I can understand why he is reluctant to move again when he has his own place to be honest unless its going to be a permanent move.

He needs to move to city B as you both work there. Do not move to city A. The excuse about how long it takes to rent out a place is a poor one.

He is asking you to do all the compromise and commuting which doesn’t bode well.

He hasn’t moved though. He’s had the same place throughout.

Do you not have to have a special mortgage for this? Also the costs to be a landlord are huge!

A full-time working pattern with three hours per day of commuting would not be possible for me, although some people do it.

I would sort yourself out I think: rent a place in City B big enough for yourself (not necessarily big enough for both of you full time but definitely able to allow him to stay over) and agree to split weekends - half each in City B and City A.

This means you cannot contribute financially to his place in City A for the time being but I think this is alright for now. Perhaps agree to review the situation in one year’s time.

I think if you live with him in City B and commute you’ll end up resenting him; I would find Mon-Fri lodging too stressful personally although others might be able to do it.

You’ve only been together a year: would do what works best for you personally.

commuting 5 days a week or the Monday to Friday away options sound bad for you. Him suggesting them doesn’t reflect well on him IMO.

would rent somewhere you can afford in the city you’ll work in, presumably in a share. Visit your boyfriend only as often as he visits you or, say, 60/40.

your place having flatmates doesn’t justify you doing most of the travelling etc.

longer term wouldn’t be keen on the commuter town unless there are numerous job options for you with 2 days+ working from home. IME commuting is exhausting.

Is there anywhere between the two cities that would work for you both? I couldn't contemplate commuting 3 hours a day. If he is staying put then rent somewhere for you in the week and go to his at weekends.

I see his point of view more. He owns a home. Why would he want to sell so he can rent with you. I wouldn’t. You shouldn’t have applied for other job unless you had discussed how you would make it work together first. Unless you’re not in the relationship for long run which I guess may be the case here. I’d say have a conversation along the lines of, commute initially with maybe a couple of nights overnight like Tues/Wed to reduce the load, but with a view to consider buying somewhere together between A and B. Move out of cities and find somewhere in the middle if your job works out and you like it.

He’s happy for you to do the 3 commute though.

This is nothing! Do what works best for you.

‘You shouldn’t have applied for other job unless you had discussed how you would make it work together first’

When she’d dated him for one year?

Of coarse she can apply for any job she likes.

OK so he owns his own home, no doubt OP is contributing to his costs and he likes having his mortgage shared. Anything other than OP commuting means he has to make an effort - during the week or weekends - he also loses his cooker and cleaner

There’s no benefit to him you working in another city so I don’t expect he’ll stay around long.

Couple of things I don't understand.

You say moving back to City B was "always the plan". Was it his plan as well? When you planned it what timeframe did you discuss? And was his plan to sell his City A flat and for you to both buy in City B?

And what was your plan when you applied for the City B job? I assume this hasn't been suddenly sprung on you and there's been some time between application and getting it - have there been no discussions between you as to how you'd make it work?

Because as things stand neither of you are unreasonable not to give ground, especially as it's still a very new relationship - but the bigger problem seems to be a combination of being bad at a) planning, b) communicating your plans to each other.