AIBU for not knowing how to handle this living arrangement?

[Stressedhahaajsk]

When I met DP, he lived in City A and I lived in City B (which is more expensive). I would mainly stay at his as he had his own place whereas I was renting in a house share.

A year after meeting, I then rented my own flat in City B and he lived with me while paying his mortgage. I then moved jobs and we briefly lived together at his in City A.

i now have a job offer back in City B and he is suggesting I stay in City A and commute to B. There is very little scope for remote working and my commute will be over 3 hours a day, all in.

i really want to move back to City B (which was always the plan) to be closer to work. The job is stressful and demanding and I think a 3 hour commute would be stressful. I would also be far from friends.

The thing is, as he has his own flat, he obviously won’t be able to pay half the rent on a property to share but also doesn’t want to live with others. I will struggle to pay rent on somewhere for both of us.

the only compromise I see is that I live elsewhere on a m-f basis and live at his on weekends. He could maybe stay a night or two as well. We could then look to buy somewhere together.

he will see this as taking a step backwards but I just can’t afford to pay rent for two people in a more expensive location.

aibu?

You both work in City B. It makes sense to reside there. He might not always have the wfh option he does now.
Tbh what you have been doing for the last 12 months is irrelevant. Look forward.
1h commute (one way) is norm for London but 1.5h pushes it into uncomfortable territory. It is def a consideration.

I think the best solution is the one suggested in your OP. You rent somewhere in City B and spend the weekends at his. He stays at yours one night mid week. Yes it's sort of a 'step backwards' but it just seems like the only practical solution for now. Then see how things pan out in terms of jobs, houses etc.

I think it depends what plans are moving forward and timescale. Kids? Marriage? Buying property together?

I can totally see his point, it's been a year and quite a lot of changing in living arrangements, it's understandable he doesn't want to commit to anything yet.

You should do what you suggest in your OP, rent somewhere M-F and stay with him at the weekend.

Make a more permanent decision down the line.

Yes he has? he lived in his flat in city A to start. Then moved to the OP flat in city B with her. Then they both moved back to his? That's quite a lot of chopping and changing in one year I think?

The timescale suggests an insane amount of chopping and changing.

They've been dating just over a year. For a year of that OP was in a City B houseshare so spent most of her time at the bf's City A flat. Then she rents her own City B flat (and bf moves in - why would he do this?) then she changes job and they move to his City A flat and then she now has another job offer in City B all in the space of a few months?

But his base has remained the same throughout.

And presumably he stayed rent free with OP in the city he works in, so hardly a huge sacrifice.

Whereas he is asking OP to commute 3 hours round trip daily.