How to back track on banter with pervy boss?

[SpringySpringTime]

Not really an AIBU, more of a WWYD.

I have an “outspoken” manager who can be quite brash and “brutally honest”, loves a joke at anyone’s expense.

Generally, I’m reasonably good at giving as good as I get but in work time, always err on the side of caution when making comments.

My manager and I have over the last few months spent a lot of dinners together (prob at least 6) where the chat is more personal/ non-professional as it’s outside work hours.

My manager seems to have taken this as a green light to continue this level of familiarity at work - generally not in a group setting and I’m beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable as to the personal nature of some of his comments.

I particularly “non-PC” remark he made to me this morning has been weighing on my mind all day so has obviously struck a nerve but I think I’m going to find it really hard to back track and get us on more of a “professional” tone having been quite open and honest outside of work - which I’m now bitterly regretting.

Any advice?

Should say “back on track”

What kind of remark? Was it sexually inappropriate?

Why have you had so many one-on-one dinners with him? He sounds ghastly. Isn’t the easiest thing to do to ask him to repeat himself when he says something over-familiar (not entirely sure what you mean by non-PC in this context), and, if he doesn’t realise it’s inappropriate when he says it againjust say ‘I think you misunderstand me, X. I do not appreciate that kind of comment. Please don’t make it again in my company’?

I'd avoid the dinners and keep steering any conversation back to work; if a remark crosses the line into 'non pc', tell him he is making you uncomfortable.

But you’ve been complicit in this relationship and what’s acceptable in it, it seems a bit late in the day to suddenly change your mind. It will take time, you’ll have to distance yourself but you definitely have a part to play in this.

He told me that I needed to go out this weekend and get some dick!

I know I have a part to play, which I regret and will definitely change my behaviour in future but I am where I am at this point.

Yes stop your dinners and tell him that you feel uncomfortable.
He is your boss and knows he is being inappropriate. You sound quite young, are you?
You won't be the first woman he has done this to and he absolutely knows what he is doing.

Next time he says something like that, leave a slight pause and say neutrally ‘Sorry, what did you say?’ This gives him a chance to think about what he’s just said, and signals you’re not falling about laughing at his hilarious banter, without you having to say anything, because it might be you genuinely didn’t hear.if he’s so thick he actually repeats it, then you need to reply ‘I don’t appreciate that kind of comment.’

You just need to have a grown up conversation and warn that language and conversation like that is not appropriate for the workplace, that it makes you uncomfortable and if overheard by others could make them very uncomfortable too.
I don’t think in cases like this you can try for subtlety - he’s your boss and actually you’re doing him a favour. By reminding him now he’s less likely to do it again, maybe with others in ear shot, and getting himself in trouble.

Well, no. The basic principle of consent is that it can be withdrawn at any point, and this applies to any level of intimacy or interaction, not only physical.

What is the organisational set-up?
large organisation with HR dept or small, family business?
either way I think you could email and say that he made a comment to you which was sexually inappropriate and you would ask him to refrain from doing so in future, so you have a paper trail. Then I would put the relationship on a more professional footing.
If there is an HR dept, I would find someone to speak to there in confidence and take their advice as well.

Yes, this.

He's brutally honest and outspoken... so that means you can be direct/blunt.

"Wind it in, Mark. We're at work, not down the pub."

The remark was completely inappropriate. I know it’s hard “rocking the boat” by bringing it up but if you don’t it will happen again. Also, don’t be alone with him with the door closed.

Is it fair to call him a perve?
It sounds like your “back track” error for “back on track” is actually right - together you’ve created this level of interaction - that doesn’t make him a perve.

I think @Changedforthetoday advice is excellent: “You just need to have a grown up conversation and warn that language and conversation like that is not appropriate for the workplace, that it makes you uncomfortable and if overheard by others could make them very uncomfortable too “

If that’s hard, a lighter, “you can’t talk like that at work!” (and change the subject) may be enough, coupled with not spending time outside of work with him - is this because of work travel?

I agree with all you’ve said but I’m not sure how that makes what I’ve said incorrect, it still stands.

As the situation stands, OP has not withdrawn consent hence him still behaving in a certain way.

well yes I agree and as it stand OP has not withdrawn consent.

I would have responded in a slightly joky voice, crikey xxx thats a bit ott for work' and made a sharp exit.

Or 'Wow blunt much xxx, you can't say that in work' in jokey voice

Well, to be fair, having dinner with someone does not give them license to overstep professional boundaries and make inappropriate remarks either.

Blimey, if that's what he's saying IN the office, Christ knows what the conversation has been like OUT of it! 😳

How did you respond when he said that?

Regardless, for whatever reason, he's clearly come to think this style of conversing with you is acceptable. You now need to make it clear to him that it isn't - but don't be awkward about it by suddenly getting all 'official' (as you were complicit in letting the banter get out of hand!).

I would personally do it in a half-jokey way. Maybe say: 'Now, now, that's probably not very professional, is it?' He'll soon get the message... hopefully.

While that is true, there are two people in this scenario. Doesn't suddenly make him a bad person because he was led to believe this style of conversation was once OK.

This! 👏👏

A light hearted "steady on boss, save it for after work"
That way, you've made it clear it's unprofessional but you're not chastising them or joining in.

How is he pervy if you have been joining in and having this kind of conversation for months? You are as much responsible as he is. You have led him to believe it's OK.

Say this is not suitable in the workplace and save it for later. And stop having these conversations in future perhaps.