How to back track on banter with pervy boss?

[SpringySpringTime]

Not really an AIBU, more of a WWYD.

I have an “outspoken” manager who can be quite brash and “brutally honest”, loves a joke at anyone’s expense.

Generally, I’m reasonably good at giving as good as I get but in work time, always err on the side of caution when making comments.

My manager and I have over the last few months spent a lot of dinners together (prob at least 6) where the chat is more personal/ non-professional as it’s outside work hours.

My manager seems to have taken this as a green light to continue this level of familiarity at work - generally not in a group setting and I’m beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable as to the personal nature of some of his comments.

I particularly “non-PC” remark he made to me this morning has been weighing on my mind all day so has obviously struck a nerve but I think I’m going to find it really hard to back track and get us on more of a “professional” tone having been quite open and honest outside of work - which I’m now bitterly regretting.

Any advice?

I was responding to a post which suggested that OP could not now change her mind about the level of intimacy in the relationship.
I make no mention of whether her boss is or is not a ‘bad person’ here, but no-one should be made to feel that because they have engaged in a level of intimacy that they should then have to continue with it, even though they feel uncomfortable.
But as it happens, the remake is inappropriate for a professional setting, which is where it was made. Still does not make the man a ‘bad person’, but a re-setting of boundaries is needed, as most posters recognise here.

Sure it does! He is her boss and using this language at work is completely inappropriate.

Yes, it is inappropriate, absolutely.
But it's language they have both been using up to this point - OP now happens to be uncomfortable with it. So she must absolutely reset the boundaries - I personally wouldn't go in 'hard' though, if it's been friendly up to now.

OP has already said she’s been part of the banter though. You’re misreading the situation a little bit. OP has changed her mind and wants it to stop, which is all fine of course she can do that, but up until this point he has had license to overstep this line

What? Is he supposed to be psychic and guess when she’s randomly has enough? She can change her mind sure, but he’s not in the wrong unless he carries on after she’s asked him to stop.

You think it is fine for a male manager to make that kind of comment in work to a female junior?

I feel like you’re kind of attacking my character here and there’s not much need for that.

On the face of it, no of course not, but as OP has already omitted, she’s allowed this banter to be in place. It’s not as black and white as you’re are making it out to be.

I was in the same situation as you except I didn't quite join in, just laughed along awkwardly. I finally had enough and answered back on a couple of occasions such as "Did anyone hear it on the Radio this morning about how sexual harassment in the workplace is on the up and some companies are sacking staff after tightening up on it" (I can't remember the exact news story). He got argumentative about it at the time.

A good while later (like maybe 12 months or so) I just had enough. I'd phoned HR and my Union on the phone (but refused to give names, either his or mine) to check out exactly what would happen when I'm pressed the proverbial button. HR were very useful, and told me what phrases from my long list of examples legally counted as sexual harassment and which didn't. They said I had plenty examples that would qualify as gross misconduct, and said he would be suspended immediately and escorted off the premises. If 3 staff confirmed this was his behaviour then he'd never work for them again (NHS Trust).

I asked him could I have a word in private. I said I understood that perhaps he didn't realise how inappropriate his behaviour was as he due to strange mechanics of our service he hadn't worked alongside any managers of his own level for about 15 years (inexcusable still, but i felt I should cushion the blow a bit. Now I probably wouldn't have done, so much!). I said I should have spoken up sooner. He started off by saying "Well I've obviously said something that you didn't like, so tell me what is was so I can apologise and we can move past this". I made it very clear this wasn't one incident, I gave him examples with approx dates going back years (such as the day we got certain equipment delivered and he asked I'd shown the delivery man my tits, or the day I was back after an operation and said I needed to keep an eye on my wound,m and he replied "Does this mean we get to see you naked") and his face dropped when he realised how bad it all was when repeated back to him in the cold light off day. I told him I'd spoken to HR but not given his name because I knew he'd get sacked and I didn't want that for him, I just wanted it to stop. I said I didn't want him to have to explain to his wife, and also mentioned I'm sure he'd never want anyone saying those types of things to his Daughter. It started with me feeling vulnerable and ended up with his crying with his head in his hands asking "Am I going to get anyone knocking on my door because of this?" and me patting him on the back reassuring him. 🤣🤣

And fair play to him, it stopped.

I can laugh about it now, seeing how pathetic he obviously felt. But one thing for sure, I'm angry with myself I didn't speak to sooner and spent so many years letting him get away with it and thinking it was ok.

Be brave, be strong, but please speak to and challenge him. Just imagine you're talking to him with an army of women behind you.

Are you married or single? Why have you went out on dinners with him?