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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel failed by my parents

37 replies

HermioneGrangerly · 15/03/2024 19:58

Name changed.
Had a very difficult and unhappy childhood which was very controlling. Dad would go weeks without hardly talking to me, I wasn't allowed to do anything except chores and gardening. Everything had to be perfect for Dad we lived on tender-hooks, mum would tell me to not tell dad anything bad.

I hated school holidays as I knew it would be utterly miserable. I escaped at 18 with my now husband nearly 18 years ago. We unexpectedly fell pregnant 16 years ago and as I expected they didn't talk to me (no change there) until baby born and as they get older I have kept in contact and visit every few weeks although mum is totally controlled by him the relationship is tricky- I never feel totally at ease.

Consequently I've never been able to have a mother daughter relationship and mum is not allowed to really be the amazing Grandma I know she would be. Kids know this and said to me we don't get to spend much time with Grandma because of Grandad and they are openly wary of him so I don't allow them there without me.

I've never felt loved or felt they had my back. Last year dad told me he didn't know where he had gone wrong with me. His old colleagues kids all had good jobs and "did it right" (ie marriage house then kids). I got my degree, we have a mortgage and although not high flying job have always worked full time and we have a nice life with our now 4 children. Most of the time I cope with the hurt but sat in Tesco car park and it's hit me again.

I'm incredibly insecure and lack confidence.
Every time there is nasty comments about my weight or I bought mum a thoughtful personalised gift in December for her birthday and he took the piss out of it before going off muttering about the kids loud chatting and my present. When we go he makes no effort with kids.

If I cut them off as they are in late seventies I'd feel guilty and worried.
Really just want a virtual hug
Probably need therapy. It's awful feeling like you have no family- so envious of normal close families.

OP posts:
Mummyratbag · 15/03/2024 20:01

He sounds truly awful. I'm sorry you had this.

BartiRum · 15/03/2024 20:06

Have you ever spoken to your mum
about this?
I think I couldn’t help myself to answer him back rather venomously, but I am short tempered and perimenopausal so I don’t care what other think anymore, especially family.

RawBloomers · 15/03/2024 20:14

You have a lot of years left in your life that would be much improved by you building up the foundation of security and confidence your parents should have laid. It’s too late to get it from them, but not to late to develop it yourself.

Sounds like therapy would be a good idea. You shouldn’t feel guilt about not putting yourself in harms way.

Hatty65 · 15/03/2024 20:25

What would you lose by saying bluntly, 'You were a terrible father. You still are. I don't know what you expect me to say, Dad - you are just deeply unpleasant to be around. You were an awful father when I was a kid and you still are. Really you shouldn't have had children. It's sad that you can't see that I've made a success of my life and that my family are happy'.

It won't change him in any way. He is what he is - but at least you'll have had the satisfaction of having got it off your chest. Can you just phone your DM instead of visiting? I'd tell her, 'Dad makes me feel so unwelcome I just don't want to come round any more'. Would she come to you?

My own parents are shit - but I have at least pointed it out to them. They were taken aback and denied it, but some of the little digs have stopped. If they do it now I simply say, 'I'm going home now as I don't need to sit here while you make me feel shit about myself. I don't know why you feel the need to be so awful'. And I go.

citrinetrilogy · 15/03/2024 20:35

Your poor mum. He abused you for all your childhood, and he's been abusing her all along too. She's trapped, isn't she? Are you ever able to spend time together, just the two of you?

purplehotdogs · 15/03/2024 20:38

Some people are just utterly poisonous bastards and cannot help but spew their poison onto others. We have one in my family (not one of my parents, thankfully).

There is really nothing you can do to get your dad to stop being an asshole to you. But please know, it's not you. It's him.

He knows that you are doing very well for yourself, and is likely envious of the relationships you have with your partner and children. He is not capable or or willing to take any responsibility for being a crappy person and parent, and you cannot change that. He probably wants to pull you down because he wants you to be miserable like him.

Really the only answer is that you have to work on building up your own self worth so his words and actions have minimal impact on you. You sound like a lovely daughter, ery kind and thoughtful, and if he would only see it he would know he is lucky to have you.

Original poster
HermioneGrangerly · 15/03/2024 20:40

Gosh thank you for the support it's helped just writing it out.
Poor mum- no we don't unfortunately spend much time together which makes me very sad.

OP posts:
Evaka · 15/03/2024 20:44

Your dad sounds like a piece of shit. Absolutely get some therapy and give serious thought to cutting them both off. I'm sorry your mum has had to put up, but she also made a choice not to protect you from your dad. I hope you find comfort in your husband and kiddos xxx

quitefranklyabsurd · 15/03/2024 20:48

Couldn’t scroll by this one without giving you a virtual hug.

if you can afford it I would Deff say have some counselling. Talking therapy was a game changer for me and being able to work through so many parent related trauma was hard but fundamentally really helpful and transformational.

SomersetTart · 15/03/2024 20:54

You have made such a wonderful life with your husband and children OP - you should be really proud of yourself for that and your job and degree. You must be made of strong, loving stuff.

I so agree with what @RawBloomers said. The effects of our upbringing can hold us back all our lives if we don't address them and also, they have ways of bursting out of us unless we tackle them. Therapy might help you burst the bubble of grief/unhappiness/unfairness that rises up in you. My DH has a similar childhood and only sought therapy after a mental health crisis....it really helped him and he's a new, lighter, more confident person afterwards.

He wishes he'd gone earlier....one of the buggers of the sort of upbringing you and he share is that it makes you so self sufficient.....but sometimes we all need help.

Mummame222 · 15/03/2024 20:57

Your mum is responsible too. She allowed that treatment of you to continue. I wouldn’t forgive either of them.

SomersetTart · 15/03/2024 21:09

The thoughtful gift you chose for your mum was a wonderful thing to do and a measure of the loving person you are. Don't let your dad's reaction taint that for you in any way for you.

TheFancyPoet · 15/03/2024 21:11

Do you honestly need this? Don't starve yourself that way, you deserve love. Forgive him and go NC

Chipsahoy · 15/03/2024 21:12

Yes to therapy. Please, give that gift to yourself. You deserve to heal. It’s taken the best part of a decade to put in distance and go ultra low contact with mine. Different reasons. You deserve to be free of this.

Original poster
HermioneGrangerly · 15/03/2024 21:13

I want my mum in my life but I don't know how to do this with him. She will never leave him despite saying it for years and support offered by me to enable this. Financially they are very well off.

OP posts:
Cathbrownlow · 15/03/2024 21:15

I know how you feel, OP. Remember, your mum has made choices, too. I tend to agree with the PP who said tell your father what a bastard he is. I wish I had told my dad, he bloody deserved it. Create a life without your parents. You are not responsible for the choices they have made.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 15/03/2024 21:17

I'm sad for you OP. On one hand I think your mother is awful too for not protecting you but on the other hand I get she is probably a bully's victim. I think if you want a relationship with her you need to get her alone and see if you can help her break the cycle. If she isn't willing to stand up to him then tell her you can't visit in the house anymore but maybe meet her independently. I don't think you should sacrifice your relationship with her without trying to help each other first. I admit I have no personal experience, that's just how I'd play it.

Fwiw my friend had a very difficult parent situation and just couldn't say what she needed to, so she wrote a letter. It took many drafts but it went and she knows it was read. Whether flicked through and thrown in the bin or pondered every night she doesn't know but it helped release her from a lifetime of hurt.

Sockdolager · 15/03/2024 21:30

OP, it’s difficult, but after a certain point we all need to cut loose psychologically from our parents, no matter how inadequate/ghastly they were. (My own were well-intentioned, but utterly neglectful, and have no idea they did anything wrong.) You need to come to terms with the fact that they will never love and value you the way you want. They are not the parents you needed them to be. I’d recommend therapy to deal with the lingering effect of their parenting , which I’ve found very tough (it was very hard to hear someone of my parents’ generation saying ‘They should not have done that’) but also very helpful. You need to look to yourself for a sense of your value.

Vera87 · 11/08/2025 21:53

I’m the OP here and I wish I could say I have accessed therapy but I had a crisis with my mental health and only just feeling strong. I have not seen either of my parents for a few months now. Mum is very upset that I have blocked them both a couple of weeks ago as she frequently texts my other half stating I am letting them down then another moment saying they are both desperate to see me. They both knew I was unwell but never bothered to be there for me. Sorry it’s not a better update but I appreciate all your replies x

tripleginandtonic · 11/08/2025 21:57

Your mum let you down too. Maybe your Dad will.die first and you can spend some quality time in her later years. But until then I'd go very low contact and not go to their house.

Vera87 · 12/11/2025 07:39

update on this thread.
nothing much has changed. I have to visit out of obligation once a month
ive changed jobs and not been well- not once did he ask about me and my job. Muttered about kids and then was horrendously racist and sexist.
any time I have contact my mood dips. I want to see mum but I can’t without seeing him.
I literally hate him.

Big hugs to anyone who has toxic parents

Redburnett · 12/11/2025 07:46

Can you invite your mother to visit you at your home without your father? It might help your relationship with her and also hers with the children.
If you have siblings talk to them about your upbringing, it might be cathartic.

TwinkleTwinkleLittleBatgirl · 12/11/2025 07:51

Mummame222 · 15/03/2024 20:57

Your mum is responsible too. She allowed that treatment of you to continue. I wouldn’t forgive either of them.

This, your mum is his enabler and complicit in the horrendous behaviour of your dad.
why on earth would you want either of them around you or your children?

hattie43 · 12/11/2025 07:52

I’m amazed you’ve turned out the well rounded person you sound . I think you should actually tell him how he’s ruined your life and that of your mum . I wouldn’t care that he doesn’t agree it would be off my chest . As for your mum she enabled this , she should have protected her children from a monster . As for future care forget it . So many monstrous parents grow old and ‘ mellow ‘ on the expectation of help . No , walk away , see your mum outside the home , give her flowers if you want , treat her to tea , but walk away and protect your children from seeing this .

BarbarasRhabarberba · 12/11/2025 07:55

Hatty65 · 15/03/2024 20:25

What would you lose by saying bluntly, 'You were a terrible father. You still are. I don't know what you expect me to say, Dad - you are just deeply unpleasant to be around. You were an awful father when I was a kid and you still are. Really you shouldn't have had children. It's sad that you can't see that I've made a success of my life and that my family are happy'.

It won't change him in any way. He is what he is - but at least you'll have had the satisfaction of having got it off your chest. Can you just phone your DM instead of visiting? I'd tell her, 'Dad makes me feel so unwelcome I just don't want to come round any more'. Would she come to you?

My own parents are shit - but I have at least pointed it out to them. They were taken aback and denied it, but some of the little digs have stopped. If they do it now I simply say, 'I'm going home now as I don't need to sit here while you make me feel shit about myself. I don't know why you feel the need to be so awful'. And I go.

This. I relate to a lot of what you say OP but I eventually told my parents I felt they’d fundamentally failed me. While there was initial pushback and denial, to their credit they did go away and reflect on it. We now have a distant but cordial relationship and I only see them if I need them to look after my pets. If I didn’t have pets I wouldn’t visit or see them. I won’t be helping them in old age. I feel no guilt whatsoever. Just cut them off OP if it would make you happier. You owe them nothing and they’ve reaped what they sowed.