To feel failed by my parents

[HermioneGrangerly]

Name changed.
Had a very difficult and unhappy childhood which was very controlling. Dad would go weeks without hardly talking to me, I wasn't allowed to do anything except chores and gardening. Everything had to be perfect for Dad we lived on tender-hooks, mum would tell me to not tell dad anything bad.

I hated school holidays as I knew it would be utterly miserable. I escaped at 18 with my now husband nearly 18 years ago. We unexpectedly fell pregnant 16 years ago and as I expected they didn't talk to me (no change there) until baby born and as they get older I have kept in contact and visit every few weeks although mum is totally controlled by him the relationship is tricky- I never feel totally at ease.

Consequently I've never been able to have a mother daughter relationship and mum is not allowed to really be the amazing Grandma I know she would be. Kids know this and said to me we don't get to spend much time with Grandma because of Grandad and they are openly wary of him so I don't allow them there without me.

I've never felt loved or felt they had my back. Last year dad told me he didn't know where he had gone wrong with me. His old colleagues kids all had good jobs and "did it right" (ie marriage house then kids). I got my degree, we have a mortgage and although not high flying job have always worked full time and we have a nice life with our now 4 children. Most of the time I cope with the hurt but sat in Tesco car park and it's hit me again.

I'm incredibly insecure and lack confidence.
Every time there is nasty comments about my weight or I bought mum a thoughtful personalised gift in December for her birthday and he took the piss out of it before going off muttering about the kids loud chatting and my present. When we go he makes no effort with kids.

If I cut them off as they are in late seventies I'd feel guilty and worried.
Really just want a virtual hug
Probably need therapy. It's awful feeling like you have no family- so envious of normal close families.

Yes, OP, they are both to blame and I wouldn’t hesitate to cut them off. The massive upside here is that you have grown into a strong, resilient, loving woman who is undoubtedly a wonderful mother because you are so aware of what NOT to do when it comes to parenting. Live your life and move on, otherwise you’ll end up sucked into caring for those miserable people.

I haven't seen my df for over 25 years. His dw made me feel unwelcome and she stopped seeing me and the dc (x4).. Df followed suit and dumped us all. For years I blamed her... But ultimately he chose his own actions..
Your dm is also choosing to be a rubbish parent.

She doesn't deserve to see you or your dc. Especially with him there... Offer up cafe meets... If she won't come then it's really her loss.
Mourn the dps you wish you had. I have found lovely elderly people through my work.. They get the lovely Christmas cards and updates on my dc. Not my actual dps... Seek out friends who may you fee cared for. You do yourself /your dc no favours being around your dps.

Ideally you would tell him exactly how awful he has been as a father. And that a more loving home life as a child would have been worth so much to you.
But I fully agree that if you did it would push your mum away aswell.
Chances are she has a lot of regrets and wishes things had been very different.
But what you can do is get therapy for yourself. Talk to someone impartial and they can help you try to accept his behaviour. Not to excuse it but not let it have a negative impact on the rest of your life.
He will never be the dad you deserved . But it sounds like you have done really well and are probably a better mother because of how awful he was.

As others have said, your mum enabled your dad’s abuse. She is a victim too, but she was an adult and your parent and should have protected you, but she didn’t.

One of the key things I’ve realised having watched many friends in all sorts of situations, we are all exposed to this stereotypical idea of what a family should be. This generally tends to be the idea of a nuclear family with mum and dad happily married and being supportive parents to their children. The stereotype of two parents living together is not as strong as it used to be (though still I think a lot of children believe this is the “perfect” situation). But whether parents are living together, or split across two houses, or there’s only one, or it’s grandparents or another relative or foster family raising the child, there is still this very strong idea that the adults raising you are supportive and look after you and protect you. These days we get children’s books with all sorts of different family situations represented, so children can learn early on that their situation is “normal”, but the idea of kind supportive parents/guardians is everywhere. So children get raised with this idea of what parents are like and that’s what they expect. But if their parents are not nice they don’t know how to live in that situation. They keep on trying to get the perfect situation, they think if they can just be the perfect child it will turn their parents into perfect parents. I’ve watched adult friends chasing after their parents, trying to force the parent-child relationship that society has taught them to expect. As an outside observer I used to wonder why on earth they were being so nice and bending over backwards trying to appease these awful people. Eventually I realised that that’s the only parents they’ve got and they’d grown up without learning what it was like to feel loved and supported at home. They didn’t have the ability to recognise a bad parent because they had no experience of a good parent to compare it too.

You’ve grown up where your home, which should have been your sanctuary, was not a safe space for you. You’ve not had your emotional needs met as a child, which is an important factor in development. This will have had a massive impact on the adult you have grown into. You feel insecure because you were never made to feel secure at home as a child. There’s a lot to unpack here, and I do think therapy could really help you.

Moving forward the main thing I really wish for you is to know that you owe your parents nothing. You are right in thinking that they have massively let you down. Keep in touch if you want to, but don’t let them into your head. You need to have your guard up whenever you are with them. Being honest I really think you’d do better to cut them off entirely, but I know it’s not that easy. I would put very strong boundaries in place when it comes to their relationship with your children though. Don’t let your dad chip away and your children’s self esteem like he did with yours.

Sorry to hear this. You sound a lovely person. Your dad and unfortunately mum have missed out. She probably just tried to keep the peace.

I think your mum is probably a nice person who unfortunately didn’t stand up to him. Try if you can to have some type of relationship with her but don’t bother with him. I would tell him that he disappointed you as a father and all your friends fathers were great and you don’t know what happened to him. Just like the horrible things he has said to you. You should be really proud of what you have achieved in your life and what a caring person you are despite having a horrible dad.

What did you reply (to the "where I went wrong" thing)? Have you ever told him what a lousy father he was?

So sorry to hear you've got a difficult family - you deserve so much better. There are many of us in the same boat.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't change it.

Can you move mum in with you?

This.
Your mother put your father and herself first.
This was her choice and still is.

My mother did similar.
I chose to go no contact and neither ever met my children.
My father died first, and my mother assumed then we could wipe 25 years away.
Nope.
She too is now gone and all I felt in the end was hugd relief they were gone.

My children never missed what they never had.

Stop hurting yourself with continued contact.
Every visit is picking the scab, never allowing you peace.
Therapy might be good.
But no contact is so much better.
You owe either of them nothing.
Your father is a nasty abusive horror, a house terrorist.
Remember that.

Im so sorry @HermioneGrangerly- how difficult for you

It sounds totally normal and expected for you to lack confidence and feel crap. He sounds abusive and its normal that that would have affected you directly through your relationship with him and indirectly through his effect on your mum.

My parents were a bit like this and my dad certainly. Luckily she got away but it took a while and it's left us all with issues.

But therapy and things like yoga have really helped me out. After a long time I have been even able to get a better relationship with my dad and see how the whole thing has left me actually stronger and perceptive in ways I wouldnt have been otherwise.

But i still dream sometimes of having had a nice dad.

Can you talk to your mum and/or help her get out? It may take a while but there is support.

It sounds like you have done really well for yourself and that you're a self aware, kind and thoughtful person despite this awful situation.

Your situation is reminding me a bit about a book i read, called a flat land by noreen masud. It's a lot about how her dad affected her not through one traumatic event but just constant low lying tension and abuse of her mother

If I can recommend something, it is to get a really good therapist, I think it makes all the difference. But only if money is not an issue- go for cheaper if it is! But keep trying others if they are not right

Virtual hug and best of luck

Why should op move her mum in to her house?
a woman who put herself and a child abuser above her daughter?