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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband and eldest

28 replies

Tiredaf1 · 15/03/2024 09:31

Bit of backstory, my husband and eldest daughter (not his biologically but been her dad since she was 6) they had always a great relationship and she would of went to him over me when at school. She's now almost 20 and things are a shitshow at home. She's extremely rude, ungrateful, filthy and lives like a pig. She works but pays nothing towards her keep and we take her to and from work etc... she's very explosive and self centered but isn't that most "daughters".
Anyway, we are getting on better as I'm not around as much due to having to travel countries to care for my very ill mum.

Last night it all kicked off again over how she leaves our bathroom in our bedroom. She dyed her hair and it was everywhere and cut it too, she was in middle of cleaning it before I went up to bed but the hubby lost it. I don't blame him However in her defense she was actually cleaning it before he came in.
It all exploded from there. He called her a twat, she hurled abuse back and basically he said she needs to leave or he will have to. It's been boiling Over for a few years to be fair.

I don't want to give up on my daughter, she's vulnerable in a way but I feel I probably molly coddle her. She can't afford to move out just yet and I don't think she's ready to but I don't know how long I can keep the peace for at home.
I love my husband, he's an incredible man and supports us in everyday possible. I feel like I'm going to have to effectively chose a side but how do u pick between your daughter or husband...

Feeling low and lost

OP posts:

BobbyBiscuits · 15/03/2024 09:46

She needs to start respecting you both and the home. You and DH should sit down with her and do a cleaning rota. She is no longer allowed to use your private bathroom. You will not be giving her lifts and she will contribute X towards the house. She's an adult and it's time she acted one.
If she's got an issue with these perfectly reasonable rules tell her she can leave. It won't be any easier in a flat share or bedsit.

Thedogscollar · 15/03/2024 09:52

Oh dear sounds tough for you and dh.
Why is your dd using your bathroom? If you have an ensuite she should be using the main bathroom.
Why on earth are you ferrying her back and forth to work and taking no rent from her?
You said she is rude, ungrateful, filthy and lives like a pig! If this is so I can completely see where your dh is coming from.
Why is she vulnerable? She sounds like she's living a charmed life tbh.
Time for a big big talk she either steps up or moves out.

Notwhatyouwanttohear · 15/03/2024 09:53

Nearly 20 is not a child, she is disrespecting your home and affecting your relationship.

Why on earth have you not made her at least partly pay her way, she doesn't care because there is no consequences for her behaviour.

She needs to grow up and you need to tell her it isn't on.

Natty13 · 15/03/2024 10:02

You wouldn't be having to choose between them if you'd put your foot down and sorted out your daughter's dirty and selfish behaviour. You describe her as a "pig" and your husband as an "incredible man". If i were him I'd he leaving you too unkess you did something to actually parent your child.

Your marriage aside, isn't it yoir job to prepare your daughter for adulthood and the wider world? How do you think she will get on if she doesn't learn that people who aren't her mother don't tolerate selfish, disrespectful, and dirty people? Time for some harsh lessons I think.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/03/2024 10:19

she's very explosive and self centered but isn't that most "daughters"

Were you like that at 20? Oh course it’s not normal.

Why do you say she’s vulnerable? Why have you let her behave in such an entitled bratty unpleasant way for so long?

You can hardly blame your husband for having reached the end of his tether when you admit to mollycoddling her. I’d be issuing an ultimatum in his shoes too.

Are there other children her behaviour and outbursts are affecting?

What are you going to do?

Toblerbone · 15/03/2024 10:21

There is a middle ground between choosing between your husband and your daughter and one of them having to move out - it's your daughter showing a bit of respect and doing her share of the chores. She's 20 not a child!

GinForBreakfast · 15/03/2024 10:24

No, that isn't "most daughters" and she needs a hard dose of wake the fuck up.

WandaWonder · 15/03/2024 10:26

No it is not most daughter's you need to fix her behaviour she is 20 not 2 and the overused vulnerable is not going to change it

Just because there is a step parent doesn't mean have to endlessly put up with appalling behaviour just because they are men

If you live in a home respect is mutual

takealettermsjones · 15/03/2024 10:27

I am very, very rarely on the side of the "new" husband in these sorts of threads but... your husband absolutely has the right of this, if what you're saying is accurate.

My daughter huffs, slams doors, can be demanding etc at times. But if she expects us to do things for her, take her places etc but she doesn't speak to us respectfully, DH and I have a good laugh and tell her to ask again when she's found her manners. She's 3.

Hopefully your husband doesn't actually want to leave, but just wants this to be a wake up call. Stop enabling her!

Scaffoldingisugly · 15/03/2024 10:30

She's 20 not 12...my dd's are past the stage you mention and are 17 and 18..

EdgarsTale · 15/03/2024 10:30

Well no, not all daughters are like this. She sounds awful & spoilt.

I’d be telling her to leave. She can’t stay if she treats the house & the people in it so badly.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 15/03/2024 10:32

she's very explosive and self centered but isn't that most "daughters".

Father of daughters here. No, it bloody isn't. She's an adult and needs to wake up and smell the coffee. If she can't respect your home and your DH she should go.

Thinkofabagofcrap · 15/03/2024 10:35

"My daughter huffs, slams doors, can be demanding etc at times. But if she expects us to do things for her, take her places etc but she doesn't speak to us respectfully, DH and I have a good laugh and tell her to ask again when she's found her manners. She's 3."

Precisely.

Excited101 · 15/03/2024 10:36

She sounds awful op, your DP sounds like a saint to have put up with it as long as he has. Why wasn’t this behaviour nipped in the bud sooner?? Does she work full time? She 100% can afford a room in a share house if she is.

Dishwashersaurous · 15/03/2024 10:40

Her behaviour is not normal.

Your behaviour facilitating her for years and years to act like this is not normal.

You need to step up and actually parent.

And parent an adult, which is what a twenty year old, not a child.

You need to calmly sit down and explain that multiple adults live in this house and they all need to pull their weight. Therefore she needs to chores, and she needs to pay rent.

Obeast · 15/03/2024 10:42

There's no need to choose between your husband and your daughter, as PP have said. Correct the woman's behaviour, her filthy, rude behaviour should never have been indulged.
Tell her you will no longer be providing a taxi service or cleaning or cooking services. She is to pay towards the bills. The whole point in having a kid is to raise a functional member of society.

dizzydizzydizzy · 15/03/2024 10:47

BobbyBiscuits · 15/03/2024 09:46

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I think @BobbyBiscuits has got it just right.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 15/03/2024 10:49

As others have said, you need to sort her behaviour out.

I’ve had the same with my 20 yr old son. He now does the majority of the house work and cleaning (Tues he did 6 hrs!) as he’s at college, works PT and doesn’t financially contribute so understands he has to pay his way in the way he can.

I explained to him that I didn’t want to live like a nagging mum and child and that at 20 we should start
considering how he would live in a house share and what would be fair.

Its sooo hard to transition the relationship with from teenage to young adult but can be done with good communication

LenaLamont · 15/03/2024 10:49

It’s not normal, it’s not Most Daughters, it’s not most 20 year olds…

You have a DD problem, not a DH problem. You’ve raised a self-entitled brat.

Original poster

Tiredaf1 · 15/03/2024 11:03

Thank you all, she's on the spectrum, but holds down and job, has friends a boyfriend and went through mainstream school and 6th form so this is why I consider her vulnerable. She's wonderful when her moods aren't taking over and I love her to bits. The husband isn't new we've been together 14 years and is the most calm man on the planet. This is the only thing we argue about and I totally see his point. I just don't want her to leave before she's ready. We've done the whole lot, got help had talks etc, but nothing changes.

She uses our ensuite due to the state she has the main bathroom in and her bedroom too.. I know I know I know... I'm hearing it all now that I say it on here.

OP posts:

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/03/2024 11:04

she's very explosive and self centered but isn't that most "daughters".

No, it is not.

Obeast · 15/03/2024 11:09

So what do you plan to do?
Help and chats haven't worked, she's trashing your house and marriage and you don't want her to move out, so surely the only option is divorce?

CommentNow · 15/03/2024 11:13

None of you should be making reactive decisions. Sit down and talk. Clearly the outbursts are unacceptable. Mess is unacceptable. You and DH need to present these boundaries and enforce them effectively and follow up with consequences. It's the same as parenting a toddler, except that the consequence is moving out if she cannot meet basic expectations.

But a calm conversation between you and DH and then all 3 of you is essential to try resetting the relationship.

Obeast · 15/03/2024 11:16

@CommentNow 'We've done the whole lot, got help had talks etc, but nothing changes.'

Herdinggoats · 15/03/2024 11:17

The poor man sounds at the end of his tether. I think you need to accept that your daughter has driven the situation to a point where you do need to make a choice.

The fact she has a boyfriend, manages to hold down a job and has friends leads me to think that she can be kind, polite and respectful when she chooses, but she isn’t prepared to do this in your home. If she is working, why can’t she afford to move out-obviously she won’t be able to buy a property, but most youngsters starting out get a flat share and this should be within her reach.

Obviously you can let her stay, but I would assume that your husband won’t, you will then need to be realistic as to what will happen to the family home anyway? Can you afford to keep it by yourself? Will your daughter end up having to move out anyway.

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