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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to do play dates / parent meet ups?

31 replies

Lello452 · 15/03/2024 08:52

I have ADHD and a chronic illness. I don't 'look' disabled but do struggle day to day. I live by the spoons method and all of my spoons are spent by the afternoon. 1 of my children is also disabled with complex care needs. The ADHD part means I'm in a constant state of overwhelm. My DH works nights and neither of us have much if any spare time.

I'm struggling with a sense of obligation and guilt about play dates for my middle child (age 6)

She has a lovely friend her age who we met at an event last year, me and her mum became friendly and do meet ups and play dates with just the two girls, meaning my DH keeps my other 2 with him. It sounds great in theory but just doesn't work right now.

It's not something my older DC with special needs would participate in (and to be honest as he needs a 2-1 most of the time when out it wouldn't be fair to DD to bring him as it would mean all of my focus would be on him)

The problem is I'm now finding it stressful and hard to commit to.

We have children in three different settings so afternoons are full on as it is and weekends aren't possible as DD's friend goes to her dad's. Whatever day during the week we arrange, means our routine is up in the air and DH has to lose sleep to facilitate it most of the time.

I've had to cancel a few times which makes me feel guilty because I know its important to make an effort with other mums for her sake and its not fair to mess people around. I'm just so burnt out and have come to see it as just another demand on my time which stresses me out 😔

I know it's important for DD to have a life beyond being the sibling of a child with special needs and that's why we've pushed through until now. I will say, she does have a lovely group of friends at school, we make an effort to get her to every party she's invited to and I do little days out on the weekend just the two of us so she isn't missing out on much, or is she?

Would I be unreasonable to knock it on the head for now?

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 15/03/2024 09:01

At 6 she can go to a friend's house to play without you.
(The other mum will understand you can't have the children to play at your house because of your other child's disability)

Original poster
Lello452 · 15/03/2024 09:13

Needmorelego · 15/03/2024 09:01

At 6 she can go to a friend's house to play without you.
(The other mum will understand you can't have the children to play at your house because of your other child's disability)

I'd be more than happy for her to go to her friends house and play (though wouldn't expect that of the mum regularly)

The problem is the invitations for play dates are at places like soft play, going to do XYZ or whatever else and for me to come along with her for a parents catch up. It sounds lovely in theory but is always at a time that doesn't work for our family and to be completely honest, if I do have the odd hour or so child free, I would much prefer to spend it alone recharging 😬

Edited to add, I don't think she does understand why play dates at my place wouldn't work. She's a truly lovely person but I don't think she grasps how different life is for me with my DS.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/03/2024 09:15

Why would DH have to lose sleep for an afternoon meet up?

MrsO3 · 15/03/2024 09:18

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/03/2024 09:15

Why would DH have to lose sleep for an afternoon meet up?

Because OP said he works nights….

JigglySmithers · 15/03/2024 09:18

I think you need to suck it up. You're both making too much of a deal out of it. An hour at soft play etc. After school isn't the mountain you're making it out to be. Even with your special needs child. Are they the type to be able to come along and just sit and watch an ipad for example? Why is your husband losing sleep over it. My child has AUDHD and my husband is away a lot we just sit her with ipad and headphones when needed when I have to take the other swimming lessons/playdates etc.

TheHorneSection · 15/03/2024 09:18

Be honest and tell her exactly what you’ve said here. There’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Give her the opportunity to offer to take your DD if she wants to, if I was her I would, and wouldn’t expect any reciprocation.

NineofPopes · 15/03/2024 09:18

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/03/2024 09:15

Why would DH have to lose sleep for an afternoon meet up?

He works nights and is presumably sleeping in the afternoons?

OP, explain to this child’s mother why you can’t host, and why meeting at soft play is too difficult, but say your DD would love to play at her house if she’s ok with that occasionally. And you will reciprocate if it’s possible in the future.

FlamingoYellow · 15/03/2024 09:18

Barrenfieldoffucks · 15/03/2024 09:15

Why would DH have to lose sleep for an afternoon meet up?

Because he works nights so needs to sleep during the daytime?

OP just be honest with the other mum. If she's nice then I'm sure she'll be understanding.

Coolblur · 15/03/2024 09:20

If I were the mum of DD's friend and you explained it to me like you have done here, I'd be more than happy to have your DD over or take her with us somewhere without any obligation for you to come too or reciprocate. Maybe you could tell her how it is and see what happens

benjoin · 15/03/2024 09:22

I'm a bit confused about the family set up but I think it's really important if there is a way to do this for your 6 year old that you do that. If the situation is hard can you try and reduce the frequency so its like once a month? Have you explained it to the other mum?

MrsO3 · 15/03/2024 09:28

@Lello452 could you invite the friends for a play date just as a trial? I know you say play dates at yours won’t work but it might worth a try? Your son would be in his home environment which would make things a little easier than being out with him and your other children. Plus if you arranged it for a time when DH was home as well to be there to help then it may relieve you a little. Your DD and her friend would go off to play together and that way you and the other mum could have a coffee and a catch up. It might work or it may be complete chaos! But least then she would see how tricky it is for you and she will probably invite your DD to hers for future play dates so that they don’t miss out?
Explain to her what you’ve said on here and I’m sure your friend will understand as you say she is really lovely (:

Needmorelego · 15/03/2024 09:29

@Lello452 sorry to hear the other mum doesn't fully understand.
Are there other friends your daughter could get together with?
(This modern "play date" thing does make things more complicated sometimes - in my day it was just "going round Sarah's house to play" 🙂)

Original poster
Lello452 · 15/03/2024 09:35

JigglySmithers · 15/03/2024 09:18

I think you need to suck it up. You're both making too much of a deal out of it. An hour at soft play etc. After school isn't the mountain you're making it out to be. Even with your special needs child. Are they the type to be able to come along and just sit and watch an ipad for example? Why is your husband losing sleep over it. My child has AUDHD and my husband is away a lot we just sit her with ipad and headphones when needed when I have to take the other swimming lessons/playdates etc.

DH isn't making a big deal out of it and he never complains, this is all me.

He loses sleep because he doesn't get to bed until gone 10am, on days something like this is happening (soft play after school) he'll then have to get up at around 2.15 for the others coming home. It's not fair and he's permanently knackered as it is.

DS can't cope with things like soft play he finds all of the noise and bright lights distressing.

I did try taking him along to park meet ups last year but the result was me running after him constantly as he runs away, then meltdowns. It doesn't work as the other mum likes to relax and chat over coffee and you just can't do that when out with DS if it's just you watching him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lello452 · 15/03/2024 09:42

benjoin · 15/03/2024 09:22

I'm a bit confused about the family set up but I think it's really important if there is a way to do this for your 6 year old that you do that. If the situation is hard can you try and reduce the frequency so its like once a month? Have you explained it to the other mum?

Three children between the age of 2 and 7.

One is in a special needs school, one is in a mainstream primary and the youngest goes to an unconnected nursery 2 days per week for half days.

DH works nights, I'm a carer for DS but have a disability myself so do require support (he never begrudges that or complains)

I haven't spoken to the other mum about it yet no, I've just done my best to commit to it because I felt it was important for DD. I'm just struggling now so do need to speak to her really.

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 15/03/2024 10:22

I would try and meet up with them once a month or even once every 6 weeks (think this would be enough to keep the friendship), they are both in school and her friend can’t do weekends so it’s not like they can see each other all the time. It would be nice to keep the friendship though.

How many nights does your husband work? If he has a night off in the week could you meet the next afternoon then he won’t be losing any sleep.

Also talk to the mum about your situation. Maybe she could have your DD over for a play date at her house one month and then the next month you could meet at soft play then you only have to go yourself once every 2 months. Tell her if you can you will have her DD over in the future (once they are a bit older it will be a lot easier).

BogRollBOGOF · 15/03/2024 10:24

Talk to the mum, tell her that DD is avaliable and loves playing with the other child, but your other family commitments and needs mean that you can't regularly join in or reciprocate. If she's a decent person, she'll understand the challenges and support the friendship.

It's important for DD to have normal social time where practical.

GameOfJones · 15/03/2024 10:27

I think you should be upfront with the other mum and explain.

I would happily have your DD over to play without you there if you explained your situation. If she's a decent person, she'll understand and it doesn't have to be a regular thing but it would be good for your child to have some time playing at a friend's house.

PurplePansy05 · 15/03/2024 10:35

Lello452 · 15/03/2024 09:42

Three children between the age of 2 and 7.

One is in a special needs school, one is in a mainstream primary and the youngest goes to an unconnected nursery 2 days per week for half days.

DH works nights, I'm a carer for DS but have a disability myself so do require support (he never begrudges that or complains)

I haven't spoken to the other mum about it yet no, I've just done my best to commit to it because I felt it was important for DD. I'm just struggling now so do need to speak to her really.

Show quote history

I would speak openly to the other mum. She sounds very friendly and your daughters get on, I think it's important this bond is preserved and I think if you open up to the other mum she will have a better understanding of how busy and challenging juggling the three of them is for you at the moment. I don't blame her that she wants to take her DD out, have a coffee and chat with you and a playdate for the girls. It's probably something different to do for her, she cleatly enjoys your company if it's a regular thing and nice for your girls to burn some energy.

It sounds like the issue here is that your timetables don't align that well at the moment. I'd be honest that you'd love to continue as regularly as you can, but it might not be as frequent as now because the logistics of it affect your DH and other DCs right now. Reach out to her next time to arrange something. I think it would be a shame to cut this off, perhaps you could compromise by less frequent get together, something closer to your home, maybe an occasional play date for your DD at hers if she's ok with it, maybe something on a weekend (if there's ever a weekend she has with her mum - does her mum not have her on weekends ever?) or early evening? Why can't your DH have the other two kids in the early evening by himself? He wouldn't need to get up early for this?

Original poster
Lello452 · 15/03/2024 10:51

Thank you for the replies. I'll have the conversation and hopefully she'll understand.

DH works 4 nights a week, sometimes 5 If he's doing overtime which he will be this week. The other mum has a lot of hobbies and other commitments herself which makes it hard to find a day that suits both of us.

I think between my health, neurodiversity and having a special needs child.. I don't have much, if anything, left to 'give' and find things like this to be like pouring from an empty cup.

She drives and I don't (due to epilepsy) so what takes her no time to get to takes us upwards of 45 minutes to an hour. Two hours of travelling about after school is a PITA and just feels like a load of faff I could do without when I'm pulled in enough directions as it is 😕

OP posts:
Candleabra · 15/03/2024 10:56

Be honest with her. She probably thinks you enjoy the trips and it’s a break for you. She won’t realise how difficult and draining the meet ups are. How she responds is unknown - but if it was me I wouldn’t want to make anyone’s life more difficult.

Undethetree · 15/03/2024 11:00

Just be honest with her. I have a friend who has told me that she can't cope with other children at her house due to neurodiversity so I host her children when they want to play. They're lovely kids and I don't mind at all.
Is it worth trying playdates at yours without the mum? (I have an ASD child and I understand that might also be difficult tho)

PurplePansy05 · 15/03/2024 11:00

Lello452 · 15/03/2024 10:51

Thank you for the replies. I'll have the conversation and hopefully she'll understand.

DH works 4 nights a week, sometimes 5 If he's doing overtime which he will be this week. The other mum has a lot of hobbies and other commitments herself which makes it hard to find a day that suits both of us.

I think between my health, neurodiversity and having a special needs child.. I don't have much, if anything, left to 'give' and find things like this to be like pouring from an empty cup.

She drives and I don't (due to epilepsy) so what takes her no time to get to takes us upwards of 45 minutes to an hour. Two hours of travelling about after school is a PITA and just feels like a load of faff I could do without when I'm pulled in enough directions as it is 😕

Aw OP. It sounds like you're doing a lot for your DCs and you've got an uphill struggle. I'm sorry to hear it's tough. Can your DH drive you sometimes and/or take the other two somewhere then pick you up, would that be an option?

I think you need to explain you're epileptic and don't drive and how long it takes you, I think this is a key point as well and she might not be aware of any of this.

Universalsnail · 15/03/2024 11:01

Why not be honest about your difficulties with the other Mum and see if the other Mum is happy to take your child out with hers without you needing to go along 🙂

RampantIvy · 15/03/2024 11:09

Coolblur · 15/03/2024 09:20

If I were the mum of DD's friend and you explained it to me like you have done here, I'd be more than happy to have your DD over or take her with us somewhere without any obligation for you to come too or reciprocate. Maybe you could tell her how it is and see what happens

Yes, I would do the same.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/03/2024 11:14

You just need to explain that with three children of different ages and needs you are limited to at home playdates of limited length (maybe 2 hours). This is totally reasonable and makes clear that you value the friendship and want to support it.

You can't just opt out of playdates, as tempting as that might be - they do cement friendships.