Not to do play dates / parent meet ups?

[Lello452]

I have ADHD and a chronic illness. I don't 'look' disabled but do struggle day to day. I live by the spoons method and all of my spoons are spent by the afternoon. 1 of my children is also disabled with complex care needs. The ADHD part means I'm in a constant state of overwhelm. My DH works nights and neither of us have much if any spare time.

I'm struggling with a sense of obligation and guilt about play dates for my middle child (age 6)

She has a lovely friend her age who we met at an event last year, me and her mum became friendly and do meet ups and play dates with just the two girls, meaning my DH keeps my other 2 with him. It sounds great in theory but just doesn't work right now.

It's not something my older DC with special needs would participate in (and to be honest as he needs a 2-1 most of the time when out it wouldn't be fair to DD to bring him as it would mean all of my focus would be on him)

The problem is I'm now finding it stressful and hard to commit to.

We have children in three different settings so afternoons are full on as it is and weekends aren't possible as DD's friend goes to her dad's. Whatever day during the week we arrange, means our routine is up in the air and DH has to lose sleep to facilitate it most of the time.

I've had to cancel a few times which makes me feel guilty because I know its important to make an effort with other mums for her sake and its not fair to mess people around. I'm just so burnt out and have come to see it as just another demand on my time which stresses me out 😔

I know it's important for DD to have a life beyond being the sibling of a child with special needs and that's why we've pushed through until now. I will say, she does have a lovely group of friends at school, we make an effort to get her to every party she's invited to and I do little days out on the weekend just the two of us so she isn't missing out on much, or is she?

Would I be unreasonable to knock it on the head for now?

I have a chronic illness and have found playdates with parents included are really difficult.

At 6 they are generally at the age where they can manage a playdate at someone's house without the parent in tow. Communicating this can be the harder thing. I tend to go with 'would X like to come to play, you could drop off at 2pm and pick up at 5pm?'

I find hosting a playdate (for 6yr olds) easier than going to somewhere like softplay and having to use energy on small talk with the parents.

They are aren't they?

I tend to feel like I have to be 'on' for the duration of the meet up, being enthusiastic and chatty, and that is definitely part of the problem for me.

As much as poor DH's lack of sleep is a problem, I would be lying if I said I don't find the forced socialising difficult. I am what I suppose somebody might call a bit of an introvert. I need time alone to recharge and don't get much of that as it is.

I would be open to having DD's friend round for an afternoon when DH is about to help with DS, I would just find a parent & child guest combination so awkward and it feels like too much pressure.

I'd message and say whilst it's lovely for dc to play it's a struggle to meet up due to lack of childcare and you can't bring other children due to their needs. .

She may offer to take her.

I have found some people receptive to you inviting child only, and others want the parent there too. I think by 6, without parent is fairly normal which should help. Also you have a pre existing friendship which should help with the negotiations. I would be very clear, don't leave anything ambiguous. I learned this the hard way when a parent assumed they were invited and stayed 3 hrs and totally exhausted me! Be very upfront - 'would X like to come and play, sorry I can't offer to host you too as I need to get some jobs done while they play.'

Possibly although unlikely in today's case as she's taking her DD to her dad's straight after soft play.

I've worked myself up into a right flap about today but I think if I cancel again (I had to last time) She probably isn't going to bother again and who could blame her?

Oh gosh that's my worst nightmare 😂

Thank you, I'll definitely take it on**board.