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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Normal from a friend or weirdly controlling?

71 replies

InTheColdColdNight · 14/03/2024 22:19

I have a friend, let's call him Adam. We're not amazingly close but hang out occasionally, he's naturally quite a secretive person and doesn't like me discussing anything about him with mutual friends, which I am fine with. Through this friend I have met another friend, let's call him Bill. I have only ever spent time with Bill when I have also been with Adam.

Adam asked me to organise for him and Bill to do a class that they are both interested in. It's quicker for me to do it as I have the connections and so I agreed. To register them, I needed Bill's phone number, which Adam gave me. Once I had registered them, I text Adam and I also text Bill to tell them some info. I guess I didn't need to text Bill as Adam would have passed on the information, but I like Bill and thought it would be friendly to tell him directly. Bill thanked me and we didn't text again. After this, when talking to Adam, he implied that he wasn't happy that I had text Bill and said there was no need to text him. Strictly speaking, it's true, I didn't need to text him, but equally I didn't see it as being problematic.

The course assessment was supposed to be Tuesday, but they got the day wrong and didn't turn up. Adam was very apologetic and asked if I could rearrange it for another day. I agreed and contacted the organiser to get another assessment day. The organiser replied with another potential date, so I text Adam to see if that date would work. It's now been 24 hours and although he's been on WhatsApp he hasn't read my message.

I don't know how much Bill knows about me rearranging the assessment but I don't want him to miss out on the class just because Adam is - for whatever reason - not responding to me. This isn't the first time he has ignored my message for more than a day. I need to respond to the course organiser and I don't want Bill to miss out, but I know Adam won't like it if I text Bill again. My idea was to text Bill, ask him if he can make the date, organise it for him and then text Adam to say that if he still wants to do it, he will need to organise it himself as I can't wait indefinitely for him to respond. I don't want to seem petty by not organising it for him, but I'm doing him a favour and he can't even find the time to say "that date works for me, thanks".

I'm too in the situation to be able to tell if he is being unreasonable by not wanting me to contact his friend or if I am being unreasonable by texting him when I know Adam is uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:
Nn9011 · 14/03/2024 22:21

It's not normal adult behaviour to be annoyed at a friend for texting someone they are organising something for. Your friend is being completely unreasonable and acting like a 6 year old in the school playground fighting over a best friend.

NuffSaidSam · 14/03/2024 22:22

That's given me a headache reading it!

Of course it's fine for you to text Bill, sounds like a bunch of nine year olds!

I'm not clear why having missed the assessment day they needed you to sort a new one. Surely between them they could speak to the person who's class they're in?

Springsombrero · 14/03/2024 22:22

Maybe try giving Adam a ring now that you’re in this situation, but also definitely quit the role of organising this stuff for them!

NineofPopes · 14/03/2024 22:24

Let them sort it out for themselves from now on. Next time you see Adam, tell him to grow up.

GameOfJones · 14/03/2024 22:25

NuffSaidSam · 14/03/2024 22:22

That's given me a headache reading it!

Of course it's fine for you to text Bill, sounds like a bunch of nine year olds!

I'm not clear why having missed the assessment day they needed you to sort a new one. Surely between them they could speak to the person who's class they're in?

Totally agree. This sounds overly complicated.

There is no issue with you texting Bill. If Adam has an issue with it that is downright bizarre.

Circumferences · 14/03/2024 22:25

Are you shagging Adam?

LSTMS30555 · 14/03/2024 22:25

Text Bill why should he miss out.
Text Adam tell him he's childish & probably has now missed out!

InTheColdColdNight · 14/03/2024 22:34

Circumferences · 14/03/2024 22:25

Are you shagging Adam?

No, but I sometimes get the impression that he would like a FWB situation with me. That is absolutely not an option in my view!

Even so, I don't know why that would mean I can't text his friend.

OP posts:
kiwiane · 14/03/2024 22:35

Whilst Adam is controlling I find this dynamic strange - I would stop being their go between for the course now. If you want to text Bill that’s up to you.

Dacadactyl · 14/03/2024 22:37

Adam sounds like a total PITA and I'd already have lost patience with him.

Do what you think is best in this situation.

alexdgr8 · 14/03/2024 22:46

why are you tiptoeing around this weirdo ?
you talk as if he is your boss and you have to check the correct protocol for liaising with other agencies.
he's not. you do not have to check with or defer to him.
it sounds an unhealthy dynamic.
if i was your aunt, i would counsel caution.
put some distance between you; i don't like the sound of him.
gradually ease off contact, don't meet him alone.
be vague, be busy.
look after yourself.

sunights · 14/03/2024 22:46

Set up at whats app group with the course name.

Invite both Adam and Bill.

Write intro message saying you are using this group to keep them both up to date so you can assure the assessor/course organiser that you are passing on info in a timely way.

Provide all info and updates to this group.

If Adam gets antsy about it, drop him and marry Bill.

xsquared · 14/03/2024 22:47

Why is Adam annoyed at you texting Bill? He's your friend too. He sounds weirdly possessive, which is grounds for mistrust.

When you mentioned Adam was secretive, that was already a red flag to me. It's fine for people to keep things private, but being secretive suggests he has something to hide.

ZebraD · 14/03/2024 22:48

Why don’t you just ring Adam and find out?!

Circumferences · 14/03/2024 22:56

Even so, I don't know why that would mean I can't text his friend

because he's a jealous, controlling, overbearing weirdo.

Noseybookworm · 15/03/2024 00:45

Call Adam and ask him about the rearranged date. If he doesn't answer, I'd message him and say I've tried to call and text but no reply so you will need to sort this out with the course leader for yourself and Bill. Then let them get on with it. He is taking the piss!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 15/03/2024 00:49

He may think there is no reason for you to text Bill directly, but at the same time, there is no reason for you NOT to text Bill directly.

Text Bill with the information, say 'As I haven't heard back from Adam I just wanted to make sure you got the new dates'. If Adam raises it again, ask him directly what the problem is with you texting Bill directly. He doesn't get to be possessive of people like that.

Redwhiteandstripey · 15/03/2024 00:56

Ring Adam.

AlwaysFreezing · 15/03/2024 01:03

Adam is twat.

I like the group chat idea. And I'd start with, I've tried to get hold of Adam so he could pass the info onto you Bill, but he's not responding and Claire needs to know if this date works. New date and time is... This is her number, let her know directly, ASAP. Good luck both!

And then sack Adam off.

Fecked · 15/03/2024 01:10

Send Adam the contact details of the organisers and stop being involved.

Fecked · 15/03/2024 01:10

You’re not their secretary

InTheColdColdNight · 15/03/2024 12:36

Fecked · 15/03/2024 01:10

You’re not their secretary

No, indeed. And now I really feel like it.

Adam text me this morning before I had the chance to text Bill. 'Morning, can you give me the time I need to be there'. I told him the time. 'Yep, I can do that'.

No please, no thank you. No 'it's so kind of you to organise this'. Even a paid secretary would get better manners than this.

I've never done a favour for Adam before. And I think I never will again.

We weren't that close, so I'm not sad about losing the friendship. I am sad that he would treat me like this. I had a higher opinion of him than this.

OP posts:
MiltonNorthern · 15/03/2024 12:38

Stop this! It's madness. Stop arranging things for them.

KreedKafer · 15/03/2024 12:39

Adam is a complete arsehole and no, his behaviour isn't normal. I'm not sure why you'd be friends with someone who carries on like that, to be honest!

TheSnowyOwl · 15/03/2024 12:41

Why don’t you just do a WhatsApp group with Adam and Bill and repeat what you said to Adam in his individual message and say can you get back to me to confirm as we can go separately, it doesn’t need to be a group if just one or two of us want to do it.

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