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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Normal from a friend or weirdly controlling?

71 replies

InTheColdColdNight · 14/03/2024 22:19

I have a friend, let's call him Adam. We're not amazingly close but hang out occasionally, he's naturally quite a secretive person and doesn't like me discussing anything about him with mutual friends, which I am fine with. Through this friend I have met another friend, let's call him Bill. I have only ever spent time with Bill when I have also been with Adam.

Adam asked me to organise for him and Bill to do a class that they are both interested in. It's quicker for me to do it as I have the connections and so I agreed. To register them, I needed Bill's phone number, which Adam gave me. Once I had registered them, I text Adam and I also text Bill to tell them some info. I guess I didn't need to text Bill as Adam would have passed on the information, but I like Bill and thought it would be friendly to tell him directly. Bill thanked me and we didn't text again. After this, when talking to Adam, he implied that he wasn't happy that I had text Bill and said there was no need to text him. Strictly speaking, it's true, I didn't need to text him, but equally I didn't see it as being problematic.

The course assessment was supposed to be Tuesday, but they got the day wrong and didn't turn up. Adam was very apologetic and asked if I could rearrange it for another day. I agreed and contacted the organiser to get another assessment day. The organiser replied with another potential date, so I text Adam to see if that date would work. It's now been 24 hours and although he's been on WhatsApp he hasn't read my message.

I don't know how much Bill knows about me rearranging the assessment but I don't want him to miss out on the class just because Adam is - for whatever reason - not responding to me. This isn't the first time he has ignored my message for more than a day. I need to respond to the course organiser and I don't want Bill to miss out, but I know Adam won't like it if I text Bill again. My idea was to text Bill, ask him if he can make the date, organise it for him and then text Adam to say that if he still wants to do it, he will need to organise it himself as I can't wait indefinitely for him to respond. I don't want to seem petty by not organising it for him, but I'm doing him a favour and he can't even find the time to say "that date works for me, thanks".

I'm too in the situation to be able to tell if he is being unreasonable by not wanting me to contact his friend or if I am being unreasonable by texting him when I know Adam is uncomfortable with it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/03/2024 18:08

Adam is a garden variety fuckwit and this whole thing is a fucking ordeal. I'd be signing off.

changemyspots · 15/03/2024 18:11

I hope this course isn’t event management

or anything that requires basic organisational and communication skills!

InTheColdColdNight · 15/03/2024 18:15

Chaoseverywhere · 15/03/2024 17:58

And we can all see that. So can Adam. Therein lies the problem.

You know, that never occured to me!

OP posts:
InTheColdColdNight · 15/03/2024 18:16

changemyspots · 15/03/2024 18:11

I hope this course isn’t event management

or anything that requires basic organisational and communication skills!

That would be hilarious!

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 15/03/2024 18:17

Just text Bill, and away with the consequences!

NineofPopes · 15/03/2024 18:20

InTheColdColdNight · 15/03/2024 18:16

That would be hilarious!

Yes, I did find myself speculating about the training being something like, I don’t know, an air traffic control pre-selection aptitude course or something. And then I imagined Adam and Bill texting the OP to ask her what they should to do with two 747s on a collision course…

WhateverMate · 15/03/2024 18:21

Just tell these two useless fuckwits to do their own bidding.

It's bad enough you ran around after them the first time, but to agree to do it again after they got the day wrong???

KTheGrey · 15/03/2024 18:31

Poor Bill. Adam is a total liability. Is Bill the one who drives, by any chance?

webster1987 · 15/03/2024 19:24

Just text Bill. Adam can go fuck himself if it bothers him, entirely on him

Evaka · 15/03/2024 19:29

YABVVVU for being friends with a whack job who tells you who you can and can't message. Bin Adam's ass.

Roryhon · 15/03/2024 19:33

I’d text Adam saying you had sorted a place for them on the Tuesday but Adam seems to think he’s booked for the Monday, even though there isn’t a course that day. Remind them that they’ve already missed one course last week, and as it’s turning into a big mix up this time too, you think it’s better if they sort it out themselves as you just don’t have time to keep trying to organise it and really didn’t expect it to be such a big deal.

InTheColdColdNight · 15/03/2024 19:43

I've emailed the course director and apologised yet again. I told him this is just crazy and that I've told the men that we can't all be trying to do the same thing at once. I've asked that anything I've booked be cancelled and I'll just leave it for the men to organise when they go on Monday.

I then text Adam and told him that this mess is entirely down to his poor communication skills. I said that our communication style is just too different and largely incompatible.

He replied that he was sorry but he didn't know that Bill had arranged for them to go on Monday.
Well he would know if he had better communication skills and actually talked to people!

I didn't reply to his text. I think that's the end of any friendship between us. I don't dislike him but I don't really want to spend time with him any more. I'm a bit sad but he behaved in a really entitled manner and I just can't be bothered with him any more.

He text again 2 hours later with 'have I upset you?' and then 'sorry'. Now I feel guilty. There is a chance he was unaware of everything that was happening. But on the other hand, if he had have actually text me like a normal person, none of this would have happened. It's just rude to not respond to me for a day, especially when I'm texting him for his benefit.

OP posts:
citrinetrilogy · 15/03/2024 19:55

I think you need to tell him that you're not upset, but furious that he used you as some sort of unpaid secretary, and even more furious that he got the arsehole with you when you sent the details to both him and Bill instead of just him.

Roryhon · 15/03/2024 19:57

Don’t feel guilty. He messed you about, didn’t say thank you, told you off for texting the other guy and has only apologised now you’ve stopped replying (something he did to you without a second thought!). If you’d feel better, perhaps text back “yes I am a bit upset. Just let me have a bit of space for a bit please.” Then you can decide what you want to do in a bit.

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/03/2024 20:21

This is nuts. Even if you were shagging Adam or in a relationship with him it would be weird and controlling of him to veto you from contacting Bill. If you're not even romantically involved its utterly ridiculous. You don't get to veto who your friends do and don't speak to.

And why does a pair of grown men need you to sort this out for them? Couldn't they have done it themselves?

Larasbra · 15/03/2024 20:36

Adam is a wanker

PostItInABook · 15/03/2024 20:39

Are you Adams PA or something? Get the lazy fucker to sort his own life admin out. He’s a cheeky twat who is taking proper advantage of you and being a dickhead. Tell him to fuck off.

opentoadvice88 · 15/03/2024 20:42

I repeat other posters, this is nuts and I wouldn’t engage with it anymore. What a total waste of energy.

Hatty65 · 15/03/2024 20:50

Text Adam 'I'm irritated, rather than upset. You wasted a lot of my time, when I was trying to help you out. I'm not your PA and I won't be available to do admin work again'.

Copy Bill in.

InTheColdColdNight · 15/03/2024 21:58

This is nuts. Even if you were shagging Adam or in a relationship with him it would be weird and controlling of him to veto you from contacting Bill. If you're not even romantically involved its utterly ridiculous. You don't get to veto who your friends do and don't speak to.

He didn't actually say I couldn't speak to him, it's more that he implied that it's a bit odd for me to be texting this man that I hardly knew. So then I felt a bit foolish. But it's not like I was texting him asking to go for dinner with him, I was just passing on information about the assessment. I don't think he actually thought it was weird, it was more that he doesn't want me texting Bill. He knew he couldn't outright say it, so used this tactic instead.

I text Adam to say that I'm not upset but that we have very different texting styles (i.e. he thinks it's ok to ignore me when he can't be bothered with me). I said that it's this difference in communication that has lead to this mess and I told him that next time he needs help that he can ask someone he's more chatty with.

That was around 2 hours ago. He read it and ignored it.

I think he really wants to keep our friendship, but entirely on his terms.

OP posts:
citrinetrilogy · 15/03/2024 22:55

I think he really wants to keep our friendship, but entirely on his terms.

Yes, well if he thinks that, he's got another think coming, hasn't he?

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