To be cobsidering changing our choice of secondary school for friendships

[Applescruffle]

Damn typo in the title!! Can I change it??

DS is in Y6. He's had the same best friend (A) since Y1. They've been extremely close, always played together, done everything together, and never really had any other friends other than each other. Joined at the hip every day. A has spent a lot of time at our house, lots of sleepovers and many days out together, many happy memories over the years.
When they didn't get into the same class to go into Y6, they were both devastated. Both crying themselves to sleep every night. Thankfully, the teachers saw how bad it was and they were put back together.
When the time came to apply to secondary school, DS insisted he go to the same school as A. He has been really anxious about secondary school (I have been too) and said he just doesn't feel he could cope if he wasn't in the same school as A. A was pretty much gaurenteed a place in the school his sisters go to. So we only put down that school as a choice, and thankfully, we got it. DS was so relieved.
Last weekend, A stayed over. I noticed something wasn't right between them. There is usually constant laughter coming from his room, the two of them running about, having loads of fun and staying up really late. But this time it just seemed so subdued, and like they were hardly even talking to each other. I asked when he left if something had happened between them and DS said A was in a "funny mood".
We've had a long chat tonight and he's said for a couple of months now, A hasn't really been his friend. He's been hanging around with two other kids and he has even been making fun of DS a bit, laughing at his interests with his two other friends. One of these two other friends will be in the same school as DS and A. They are not partners in PE any more and don't sit next to each other. Hes being left out of games. They barely speak. DS is really upset and I feel upset too. This kid was almost part of the family at one point. I have a wierd sinking feeling.
He has however, been getting closer to another kid who he seems to have a lot in common with and this boy has been over a few times now too, and then chat online a lot and seem to be growing close. Sadly, he's got into a different secondary school.
So my dilemma is this - would you consider seeing if you could get DS into the other school that this newer friend is in? We are in the catchment so there's a chance and it's just as good a school as the other one. Or would you stay with the school allocated and see how things pan out?
I know this may seem an over reaction and really trivial but friendships are really important to DS, he's not brilliant at making friends, tends to only have one or two, hates big groups, I hate to think of him having no-one. I'm so sad this lovely long friendship is coming to an end. They were like brothers.

Sorry that was so long and thank you if you made it this far!!

I'd pick the more suitable school and remember that his friendships will probably change as soon as he's in a new class.

Is he an only child or have other similar aged peers in the family with which he can have friendships with? You know best and it's a difficult situation. What happens if he doesn't gel with more than 1 person in the new school? He may find a new bunch of people to play with. Has there been any attempts to widen his friendship circle?

Yep you need to pick based on the suitability of the school rather than individual friends.

If he struggles with groups/friendships etc which school has the best pastoral support? Which school has the most supportive environment? Which school does well in subjects he enjoys?

I think it was a poor decision in the first place to pick a school purely based off one child, it sounds really desperate and needy and the other boy (and maybe his family) have picked up on that and are now trying to distance themselves.

Did you only choose the school you’ve gotten into because of A? If no friends were going to any of the schools, which school should your son go to? I would try to secure a place in that school. Choosing schools based on friendship groups is never a good idea. Both of my children made all new friends at secondary.

Secondary will be a totally different mix of children, regardless of which friend he follows. Don't rely on one individual. Which school is a better fit and has more opportunities for him to find a wider group of friends?

Honestly, most close primary friendships come apart at secondary IME - sometimes one friend even turns on the other (eg sometimes one friend falls in with a 'cool' new crowd who don't like old friend so they turn on them to get clout with the cool new friends), which can be incredibly hurtful. Or one child matures much sooner than the other and they just drift apart because their interests are different.

I think if you do stay with the same school, I would ask that your son and the old friend aren’t in the same form.

I chose a school for my youngest that whilst my other children do go to, wasn’t the same school as his ‘friends’ were going to and that he could have gone to. He has made lots of new friends and doesn’t really see the old ones at all.

I definitely would not choose the school based on primary friends. It is highly unlikely he will still be friends with primary school friends by the end of secondary. He will meet kids he has even more in common with. Secondary schools also often put kids into form groups purposely mixed up with kids from other schools so they get a chance to meet others.

Choose based on either location and convenience of getting there in a morning, or performance stats/ethos. Definitely not primary friends.

I have to agree with this, I would feel very uncomfortable if someone was basing a major decision for their child on mine - the friendship sounds way too intense and the your son sounds over reliant on his friend who I imagine has started to feel claustrophobic. But now you have latched onto someone else's kid and want you son to be with them instead - what if they fall-out too? In your position I would leave well alone and stick to your allotted school, and take a step back.

I feel for your son. But tbh the school shouldn’t have changed their decision re classes in year 6 - probably to his detriment - he wasn’t widening his friendship group away from this one child and in another class that may have helped him grow in confidence before moving on to secondary.

Anyway you are where you are now, and I’d probably leave things as they are. However what does your DS want? where does he want to be? Your post feels a lot like it’s what you want and think ( and I know you are the parent and adult but has he expressed a preference?)

Secondary school means quite often DC meet and make new friends and change who they hang out with anyway, ( also kids you have not met or know) so this new friend he’s made might not be such a good friend once they get past the first few weeks anyway.

One thing struck me in your OP, was you mentioning how anxious YOU are. Could he have picked up on this ? Moving on and change is such an important part of life and learning. I know sometimes it’s hard to make that change, but you cannot keep trying to make things revolve around one friendship or one person, that’s not going to work for him .

However hard it might be or feel now, it will be best for him in the longer term to try to encourage him to meet and make new friends, join some clubs or after school things to give him some confidence and enthusiasm for the changes to come.
And it will all be fine in the end.

If you only put one preference, you won’t be on waiting lists for other schools. Do you know if the other school is under or over subscribed?

Is the school DS has been offered one that you would have chosen anyway, in which case stick with it. If not, you’d have to contact the LA and see whether there are spaces elsewhere, or ask to go on waiting lists.

You've really fucked up by encouraging such an intense friendship. You should have worked on helping your child to widen his friendships and learn to deal with his anxious feelings.

Choose the school that you feel is best suited to him and is easy enough to get to. Encourage him to join clubs/groups outside of school too.

Agree that friendship was way way too intense. Was he encouraged to find other friends? Is he involved in things without A like scouts, sports etc? Too intense/dependent relationships never end well. I'd be very much making sure your son doesn't transfer friendship style with A to this new person. No one person should be everything and it will be soul destroying because they lose everything when the friendships end.

Choose the secondary that is the best fit for your son. Where A or this other person goes is irrelevant. If it's the same as A, I'd ensure they aren't in the same form.

I wish your son the best. Hopefully Secondary is a new experience for him.

It’s most likely a pointless issue as you’re highly unlikely to get a place in another school now. Spend the time making sure your DS feels confident in going to a new school and making new friends.

Could you look at local youth clubs etc to broaden his friendships? It is difficult when your child has had such a close friendship and it changes. Secondary school can change things and broaden friendship groups. You have plenty of time to help him build resilience and confidence before then. I would also talk to the school about your concerns and they can help with getting him secondary school ready. A lot of secondary schools run additional days for children that are anxious etc to help them settle and build friendships. Our local school did this for a girl in my daughter's year and it really helped her.

It is an anxious time as a parent and a big change. I understand you trying to make the transition as smooth as possible.

Is there actually any option of changing school anyway? What does DS think?

In my experience (4 through secondary) even close friendships change quickly once they start a new school. I'd never choose a school based on friendships now even though that seems so important to the children in Y6.

Choose the school that best fits your family and child.

The friendship aside, are you happy with the school he’s been given? If so, request they are put in separate forms and rest assured he will likely make a whole new friendship group in the big pond of secondary. If not, then it wouldn’t hurt to add him to other schools’ waiting lists but there’s no guarantee he’d get somewhere else.

Completely agree that the school and you should have encouraged different/ wider friends much much earlier. My DD was separated from her v exclusive bff at y2 so that they would both actually engage with other people. I'm a teacher of secondary and can absolutely reassure you that it matters not one jot how close 11 year olds are, they will be calling each other dicks and reforming friendship groups every five minutes. Girls tend to get it worse than boys because they do get very intense. Boys friendships are usually less "tight" and more fluid. Pick the best school for him academically and pastorally and encourage friendships outside of school around hobbies, scouts,, etc.

I think you've realised basing secondary school choices on a friendship was a mistake.

Having two gone through into secondary I would agree with all the PP that friendships are extremely fluid in yr 7/8.

Whatever you choose (and your choice may be a moot point considering a change of school may not be a possibility) you need to work hard in developing your son's resilience. Transition to yr 7 is actually tough. He has to work hard at making new friendships and it can be exhausting. He has to have an approachable demeanour which can be hard if he is feeling anxious.

It does sound like you are also extremely anxious and it's interesting that it's taken your son a while to explain what has actually been happening at school with A.

Look at the schools and how they fit your son. Then make your choice based on that. Then spend the rest of the time preparing your son and if he ends up at the same school as A then he needs to give A space. You need to facilitate this by teaching him how to work on making new friends.

It may also be worth making sure he has opportunities outside of school to be with kids eg scouts, youth club, sports etc.

From my own personal experience, DC1 went to a secondary school without any of his friends from primary. He had a very similar friendship story to your own DS! It was the best decision! Clean slate. He did very well, socially. It didn't hinder him at all, leaving his friends from primary school behind (he still meets up with a couple of them. He's 22 now).
DC2 went to the feeder secondary school with all of her primary school friends. Jesus it was awful. Friendships not only fell apart but she was mercilessly bullied by her former friends. She changed schools and never looked back.
My youngest will be in year 6 in September and will go to a different secondary to his friends, partially because we're moving- locally- but mostly because friendships get so weird in year 6 and 7. I'd rather he have the clean slate experience. It's worked twice so far!

Your son sounds like a limpet!
Were you not concerned about your son's overreliance on A?
A decent school would have split them long before y6!

Best pastoral support is paramount here not what friends are at what school. DS struggles to make friends but he is at the best school for pastoral support and sees friends outside of his school.

Best friends are a recipe for disaster. I have actively encouraged my children not to have them for this exact reason. Putting all your friendship eggs in one basket and being reliant on just one person can inevitably be 'toxic'. I don't think you can change schools now but you should certainly talk to DS about making other friends and the fun he will have doing so. Xx

SerenityNowInsanityLater interesting, as I’ve put my DC1’s disastrous secondary experience down to knowing nobody (as we had just moved country). I’ve been very keen for my DC2 and subsequently DC3 when the time comes to go to the local school with almost everyone from their primary.