To be cobsidering changing our choice of secondary school for friendships

[Applescruffle]

Damn typo in the title!! Can I change it??

DS is in Y6. He's had the same best friend (A) since Y1. They've been extremely close, always played together, done everything together, and never really had any other friends other than each other. Joined at the hip every day. A has spent a lot of time at our house, lots of sleepovers and many days out together, many happy memories over the years.
When they didn't get into the same class to go into Y6, they were both devastated. Both crying themselves to sleep every night. Thankfully, the teachers saw how bad it was and they were put back together.
When the time came to apply to secondary school, DS insisted he go to the same school as A. He has been really anxious about secondary school (I have been too) and said he just doesn't feel he could cope if he wasn't in the same school as A. A was pretty much gaurenteed a place in the school his sisters go to. So we only put down that school as a choice, and thankfully, we got it. DS was so relieved.
Last weekend, A stayed over. I noticed something wasn't right between them. There is usually constant laughter coming from his room, the two of them running about, having loads of fun and staying up really late. But this time it just seemed so subdued, and like they were hardly even talking to each other. I asked when he left if something had happened between them and DS said A was in a "funny mood".
We've had a long chat tonight and he's said for a couple of months now, A hasn't really been his friend. He's been hanging around with two other kids and he has even been making fun of DS a bit, laughing at his interests with his two other friends. One of these two other friends will be in the same school as DS and A. They are not partners in PE any more and don't sit next to each other. Hes being left out of games. They barely speak. DS is really upset and I feel upset too. This kid was almost part of the family at one point. I have a wierd sinking feeling.
He has however, been getting closer to another kid who he seems to have a lot in common with and this boy has been over a few times now too, and then chat online a lot and seem to be growing close. Sadly, he's got into a different secondary school.
So my dilemma is this - would you consider seeing if you could get DS into the other school that this newer friend is in? We are in the catchment so there's a chance and it's just as good a school as the other one. Or would you stay with the school allocated and see how things pan out?
I know this may seem an over reaction and really trivial but friendships are really important to DS, he's not brilliant at making friends, tends to only have one or two, hates big groups, I hate to think of him having no-one. I'm so sad this lovely long friendship is coming to an end. They were like brothers.

Sorry that was so long and thank you if you made it this far!!

I have a son the same age & this does not sound healthy at all. Did you not encourage other friendships? Other children over for tea? As a parent you need to be positive about the secondary school otherwise he will pick up on your anxiety. Yes it’s a daunting time for parents but unfortunately it’s real life and we have to prepare them for that. Try not to invest too much time into your sons social life at secondary, let him figure things out for himself. He will find his people 👍🏻

I simply can’t believe that you only put one school down. And that was based on a primary school friendship when it’s well
known they rarely survive secondary. It sounds like you’re thinking like a child, not an adult here.

I’m amazed that you let the school put them back in the same Y6 class. That was their ideal opportunity for learning and growing when they were still in a very well known environment with other friends around. I’m really surprised that it was changed, and that you allowed it to change. You should have addressed your son’s anxiety at this point, not gone for the easy option sticking plaster. I don’t think that just putting kids into a difficult situation in itself builds resilience… but guiding them through the situation with appropriate (even therapeutic level) support does.

It sounds like A has naturally grown apart and possibly is finding the friendship claustrophobic. I saw it a number of times when mine were in primary, amongst their friendship groups and the mums I knew.
It’s not uncommon to turn mean, because they don’t have the social skills to end long relationships another way.

Forget whatever friendships he has now in this decision, and choose the school that your research tells you is best for supporting an anxious joiner. It’s better to help him with therapy than it is with manipulating friendships, seriously.

It sounds like you put the first school based purely on his friendship with A, and the other school is just as good, so YANBU to try and move him. Not so much to be in the same school as the new friend but more to not be with A. Although the other school is likely to be full at this point, but I guess a place could come up over the summer.

Morning OP. Your dilemma sounds very similar to the situation we were in when my DS was in yr6. He has had a best friend since reception, then they joined another 2 boys in yr5/6 and my DS was left out for a while. It was a tough time for him.

Long story short, he and his best friend became close again before yr 7, but, despite asking to be in the same class at secondary, they weren't together (or with anyone else he knew) and no changes could be made. Despite a lot of worrying from him and me, he started y7 and made a new friendship group - plus still hangs out with his 'best friend' at lunch and out of school (they're in yr 8 now).

Basically what I'm trying to say is that a lot can change with friendships at secondary, even for quieter kids like my DS, and IMO it is not a good reason to choose one school over another. I'd choose the best school for your DS based on the school, not friends. Then, if it is a disaster I'd look to change school later if possible, rather than predict there being issues before they start. Good luck, I know this is a very difficult time.

I think you missed a good opportunity when you insisted that they move back into the same Y6 class to be honest because it would have been easier to get him through that than it will be at a new school. Still what's done is done.

Choose the school that fits him best, I'd want one with good pastoral support because he is going to need to be supported in navigating friendships. Intense 1-1 friendships are problematic, the chances of him finding another friend that only wants to be friends with him are low. At school friendships do tend to be group based. He needs to be guided through this if it doesn't come naturally to him

Finally be careful about your anxiety rubbing off on to him. I really get this, a lot of us have had awful experiences of secondary schools ourselves and understandably we dread our kids going through the same system. I do think you need to do your best to keep these feelings hidden, is there someone else you could confide in as a bit of an outlet for this?

Secondary is a big mix of people and a large dose of hormones kicking in. Friendships shift.
I was strategically put in a form with close friends due to a sudden, major bereavement at the end of y6. It eased a second significant transition within weeks which was the objective, but by halfway through y8 those friendship groups had totally shifted as we grew older.

Either the pool of children of the children at the primary was a bit restricted, or your child's social skills need developing. Does he do much outside school? Mine do Scouting, partly because it pushes them to interact with a broader pool of people for different types of activity. It's also some social stability through times of change. It's not going to make my autistic child a social butterfly, but it is a broader social range than having just been to a small primary school. He had a couple of sound friends through primary and hasn't made any at secondary (and doesn't care) but there's no guarentee that the friendships would have survived anyway and a clean start was heathy. He's had the choice to continue the friendship out of school. It was choosing a school that matches his needs that mattered more than trying to cling on to a friendship.