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Original poster

Warning - "You can't choose who your children marry"

55 replies

MHMIL · 14/03/2024 18:12

If your mother in law, in front of you, proclaimed to your spouse and their siblings.

"Parenting doesn't get easier as the kids get older. Just remember you can't choose who they decide to marry."

Would you take it to mean anything other than that she hates that her son chose you to marry?

(No other of her children in law were in the room at the time. I'm the only daughter in law. DH has sisters.)

I'm letting DH visit without me next weekend after this 'discussion' last weekend.

It's not the first time she's made it perfectly clear she thinks my family get everything wrong and her way is the right way.

It's just not worth the damage to my mental health.

OP posts:
OliveTapenade · 14/03/2024 18:13

I'm letting DH visit without me next weekend

Letting him?

rubyslippers · 14/03/2024 18:13

what did you husband say?

heldinadream · 14/03/2024 18:14

How do you know it didn't refer to one of the sisters' husbands?

Navyblueblazer · 14/03/2024 18:16

I would just sagely nod and say "so true".

DarkForces · 14/03/2024 18:16

I'd assume she was referring to a situation that was on her mind, possibly one of the nasty divorces her children have been through or a friend's situation.
or she could just be stating a fact. Who dd marries won't be my choice and I always worry she might end up with someone abusive.

I definitely wouldn't think she'd be rude enough to slag my marriage off to my face. I'd have a chat about it all with her

ZanzibarIsland · 14/03/2024 18:16

Its true, so maybe it was a foot in mouth moment and she didn't mean you. Hopefully!

Mamette · 14/03/2024 18:17

No one chooses their in laws you are quite correct there MIL

ZanzibarIsland · 14/03/2024 18:17

I try and brainwash my dds to marry someone kind, who does their fair share, like their late dad.

DarkForces · 14/03/2024 18:18

Mamette · 14/03/2024 18:17

No one chooses their in laws you are quite correct there MIL

Surely you choose your in laws when you choose to marry?

Original poster
MHMIL · 14/03/2024 18:18

OliveTapenade · 14/03/2024 18:13

I'm letting DH visit without me next weekend

Letting him?

Just a turn of phrase.

He's visiting the in laws next weekend.

I'm staying home. Normally we all go.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 14/03/2024 18:20

I wouldn't think anything of it if my MIL said this in front of me tbh.

Unless there's a big backstory, I think you're massively overreacting.

Springtime2024 · 14/03/2024 18:20

Does she have form for that kind of thing? I would have asked what she meant.

BarleyShuga · 14/03/2024 18:20

Well none of are there so it's down to your interpretation of the context and tone it was delivered with.

I'd let it go.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 14/03/2024 18:21

DarkForces · 14/03/2024 18:18

Surely you choose your in laws when you choose to marry?

Show quote history

Quite. The #1 reason it would never have worked with college bf was his mother. And she'd have said the same re: me.

Original poster
MHMIL · 14/03/2024 18:21

rubyslippers · 14/03/2024 18:13

what did you husband say?

He agreed it was a shitty thing to say. Also picked up on something she said to DD that he didn't like.

He knows how much she hurt me in the past insulting my family and fully supports me not going to see her if I don't want to.

I equally won't stop him/DD seeing them. So for now this seems the best course of action.

OP posts:
CloudySheep · 14/03/2024 18:22

Well my MIL isn't passive aggressive so if she said something like that in front of me, it wouldn't be about me.

Does yours make a lot of digs directed at you when you visit?

hairbearbunches · 14/03/2024 18:22

Shitty thing to say. Likely uncalled for and what was she hoping the response would be? Unless people have had a cunty MIL, they don't get it. I feel your pain because it looks, on the face of it, to be in that ballpark. Mine died fairly recently and I almost collapsed with the relief I felt.

Has she got form for this kind of thing? Only you know whether it was a pointed comment. If you suspect it was and there have been others, my only advice is to protect yourself and make sure your DH can see it for what it is. He needs to be firmly in your camp, not standing like a wimp with a foot in both.

Original poster
MHMIL · 14/03/2024 18:24

Dacadactyl · 14/03/2024 18:20

I wouldn't think anything of it if my MIL said this in front of me tbh.

Unless there's a big backstory, I think you're massively overreacting.

I potentially am overreacting.

A few years ago she got loose lipped after a few glasses of wine and rattled on for ages what a terrible job we were doing raising DD and how much she disliked my family.

So I'm maybe quick to assume a throwaway comment is directed at me, equally I don't imagine her opinion has changed.

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 14/03/2024 18:25

She's just stating a fact that in many cultures you can't actually choose who your children marry.

However, you know her and what sort of relationship the two of you have so only you know if she was having a dig or not.

If my MIL had said it I'd know it 100% would not be a dig because she loves me.

Tlolljs · 14/03/2024 18:25

I mean she’s not wrong. Luckily, and that’s all it is, both my dils and my sil are brilliant

unsync · 14/03/2024 18:25

As per pp, just agree with her. Nod sagely.

Warning - "You can't choose who your children marry"
saraclara · 14/03/2024 18:26

I wouldn't think anything of it. Because it's true.
But this is probably a situation where we had to be there to see context and hear the tone of voice.

candyisdandybutliquorisquicker · 14/03/2024 18:26

Regardless of her intent, you need to build some resilience if your mental health is being "damaged" by this kind of comment. Your MIL may not like you or rate your parenting. And?

TillieAnn1945 · 14/03/2024 18:27

Not sure, really. Could have been general. But either way, not nice and you’re absolutely right to distance yourself from her to protect your mental health. She sounds like a know it all. I’ve been there!

Original poster
MHMIL · 14/03/2024 18:28

hairbearbunches · 14/03/2024 18:22

Shitty thing to say. Likely uncalled for and what was she hoping the response would be? Unless people have had a cunty MIL, they don't get it. I feel your pain because it looks, on the face of it, to be in that ballpark. Mine died fairly recently and I almost collapsed with the relief I felt.

Has she got form for this kind of thing? Only you know whether it was a pointed comment. If you suspect it was and there have been others, my only advice is to protect yourself and make sure your DH can see it for what it is. He needs to be firmly in your camp, not standing like a wimp with a foot in both.

She has form.

And thankfully DH is firmly in my camp. Breaks his heart to see me upset and he gets very angry at her - although I the stop him saying anything to her as I know it wouldn't help and I'd rather just he tell her I'm busy/unwell than try and create any drama.

She wouldn't understand what she'd said/done wrong and I can't be bothered with it all.

He'd always rather not visit her too tbh but he does enjoy seeing his sisters and nieces and nephews. As do I which I why I will usually go to family stuff. But MIL won't ever let it be just the siblings, has to be involved too and gets funny if she was to find out they'd met up without her or if DH visits the town she lives in and doesn't go and see her etc.

OP posts: