Warning - "You can't choose who your children marry"

[MHMIL]

If your mother in law, in front of you, proclaimed to your spouse and their siblings.

"Parenting doesn't get easier as the kids get older. Just remember you can't choose who they decide to marry."

Would you take it to mean anything other than that she hates that her son chose you to marry?

(No other of her children in law were in the room at the time. I'm the only daughter in law. DH has sisters.)

I'm letting DH visit without me next weekend after this 'discussion' last weekend.

It's not the first time she's made it perfectly clear she thinks my family get everything wrong and her way is the right way.

It's just not worth the damage to my mental health.

Why don't you arrange a siblings day out for DH and his sisters?

It would cause unnecessary fall out.

I'm the only one she takes issue with really.

Best I just steer clear when I'm not feeling resilient enough for PA comments.

I would just think she is referring to her other children (but I think it is because I know my MIL likes me-ish)

Are you word police? In the whole post that's what you found as important. 🤦‍♀️

Can't even believe you had to explain that...

Why is dd going if shes making digging comments at her too...? Would suggest dh goes alone ...
If nobody ever calls her out on it why would it change.. if its shit for your mental health why is it any better for DD??

I wouldn't leave my child with someone like that with a dh that wouldn't protect them....so would suggest he goes alone if he prefers seeing his nieces n nephews than standing up for his own family...

It’s a nasty dig and your DH has interpreted it that way too. As you further explained she has form and this is the context in which you understood her words.

I do like the idea of more socials with the SILs’ families. Maybe something outdoorsy that wouldn’t be comfortable for MIL and she would decline.

This is the type of thing my MIL says to me. She says things like ‘you were clever enough to marry my son’ and ‘you married very well’ as if he is a member of the royal family. I don’t visit her anymore either.

How old is DD? Should she be visiting if MIL is making unsavoury comments about/towards her?

It’s almost inevitable that all our children will have relationships with, and possibly even marry people we don’t like.

right now we see things from a dil perspective, but we will likely all be mils one day, and then we may see things differently.

Other than a few years ago when she got drunk and loose lipped has she said anything offensive since?

Him and his sisters are responsible for themselves.

She can get upset if they meet without her, but it's up to them if they choose to let that stop them.

If you were sure at the time her comment was a barb directed at you did you respond in any way?

Just avoid her but don’t lie about reason, just say you don’t want to come over.

My MIL was notorious for making unbelievably offensive remarks until I started calling her out on it. Then she stopped, and we ended up getting along really well.

On one occasion she was complaining to me about gaining weight due to steroid treatment. She had always prided herself on being really slim and often remarked savagely about people who had “no discipline” to deal with their weight. I was trying to placate her and said she was not too bad, carried it well due to height etc. etc. She turned to me and said “it’s alright for you, you’re used to it, after all you’re from a fat family” and then carried on moaning. 🤣I was speechless but started challenging her shortly afterwards. BTW I wasn’t even fat then!

My dm didn’t used to like being left out of sibling get togethers so I explained to her that it’s a different dynamic and she shouldn’t begrudge her dc getting together to do age appropriate things that she wouldn’t be interested in.
I think she got it eventually.

@MHMIL actually I think hubby is wrong to visit his mother! if he wants to see his siblings, neices and nephews then he should visit them or ask them to visit you in your town. your mil sounds like a witch and hubby sees this is happening but is still accepting it! not at all being loyal to you, is he??

😂

I'd have said, 'Oh Barbara, You couldn't possibly mean me though could you, I'm lovely!' And then gone and out the kettle on. And then quietly thought she was a judgemental, narky old trout and that my DH better agree with me!

If my MIL said this it wouldn't even cross my mind she meant me. I might pick up on it and say omg is it me you don't like, but I would put a thousand euro bet on it that she'd have been in her own world she wouldn't have considered I'd have heard it that way. But I'm confident in our relationship so only you know whether she might mean you or not.

You don't choose your in laws, not sure why pp say you do

Just to stand up for my DH a little as I feel this is getting him unfair criticism.

As soon as MIL started moaning at DD last weekend he stepped in, said DD was doing a wonderful job and shut his mum down.

Then afterwards said to DD that it was unfair and unkind what she had said to DD.

Also now DD is older we don't shy away from talking (age appropriately) about behaviours we don't like in others. We can't stop people saying/doing the wrong things but we can use them as learning points.

In the past both DH and I have put up with treatment we shouldn't have for a quiet life, but with DD nearly a teen we now put our feet down more to model to her how we all deserve to be treated and how is right to treat others.

We're the outsiders of the family (he moved to where my family are based, the rest of his family are all very local to MIL. So I think her insecurity of him leaving maybe makes her paranoid he prefers our lifestyle to hers (he does...) and she gets on the defensive.

It's so bloody draining though for all of us.

I would think it was aimed at one of the spouses not present

You do when you choose to get married.

Whereas PILs don't tend to choose who their kids marry.

Depends on the MIL. My current in-laws are wonderful so I wouldn't take it personally at all. My ex-almost-MIL was a witch from hell who certainly DID think she got a say in who her son married and drove him to a breakdown in her (sadly successful) drive to get him to break up with me. So in her case I definitely would have taken it personally.

No.

My MIL proclaims this sort of stuff on a weekly basis. If she said this I'd presume she was in a bad mood or one of us had upset her...it's not hard she's a very difficult women, 4 kids and all their partners see her often.

Does she have form for talking shit?
Just let it wash over you. There's no point wasting energy in trying to understand why people say certain things.

This.

I mean
Would you take it to mean anything other than that she hates that her son chose you to marry?

Of course I would. I would assume she was talking about someone she'd bumped into recently / was talking to recently whose child had married someone abusive or an addict or drunk or just completely useless.
But then my MiL is a normal sort of a person and we have a reasonable relationship.

If there were a backstory, then obviously we would 'hear' what was said in the context of that relationship.