To stop opening door for sister

[thegroundskeeper]

My younger sister (22) and I live with my mum.

Sister can be unbelievably rude, unreasonable and aggressive so we don't have much to do with each right now to keep the peace. However, she keeps misplacing her front door keys!

I always let her in, but she is so rude I don't feel inclined to keep doing it. This is what happened last night:

Bell rings, I open door
Sister stomps past me and slams her bedroom door
Me, quietly: Are you going to say thank you?
Sister, screaming: OMG I just got home. FUCK OFF!!!

AIBU to go on strike and stop letting her in? That will just get me in massive trouble though. Putting a key under a plant pot or welcome mat doesn't work as that goes missing in a day or so as well. Mum won't do anything. FWIW yes I suspect she's neurodiverse but that's no excuse for the really personal insults and aggression. She doesn't reflect/apologise later.

I would sit Sister down at dinner time (assuming you eat together) and simply say to both Sister and Mother -

"Going forwards, due to the horrible attitude and manners I am on the receiving end with Sister, I am no longer going to be opening the front door or any door to her. She has her own key, she will have to take more care of it so that she can let herself in now. Also, this is not an opening to a discussion about this. I'm simply letting you both know what I will and will not do any more."

Should take about 2 minutes to state clearly. Then don't open the door any more. The first few times, it'll be hard to ignore the banging so if you're at home, I'd recommend getting noise cancelling headphones to block out the noise, or better yet, be out yourself. I guarantee that on the first day when it's raining, if she gets stuck outside, she will not forget her key any more.

I wouldn't answer it.

No need to lie and pretend you didn't hear. Lyings wrong. Just don't answer it and if she asks you tell her why.

I would move out, find your own place, your rules

Being nd doesn’t excuse her for being rude although it could account for endlessly losing her keys.

I would say to your mum that she needs to get a key safe and then stop answering the door.

Why don’t you move out? It would reduce pressure on your poor mother

Just open the door,

It's not 'just' opening the door, is it. OP has to interrupt whatever she's doing, go from wherever she is in the house to the front door.

OP, what does your sister do if both you and your mother are out when she gets home?

We actually quite like living together!

I don't carry keys anymore as I lose so many of them, it's a security risk.

I have ADHD.

No amount of leaving me locked out is going to change the fact that I have poor executive function, a shit memory and lose things all the time. Those on this thread who are suggesting locking her out to teach her a lesson - trust me, more frustrating than living with someone who loses things all the time is actually BEING someone who loses keys, wallets, important documents, bags etc etc all the time. I cannot trust myself to hold on to anything.

As to her being so rude to you, no that's not acceptable, of course not. It may be general young person selfishness, or it could be she's masking when out in the world, and it all comes out when she gets home. My mum's on the spectrum, and she would work all day in a professional environment where she was well respected for being a supportive boss.

Then she'd come home and the first thing she'd say to us kids was to have a go at us.

Years later, I now understand that it was to do with the stress of masking all day, and that it all came out when she got home, plus her lack of empathy meant she didn't understand the impact it had on us. That doesn't take away how it felt to be on the receiving end of it, but I understand better that she couldn't help it, to an extent.

I would avoid challenging your DSis when she'd just got in. If you want to discuss it with her, do it another time.

Manage your own expectations e.g. don't expect her to come say hi like an NT person would, let her decompress when she gets in, without judgement. Tell her you plan to do this from now on, but in return she needs to understand it's not on to shout at you.

A key safe is a good idea, only she'll probably forget to put the key in it.

Worth a try if not too expensive.

There are obviously more major issues going on here, but just on the losing keys thing - when DD was a teenager she used to keep losing/forgetting/being unable to find her keys at the bottom of the tote bag full of crap she always carried around. What worked for her was putting the keys on a carabiner ring attached to the strap of her bag, or to the loop of her jeans if she went out without the bag - she could open the door without taking the keys off the ring and she always knew where they were. Something like this might work well: https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/386731211301?itmmeta=01HRYE35YG1YDYZC77A35H975A&hash=item5a0af9fa25:g:PbEAAOSwMKhlu0Zj&itmprp=enc%3AAQAJAAAA8EByjsTq87%2BAK0PHQXk04cWZ2IsrTCQvIHMkqGTU3tCptEPoWFLCEoyAwmU8by2%2BJ0UF7ef%2F8prxNc0tI7b7%2FX3BgGLi8TZwnGVPA7e8mA9w%2FA4NNm7goZaRd8jVjSD7Mum8hbGQFiNDng%2FpDlauf5W8gd60G4SrnchkoYN2bvr9sN4WxfCXtqWN1B5OQb42VO8F2Mh2Y6Z9HtHdXejhWJ6dDmy2qVg%2Bn3brFnwrTU5cCe18ApkdFWS2jN5tD2BlxCSALrwmEBqS5uDfj742QYi6ayQIFbjXmILvUsjqgO4uvnTxxYRhUtTCrKSaN1JWlA%3D%3D%7Ctkp%3ABFBM1N-Mzsdj

But if part of her neurodiversity is some form of pathological demand avoidance, she will probably just reject all practical suggestions.

People can just be rude, arrogant and entitled. Not everything is a mental health issue. In this case the sister may just be a bitch.

Pop your earphones in when shes due home and turn that music up!

Exactly!

She's 22, not a child. She's unlikely to just wander off.

I'd ignore her OP and give headphones as reason. She sounds absolutely horrible.

laughing at the idea of a 22 year old 'wandering off' and getting lost or something happening.

I assume she is on her way home form work/socialising, both of which she managed to get to and from very nicely without 'wandering off' !

Me too, and that ‘the only other option would be to break a window or kick a door in’ 😂

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever thanked anyone when they’ve opened the door to me.

I think her behaviour was awful and you’re absolutely right that being autistic doesn’t mean she gets to act like that, but I don’t think you are blameless in this.

If when we all lived at home together my sister knocked on the door, I would just get up and answer it without a second thought.

I wouldn’t be demanding a thank you or wondering whether I should stop answering the door to my own sister.

Answering the door is hardly taxing but you’re acting like you’re doing her a massive favour.

I think you both need to grow up and perhaps start looking for somewhere else to live, so your mum doesn’t have to keep putting up with this petty squabbling.

Unless they live in Buckingham palace, then going to answer the door will literally take seconds.

Most people have people knocking on their doors at some time or another for post or packages, it doesn’t disrupt their entire day.

Ok I see what you mean, thank you is a bit weird from someone you live with, but normally you would say hi right?

Last time she spoke to me it was to call me a see you next Tuesday so I don’t expect a hi, but even a cold thanks would be nice.

It’s not about wanting thanks, it’s about the silent treatment and the screaming “fuck off”. Of course I just get up and answer the door for family and friends and don’t expect praise for it.

Neurodiversity is not an excuse to be a twat. She acts like she does because your mother allows it. You need to stop answering the door and tell your mum that that is your boundary and you are going to enforce it. Your dsis is the result of very poor parenting and it is your mum's job to deal with it.

wat if nobody is in?

??
Then oh well, nevermind, the woman can figure out how to avoid choosing to be locked out again in future.

@thegroundskeeper this is not your problem. Decline to get involved. Moving out will bring you peace.

Honestly the more you post the more it sounds like moving out would be the best course of action. It doesn't sound like a pleasant environment to live in.

Opening a door isn’t a taxing job but neither is saying thank you. Op has stopped what she’s doing to help someone so the least that someone should do is say thank you. It’s like if someone holds a door whilst out shopping you say thank you. It’s incredibly rude not to

@moonfacer

you don't have to say everything that crosses your mind.