To ask for advice for my oversensitive DD?

[MindatWork]

I’ve just got back from school drop off and my 5 yo DD had a meltdown because her friend showed her some pictures she had drawn at home the previous night and had proudly brought them in to show to the teacher.

My DD’s reaction was to get upset and cry because she didn’t have a picture, didn’t want to do one in class because it wouldn’t be the same etc, then worked herself up to the point where she didn’t want to go into school.

We have lots of incidents like this and I’m really struggling with it - I could understand her being jealous over a cool new toy but the constant upset over such minor things are really getting me down. She is quite co-dependent with this particular friend, they love each other but are constantly bickering over ‘she made a face at me’, ‘she told me not to do xyz etc’.

We had tears at a birthday party a while ago because she didn’t understand how one of the party games worked. She is very sensitive in general and quick to tears, runs out of the room if she spills a bit of water (despite us never yelling or giving her a big telling off for it).

We praise her loads and she is very loved/lots of cuddles etc, so I can’t understand where this weird, seemingly low self esteem is coming from.

Any advice from parents of sensitive children would be welcomed as I really want to find the best way to help her. I try and be loving and supportive but ended up telling her to stop being ridiculous this morning which made it 100 times worse. Now I just feel horrible 😫

I’ve found the growth mindset books really helpful, she’s probably a bit young for them but you could look at them together. There’s about 8 of them. We’ve got the resilience one and make mistakes.

Parenting the highly sensitive child is a good book.

Thank you @Bethebest, yes I definitely feel we need to build her resilience. I know I shouldn’t compare but the majority of other kids are know are so laid back, it throws her highly string nature into stark contrast, especially in a group setting.

I think the main reason I’m beating myself up is because I feel like this is behaviour I’ve created - she was a very much longed for rainbow baby and was quite poorly when she was born, and I was an anxious parent so I worry I’ve passed it onto her.

I love her so much and just want her to be happy and confident.

Put her feelings into words for her. It will help you understand and will help her articulate her confusion.

So in this case-
Ah, are you feeling sad because you want to show the class a picture too? Do you think that you are going to be left out because you aren’t showing something? Are you worried that teacher will like sarah better because of the picture?
That isn’t a nice feeling is it. You feel upset about that. I wonder what would make you feel better? A big hug from me? Shall we make a picture after school and show it to Granny?

etc etc.

She needs strategies to cope with disappointment, and words to understand how she’s feeling.

It winds up with an ‘it’s ok to feel sad but we still have to go to school ‘ 🤣

And there’s a website for parenting called aha parenting. Have a look. It’s really good about children with complicated emotions!

@pickledandpuzzled thank you that sounds like a good strategy - I think another problem is that I was very much brought up in a ‘pull yourself together’ household but am very sensitive myself, and as a result learnt to squash everything down to ‘be good’.

I evidently have an internal battle between the emotionally supportive way of dealing with it as you set out above, and the Way I was parented. It was like hearing my mums voice come out of me when I told her she was being ridiculous this morning, so I need to work on that.

Horse riding is good for building resilience and ponies are quite therapeutic. Also, horsey people don't mince their words, so she will definitely toughen up. My own daughter is now a very resilient teen with thick skin because she has spend her time since the age of about six/seven on livery yards.

Thanks @XelaM funnily enough my mum is a horsey person and I grew up knocking around stable yards.

My mum is one of the people who sets my DD off the most (even after looking after her a day a week since she was 1) because she doesn’t understand how to deal with a sensitive child and tells her she is being silly and to pull herself together.

My dd was like this (lots more going on than just extra feelings) but she was diagnosed with autism.

I think it is great that you are dealing with this, it will be great for her that you are looking at the bigger picture and not just each disappointment in turn. Empathy will develop naturally as she gets a bit older and more life experience, but it doesn't mean you can't help it along.

There were children in my DDs class a little bit like this and some of their parents just insisted that the world should revolve around their child. One brought prizes to birthday parties to give her child every time they lost a game. Now at 12, these kids are so unhappy - they see everyone else having achievements as criticism aimed at them.

It's important not to have likeability and being impressive all mixed up and to think people will like them more if they say "you got 80%, well I got 90%," or "you've had a haircut, it looks nice, the hairdresser said my hair was the nicest she's ever seen." My DD (12) has had both these things said to her by such a friend, just yesterday. She's trying to move away from the friend.

The articulating feelings is a good idea and so might expanding her idea of where she fits in certain interactions. The right/nice thing to do in that situation is to tell her friend it's a great picture. The wrong thing to do is try to beat friend. Lots of praise when she does kind/empathetic things. Lots of praise when she is happy for other people winning the party game. Lots of emphasis of putting herself in their shoes:

"How would she feel if she did something good, showed her teacher and friend made it all about her?"
"Has she ever noticed or cared when someone else spills a bit of water, would you think Sam was silly if all he did was a little spill?"

Yes, as @LittleLittleRex there’s lots more to work on!

It’s helpful to demonstrate that behaviour and feelings are different.

You can feel all sorts of things, and that’s fine. And we also need to be kind to friends who are feeling things too, and to behave appropriately.

So ‘pull yourself together’ does come into it!

We are helping them grow into adults who can manage everyday life- feelings, obligations, other people and all!
Thats a big job when you are 4 and needs a bit of practice and support 🤣

Thanks @LittleLittleRex - we 100% don’t let it all be about her, she’s always been taught that you can’t always win, only the birthday kid gets to blow the candles and that birthdays wouldn’t be special if everyone got presents, etc.

I made a point of praising the other child’s picture - in DD’s defence this particular friend, while a lovely little girl, is quite persistent about always being right, always going first in games, always talking over my DD (I’ve seen it happen many times) so the friendship is sometimes a bit fraught anyway.

Im going to buy a couple of books and chat with DH about how to manage her emotions (and regulate my own!) a bit better.

Yes horsey people don't usually do "sensitive" 😂 but it does help build resilience I guess

Ahhh this is such a nice supportive thread, thank you all.

@buswankerz i have wondered about ND but I don’t think she has autism. I’m fairly sure my mum has inattentive adhd (indiagnosed, doesn’t believe in it) and I have A LOT of the markers for it. It may be something that rears its head in the future so will keep a watchful eye but there aren’t any immediate concerns.

If she is ND then throwing her in situations to ‘build resilience’ won’t work. It will just cause a lifetime of anxiety and mismanagement of how she processes being overwhelmed. It is a difficult one to manage though, obviously life will always throw out situations where you feel overwhelmed and it’s so much more difficult for a person who has a processing disorder (if it is the case). If you do believe that there is a possibility of ADHD, I suggest spending the next few months asking for referrals and trying to get support, because it’s a hugely long journey to go through.

Help her understand what it means to be a highly sensitive person. They’re quite common actually. Help her understand why she responds in the way she does and why others don’t.

help her to figure out her triggers. Ask the whys so she starts asking herself..”why did she feel so upset she didn’t have a picture too” …and then another why at her answer til lashes can get to the reall root cause . Then help her validate those sensitivities…and the feelings that arise.

I got to a ripe old age before I realised I was a highly sensitive person. Mainly because I’m very logical and pragmatic (career of 35 years in STEM), and didn’t consider myself emotional at all. But it isn’t necessarily about expressing that emotion externally, it is what the over thinking can do. The link with over stimulii is very evident for me- I’m very introvert but have had to adopt extrovert behaviour to get through life, career etc. a lot of people wouldn’t say I’m introverted at all. But if they walked inside my head they’d realise just how much over thinking, sensitivity there is.

help your daughter understand at a young age. And allow her the long period of time it will take to master the management of this, whilst embracing the benefits and positive aspects of it

“Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, is a term coined by psychologist Elaine Aron. According to Aron’s theory, HSPs are a subset of the population who are high in a personality trait known as sensory-processing sensitivity, or SPS. Those with high levels of SPS display increased emotional sensitivity, stronger reactivity to both external and internal stimuli—pain, hunger, light, and noise—and a complex inner life”.

My daughter was exactly like this at 5. We used lots of feelings books and workbooks with limited success. Her sensitivity got more intense over time. It’s now pretty obvious at 8 that she has ND, likely at least inattentive ADHD, and we are waiting on an assessment. Trying to manage the huge emotions as best we can in the meantime.
I’m not saying that’s the case for you OP. I hope you find a way to help your DD, it’s all such a worry 💐

She's getting enough sleep is she?

Have you spoken to the school’s SENCO to see if they have any ND concerns?

How To Talk So that Kids Will Listen and Listen So that Kids Will Talk is a brilliant book if you haven't come across it already.

Weird question but are you 'overpraising' her? Is she therefore being led to expect validation to regularly that she feels the absence of it as an emotional injury?

It's possible to show a child that they are loved and secure whilst being more sparing on overt praise and reserving it for things that really deserve praise. It's not healthy for a child's self-esteem to depend on overt praise

I also wonder if the problem is less over-sensitivity and more that she may have a problem with this specific friend. That they are frenemies to an extent. Can you help her to widen her circle?

That’s interesting- I recognise myself. I already knew about HSP, but you’ve added some thoughts I hadn’t had before. The introvert/extrovert but in particular.

Thanks for all the other responses - wow @Dartwarbler i recognise a lot of myself in your post. I suffer from hypermobility and severe endometriosis (hoping she doesn’t inherit those as well) so lots of physical stuff going on as well as emotional. Lots to muse on for myself as well as DD.

DD definitely needs her down time and peace and quiet to decompress, but I assumed that was common for 5 year olds? All three of us (DH included) would probably class as introverts with extrovert tendencies.

I picked her up from school today and she came out happy and smiling, had had a lovely day and barely even remembered what had happened in the morning. I did have a casual chat with her about it and it turned out she was jealous because she knew her friend would get a sticker from the teacher 😬.

@HamiltonHarty she sleeps really well, at least 11.5-12 hours a night.

@CantDealwithChristmas thats an interesting one and something I had considered - I don’t think so though. As much as she’s very loved and we do give praise to reinforce good behaviour, I try not to ‘overdo’ it as I’m conscious of her being an only child anyway so don’t want her to be overindulged and spoilt (which is my issue that I need to get over - she is an only very much not by our choice due to infertility). And yes I think you’re absolutely right about this particular friend 😆. They do both play with other children but are sworn best buddies in a very intense, 5 year old way.

We have parents evening next week so may ask her teacher if they’ve any concerns. I know one of her female classmates has already been referred for an adhd assessment so I know they’re pretty on it.

Thanks again for all the input ♥️

I think hypermobility can be linked with asd.

I know @Eaterysarnie , I’ve had to stop myself going down a self-diagnosis rabbit hole several times in the past, trying to make sense of various traits and symptoms I see in myself.