To say I have no brothers

[Kayos10]

I was raised by my dad and from the age of 3 my step mum too. She had 3 sons who became step brothers to me and my sister when they married. All 3 were in the forces so they've never been in our lives for more than a few weeks at a time due to comings and goings, starting their own families and moving homes around the country. However, I saw them as my brothers and they have always said we're their little sisters. I was extremely close to my step mum too (maybe even more so than her own son's) I called her mum, she raised me - she was my mum.

She passed away 10 years ago. At that point my brother's seemed to distance themselves from my side of the family, it was a clear divide and left my, sister, dad and I very upset. They helped out with the funeral and then pretty much went their separate ways. Sine then it's all felt very strained and noticeably different. My eldest brother had a stroke 2 years ago and we all visited him while he was in hospital and rehab but once he was home the contact just seemed to stop and my sister in law stopped returning messages or calls.

5 weeks ago my dad does quite suddenly. One of my brothers has not even been in contact, one sent generic condolences like he wasn't even part of the family (bearing in mind my dad was married to his mum for 25 years) he then didn't reply to my sister when she sent him details of the funeral. The other is still recovering from his stroke but I can see from Facebook he does go out for dinners etc and he regularly posts things on Facebook, a couple of times passing condolences or commenting on heartfelt posts by either me or my sister.

The point of my post is that I /we are absolutely heartbroken that our brothers have treated us this way. Not one has contacted us for a chat, checked in to see if we are ok or asked if we need help clearing my dad's home or arranging the funeral, not to mention help financially with the costs. (I contributed heavily to my step mums funeral and only one of them offered to help with that by putting some money behind the bar)

Thanks for getting this far

As far as I'm concerned I no longer have any brothers (is that unreasonable?) I'm gutted and I know my step mum would have been horrified at the way we have been treated by them.

For context there has been no major family fall out that we are aware of or have been involved in.

How old were they when your parents got together? it is very different getting a step parent as an adult than a child. They probably didn't consider your dad a parent to them

You are grieving and the hurt is always sharper when you are in grief. give yourself some time, then you will put it all behind you. You will never forgive them, but hopefully the hurt will be less painful and you’ll just accept they are not who you thought they were.

I think they were 15, 17 and 20. There was a big age difference between us all as my dad was 14 years younger than my mum.

It doesn’t sound like they really ever considered themselves close to you. You were never actually siblings, you were just in each other’s lives a bit due to your parents choices, so it’s not surprising that as those parents have died, contact between you has dwindled.

People move and, it’s sounds like it’s time you did the same, so no it’s not unreasonable to not consider yourself to not have brothers.

Sorry for your loss. You were little when your SM came into your life and thought of her as mum. Your step-brothers were late teens/adults. They probably never thought of your dad as their dad, especially as they weren’t around much.

mu mum remarried when I was 20. She always asks if she dies would I still see my step-dad, I say yes, but really unlikely I would. He’s not my dad, as much as he’s a lovely man, he is only my mother’s husband.

One too many nots in that last sentence. 😴

I think it's probably the case that they did what their mum wanted while she was alive, but once she died they went with their feelings.

It's not really surprising that your mum getting married when you're 20 provokes different feelings to being raised by someone from the age of three. She was your mum, but your dad probably didn't feel like their dad.

Look after yourself now and revisit your feelings towards them down the line, but I think you're right that there probably isn't the sibling relationship you thought there was.

You mentioned they were all in the forces. I wonder if the sort of emotional care you were expecting - help with cleaning, ringing up for a chat, checking in on people - is a particularly realistic one. Being in the forces is all about shutting down emotional responses to do a difficult job. I think it would be difficult to be an emotionally intelligent, sensitive person in the army (say)

It doesn't sound as if they can give you what you need right now. But that doesn't mean you mean nothing to them or that they don't see you as their sister. It more likely means they are just poorly equipped to help with your pain and are dealing with by avoidance.

This.

Some men are just terrible at communication, it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care perse, but hard to know. You could try reaching out to them to talk, but up to you, of course. We were just talking about how bad my BIL is at communication. He has Adhd, is in the reserves as well ironically. I don't think that he doesn't care at all, but it sucks and is a flaw.

I'm sorry op. Some people are quite out of sight out of mind and this can happen when you live far away.

It doesn't sound like these people consider you as a sister or would be hurt or even aware if you didn't call them your brothers so yes it would be reasonable not to mention them from here on in.

I don't think they've really done anything wrong. Given their ages they wouldn't have considered your dad as their dad. They probably expected that your dad would have paid for and organised their mum's funeral as her husband. And yeah I wouldn't expect to take an active role in my step mum's funeral.

Having read their ages I doubt they thought of your dad as a dad to them.

I'm very sorry for your loss though.

From their perspectives, you weren't really sisters to them in the way that they were brothers to you.

My parents divorced when I was 18. The choices they made after that were up to them but had little impact on me.

I wouldn't have considered any children of partners to be my siblings, nor did I consider my parents' respective new spouses to be step parents.

It obviously felt and looked different to you but they haven't done anything wrong.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My children are 23. Their dad has remarried and his wife is expecting a baby.

He has high expectations of how involved they will be - but they are adults and don't see his new wife as a mum in any sense of the word. Neither are they likely to be close to the new baby.

The age gap is so big that while they may consider themselves siblings to you there won't be the closeness that comes from growing up together.

given the age of them when she remarried and the age gap between yourselves, I don’t think it’s that surprising but it must be hard on you, I was roughly the same age when my dad remarried and I pretty much also have nothing to do with them now he’s dead, as they just weren’t my family or people I was close too in any meaningful sense.

I think it’s a mistake that’s often made with children that they are encouraged to see everyone as family when they are not. You were very young when your ‘brothers’ came into your life, so you didn’t know any different than them being family. They had almost got to adulthood without you being in their life or part of their family. Being in the forces and hardly seeing you, from their perspective they are not going to have created a bond with you. To you as a child you probably felt excitement of them returning home (and were probably encouraged to) and so developed some sort of bond. I think (this is harsh I know), they unlikely ever thought of you as their sister. You need to let them go. They aren’t doing anything wrong, and neither are you. You just have mismatched feelings for each other.

i don’t think they’d care either way OP

and i doubt you’ll be asked many times in life how many brothers or sisters you have

It's not the same, but I have 2 brothers. I am completely estranged from one of them, and when people ask (which as PP said, is not that often as an adult), then I say I've got one DB. It feels emotionally right, and avoids any potential questions about someone I have no contact with - I don't know where he lives, whether he has a partner etc, and nor do I want to know.
As PP have said, whilst your Mum was alive they stayed in contact with their Mum and whatever was in her life, but they were told old for the rest of you to be "real" family to them, unless you really do have something beyond the family connection in common.

Firstly, I'm really sorry for your losses

However, I agree with those saying that they probably don't see you as a sister, or your dad as any kind of step-parent. He would have just been "mum's boyfriend" and you would have just been his kid.

I know that sounds harsh but they were over a decade older than you (at least) and weren't raised with you or your dad. You were raised by their mum so it's a very different relationship.

I don’t think it is that unusual for step families to drift when the two people that were married separate, through death or some other means. I have never been in a step family myself but I know several people that have and nobody has maintained contact with the step parent or siblings after a change in circumstances. My husband’s mother died when he was about 20, he has a step mother and two step brothers now, it wouldn’t occur to him to even think of them as step brothers never mind brothers.

I think with your age differences and the fact they were never really around anyway, they never saw you as a sister, so no, I wouldn’t say you had brothers either.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I think you’re expecting some kind of equivalency in feeling but their situation is very different. They weren’t raised by your father, they were mid-teens to young adults when their mother married your father, they were usually overseas in a job that more or less enforces emotional shutting down, and they’ve probably never thought of him as their father or you as their sister. It’s no doubt hurtful to realise this, but really no one has done anything wrong, it’s just mismatched ties/emotions you thought were matching. Though it was signalled after your stepmother died.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset but this kind of low-contact is actually quite typical for the interaction between adult males and their wider family. Without their mums and wives acring as social secretary and conscience-prodder they generally don't bother.

I don't think it's reasonable to be upset they aren't acting like your dad was their father. They were much older when he came on the scene, so he was likely "mums new husband" rather than "stepfather". If they only came back for a few weeks at a time, they likely weren't close to him even if they liked him and didn't have any reason to be upset about the situation. They might even have seen their mum as their only tie to him, so when she passed away there was no need to have contact. They probably don't feel it's their place to be having input on the funeral and therefore not their responsibility to pay any costs.

I think it's reasonable to be hurt that they aren't acting like brothers to you anymore. That they haven't supported you emotionally or even stayed in touch. They clearly have a different view of your relationship than you did, and that always hurts. If you feel you can, it might be worth discussing with them so you can at least know where you stand and maybe they'll be surprised and make more effort. But only you know if they'll be receptive to that or not.

This is why I actively avoid people from the forces, it's sad but seen it so many times. I think it must be due to having to even shut down or already have a lack of empathy.