To say I have no brothers

[Kayos10]

I was raised by my dad and from the age of 3 my step mum too. She had 3 sons who became step brothers to me and my sister when they married. All 3 were in the forces so they've never been in our lives for more than a few weeks at a time due to comings and goings, starting their own families and moving homes around the country. However, I saw them as my brothers and they have always said we're their little sisters. I was extremely close to my step mum too (maybe even more so than her own son's) I called her mum, she raised me - she was my mum.

She passed away 10 years ago. At that point my brother's seemed to distance themselves from my side of the family, it was a clear divide and left my, sister, dad and I very upset. They helped out with the funeral and then pretty much went their separate ways. Sine then it's all felt very strained and noticeably different. My eldest brother had a stroke 2 years ago and we all visited him while he was in hospital and rehab but once he was home the contact just seemed to stop and my sister in law stopped returning messages or calls.

5 weeks ago my dad does quite suddenly. One of my brothers has not even been in contact, one sent generic condolences like he wasn't even part of the family (bearing in mind my dad was married to his mum for 25 years) he then didn't reply to my sister when she sent him details of the funeral. The other is still recovering from his stroke but I can see from Facebook he does go out for dinners etc and he regularly posts things on Facebook, a couple of times passing condolences or commenting on heartfelt posts by either me or my sister.

The point of my post is that I /we are absolutely heartbroken that our brothers have treated us this way. Not one has contacted us for a chat, checked in to see if we are ok or asked if we need help clearing my dad's home or arranging the funeral, not to mention help financially with the costs. (I contributed heavily to my step mums funeral and only one of them offered to help with that by putting some money behind the bar)

Thanks for getting this far

As far as I'm concerned I no longer have any brothers (is that unreasonable?) I'm gutted and I know my step mum would have been horrified at the way we have been treated by them.

For context there has been no major family fall out that we are aware of or have been involved in.

Sorry @Kayos10 agree with pp above. Did you not really see them, even when birthdays, Christmas, they were on leave? Were they not encouraged to still see their mums house as home? Surely if they all joined up 16 they wouldn't all have married and got their own homes so quickly?

I think with that age gap it's understandable. They were mostly adults. They didn't grow up with you as siblings. I really wouldn't have considered them your brothers at all tbh. They were your step mothers adult children who barely saw you. My dad's been with his partner for 15 years, her kids are noone to me, I'd probably smile at them if I saw them in a shop.

They were grown up by the time they even met your dad. It's a completely different relationship then what you had with their mum, meeting her so young. They may feel no connection to your dad. I am really sorry for your loss OP

This. And men just don't hold families together in the way women do. I'm guessing they have wives and families of their own and are focussed on them. Maybe they are still in touch with their birth father and regard him as their dad? Perhaps, being so much older, they never really felt they knew your father. It's sad, and very rude of them not to contact you about his death, but to some degree understandable from their pov.

My family was very firmly held together by the women of my mum's generation. They arranged get-togethers, held Christmas and birthday celebrations to which everyone was invited, had an annual family picnic and day out — all sorts of things. They'd all been close growing up and they maintained the contact as they aged. As they died off, none of the younger generation took it on and now we only tend to see each other at funerals. It's sad but also understandable. Lives have changed.

Well, they're not your brothers so YANBU.

I have 4 half siblings (my dad's other children) and I still call myself an only child. They're not siblings to me.

I too am sorry for your loss OP - but I agree with the posters here. Your step brothers were adults or nearly so, when your Dad and their Mum got together, they are in the forces, and won't see your Dad in the same light that you saw their Mum.

I can understand why you are hurting, but also, generally, guys aren't as good as holding families together - it tends to be the women folk in families who do that. ( rightly or wrongly).

It doesn't sound like they were ever really siblings, OP. AT the age they were when their Mum for together with your Dad they were pretty much grown. They wouldn't have needed a relationship with your Dad in the same way you and your sisters forged a relationship with their Mum.

It is harsh of them to not make an effort to not check in to see if you're OK and they should attend the funeral, but I don't think you do have brothers, no.

I have a very similar situation OP. I too am the youngest child with similar age gaps and I adored my siblings. I was left utterly heartbroken when they ceased contact. It's affected my life greatly. I've always tried to understand it but never the way PPs have explained - it's so obvious really that I was never really an important part of their lives - not in the way they were to me. I was an occasional novelty but mostly a nuisance. Actually I can see how this has become a pattern in all my adult relationships.

In your situation op, I think you need time to come to terms with this. As PPs have said grief will heighten everything but really it doesn't sound like there's any need for drama.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I also echo what other posters are saying. Your point of view was so very different from theirs. You were just a toddler when you got your new mum. They were already grown and had no attachment to you or your dad and sister. You can't force relationships in that way. Sometimes bonds are formed, and sometimes, they aren't.
I have two step-sisters (since I was 10, although met them first when i was about 7 ) One I consider my sister. The other one I have nothing to do with and haven't since she left home when I was 12/13 and went to live with her dad. When my dad died 13 years ago now, my sister was very upset. The other one did not turn up for the funeral, even to support her own devastated mother (my step mum)

Honestly you are better off forgetting about them. They are not your family even though your step mum was. They are thoughtless but they clearly don't want a relationship.
Again I'm so very sorry you lost your dad suddenly. You must really feel at sea now and could really have used the extra support from those three, but it is unrealistic to think that could happen, and you really are better off no contact.

My ex FIl had another child (second marriage) when my ex and his sibling were young adults. Although they knew that this was their half sibling biologically, it just didn't feel like a brother to them. They played the part for awhile but couldn't keep doing it good enough because they just had no such feelings towards their half sibling. Your brothers were so much older, I think that they feel similar to my ex.

Once again, sorry for your loss, OP.

As others have said, you and your sister came into your stepbrothers’ lives at a very different point to them coming into yours. If you were only three when your dad got married, you probably don’t even remember a time they weren’t in your life, even if they were only ever around when on leave. By contrast, your oldest stepbrother was nearly an adult. It’s not surprising that he doesn’t feel the same bond.

A lot of posters have pointed out that they wouldn’t have seen your dad as a father figure. But perhaps another point to consider is that maybe they don’t really understand the extent to which you saw their mother as your mother, especially as they weren’t around much during your childhood. Perhaps they just don’t get that, to you, she was your mother, rather than just your father‘s wife - and of course it’s natural that you’d see your mother’s older children as siblings. Please remember you’re not unreasonable to want a sibling relationship with them, even if they don’t feel the same.

A friend of mine was in a similar situation recently, although in this case, she was in your stepbrothers’ position. Her former stepmother, divorced from her dad for over 15 years, died. She didn’t go to the funeral as she hadn’t seen her in years and it was a 400-mile round trip. Her adult children were really shocked - to them, this woman was their grandma. She’d been a big part of their childhood. But to my friend, she was her dad’s ex-wife (and his third wife at that) whom she’d met in her late twenties. She liked her, but didn’t love her like a mother.

Your grief is still very raw at the moment. Maybe in time, rather than thinking “I have no brothers”, you’ll be able to see them more as stepbrothers; people you have a friendly relationship with, but not close family members in the way your sister is and your parents were. I hope it all works out for you.

To them he was more their mum's husband.
My DP's mum passed away. She had a new husband from when DP was about 22. DP and his sister vaguely stay in touch but sometimes he refers to him as Grandad to our children when he really absolutely isn't.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them not to see you in the same way that you see/saw them. They got to teen/adulthood without you in their lives, whereas you probably don’t remember life without them. So it’s OK, to me, for them to view you as a step-sister.

I think how they’ve treated you is awful though, personally. Your dad was their step father for 25 years, was still their mother’s husband when she passed away and they’ve not offered proper condolences to you after he passed away or offered any help at all with the funeral? That is horrendous, and I would be really upset by it.

Regarding their mum's funeral, they may have expected her husband to cover the costs of it. Especially if he inherited anything from her (e.g. her half of the house). So I wouldn't hold that against them.

I would probably be like you and hope to keep up a relationship. Both parties have to want it though and make the effort.
They clearly aren't interested so as hurtful as it move on.
It's not meant to be.
I sometimes don't understand people either your not alone.

My Dad and his brothers basically never speak to each other after the death of their parents. They have gone off with their respective families and that is that. Don't be hurt, it's not personal.