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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 years down the drain..

29 replies

UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 13/03/2024 22:36

Just found out my partner of 12 years has been cheating on me . It’s not the first time but it definitely has to be the last.
No AIBU . Just had to say it to believe it

OP posts:
Collywobblewobbles · 13/03/2024 22:45

I'm so sorry Flowers

what a shit.

Kicking them out?

Original poster
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 13/03/2024 22:48

Collywobblewobbles · 13/03/2024 22:45

I'm so sorry Flowers

what a shit.

Kicking them out?

His feet didn’t touch the ground . I didn’t even give him chance to try and explain , there’s no point .

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 13/03/2024 22:50

Op I'm so so sorry. Big handhold and hugs, you will get through this. ❤️

Aquamarine1029 · 13/03/2024 22:50

Well done. Now resolve to not waste one more day ruminating about him. Twelve years was more than enough.

UpsideLeft · 13/03/2024 22:52

Next time leave the first time

Then you wouldn't have wasted all 12 years

Draw a line under it

Move on

Original poster
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 13/03/2024 22:55

UpsideLeft · 13/03/2024 22:52

Next time leave the first time

Then you wouldn't have wasted all 12 years

Draw a line under it

Move on

When you get promised change you wait for it .
We have two children.
Its not that easy

OP posts:
Hairspray123 · 13/03/2024 22:56

So sorry you are going through this OP, do you have children to consider or can you cut him loose or are you married?

I hope it wasnt with a friend or anyone you know.

💐 🫂

Hairspray123 · 13/03/2024 22:58

Oh no what a bastard, they must be under 12 so still so young. So sorry you are going through this.

Lazypeopledrivemecrazy · 13/03/2024 22:58

I'm SO sorry you've found yourself in this position OP, but you must be a very strong person to have kicked him out as quickly as you have, so well done for that. As another poster said, don't spend another moment wasting headspace on him, concentrate on moving forward, and hopefully screw the bastard out of every penny you can for your kids. Good luck for the future.

LamonicBibber1 · 13/03/2024 23:03

I think about mine this way- I didn't waste the years, I spent them in good faith but was let down. But luckily, over those years, I grew strong enough to know my worth for the next load of years, which are now for me and my children.

I hope you can find peace, and stay strong if he tries to weasel his way back in- he cheated on you and your children, so now it's time to make your own family without him, stronger and with integrity.

Original poster
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 13/03/2024 23:04

We’ve got DD9 and DS7 , we recently just had an angel baby too.

Not married, he never saw a reason to. Now we know why… but I blessing I don’t have to spend money on a divorce.

Seemingly he’s been messaging people he used to work with , people on tinder and god knows what else. Some of them he was using a fake profile picture and catfishing !! It’s worse than an Eastenders plot line.

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 14/03/2024 00:36

Well done for kicking him out. You deserve much better than a lying cheating pig. Big hugs to you and your children 💐

Moonshine5 · 14/03/2024 00:43

OP I'm sorry you deserve better and I hope you do get a better partner (when you're ready).

caringcarer · 14/03/2024 00:46

It's hard but he's clearly not trustworthy and no point living with someone you can't trust. Make sure you contact CMS tomorrow because he will have to pay child maintenance for the DC.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 14/03/2024 01:03

UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 13/03/2024 22:55

When you get promised change you wait for it .
We have two children.
Its not that easy

Show quote history

Sorry to hear that. Yep easy enough for people to say you should have left but it’s rarely that easy in real life. Hope all goes well for you

RobertaFirmino · 14/03/2024 01:08

You had 2 DC in those 12 years so I'm sure they weren't a total waste. Please, please, please do not take him back. You deserve much better than this.

UpsideLeft · 14/03/2024 03:42

@UnlawfulBananaPeeler

When you get promised change you wait for it .
We have two children.
Its not that easy

I'm really sorry my PP was a bit too blunt

It takes few times till the switch goes on in our brains and we think WTF are putting up with

You will feel free and a sigh of relief when it's just you and your DC

Don't even think about what he's up to or take him back - he'll just really irritate you

KomodoOhno · 14/03/2024 05:56

Well done. Better to have wasted 12 years the 13. Just keep moving ❤️

Original poster
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 14/03/2024 06:42

Thank you every body.
I feel so overwhelmed. DS has got up wondering where he is and I’m not telling them anything just yet.
I genuinely believe he’s not of a sound mind, some of the things he’d been saying to these other women were unhinged.
Im worried about him picking them up from school before I can. I feel sick

OP posts:
Trulyme · 14/03/2024 07:27

Sorry to hear this OP but at least you can say that you tried to make the relationship work and for that you should have no regrets.

I would ring the school and explain that you’ve just separated and it’s very raw but the kids don’t know.
However, you are concerned that he may pick them up from school out of spite/try and hold them over you.
So although they can’t stop him, you can ask if they ring you asap if he picks them up so that you are aware.

Why are you worried that he’ll pick the kids up?

Bornnotbourne · 14/03/2024 07:28

Ring school and say you will be collecting early through the office. They don’t need to know why. If they ask, say it’s for the dentist. Give yourself a day or two breathing space.

Whattodowithit88 · 14/03/2024 07:47

I think you need to think long term even though you’re angry. I don’t know your situation and everyone’s is different but if this was me I’d let him collect the children (as long as his a good dad, which mine is) then call sounding distressed so he thinks I care and then leave it at that, as the truth is him collecting the kids and having the kids 50/50 would help in the future if I needed to go back to work, if he thinks it’s what you won’t want he may continue to do it, when secretly it is what I want. Just think ahead on these things.

Original poster
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 14/03/2024 18:02

He asked to collect them, and I said no. I need some breathing space. I told school and they were fine with just letting me collect them at the moment.
He asked to come round and get his stuff and I said I’d bag it up and leave it in the porch but he refused, so i went out and told him to come abs get what he needs. I asked him to leave a key but he refused.
Ive been awake all night, I feel like I’m in physical pain.
His dad has spoke to me, but he’s mums completely ignored me .

OP posts:
Original poster
UnlawfulBananaPeeler · 14/03/2024 18:09

Trulyme · 14/03/2024 07:27

Sorry to hear this OP but at least you can say that you tried to make the relationship work and for that you should have no regrets.

I would ring the school and explain that you’ve just separated and it’s very raw but the kids don’t know.
However, you are concerned that he may pick them up from school out of spite/try and hold them over you.
So although they can’t stop him, you can ask if they ring you asap if he picks them up so that you are aware.

Why are you worried that he’ll pick the kids up?

I feel like he might do it so I beg him to come back . Which I can’t do this time.
The messages he sent are basically pure delusion, I feel like he’s just not in his right mind. I feel like I don’t know him.
the kids asked for him to take them to school tomorrow so I’ve had to text him

OP posts:
talkingteapots · 14/03/2024 18:13

I'm@UnlawfulBananaPeeler it sounds like he didn't want to get caught.

As hard and as sickening as it is, does he have any mental health problems? It sounds like he gets some kind of hit from the attention.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want to be with you. He may just have underlying mental health conditions and gets a dopamine hit / something....

If there is any hope, maybe worth looking into.

If you are done, then you're done!