Sister thinks she’s so hard done by

[Kwasi]

I think I rally just need to vent!

I moved from my hometown 24 years ago and currently live 300 miles away. I have DS5, and DH and I own a shop as well as being employed elsewhere. I attend college one day a week. I also have a chronic illness as well as having a difficult time with DS at school and a marriage that only still exists because I can’t afford to leave.

Brother and sister still live in our hometown. For years, sis lived next door to our mum, who did 100% of the childcare for my sister’s two kids so her and her DH could continue doing things people in their 20s do, such as weekends out, weekends away, even an annual week in Ibiza. Heck, my sister never even had to take her kids to the supermarket. I don’t begrudge her this at all; she just lacks a little empathy because she’s never had to worry about school holidays or sick days, etc.

In recent years, our mum has become a hoarder and let the house go to wrack and ruin. Four months ago, she had an accident, which meant she needed some rehab and a suitable place to stay afterwards. She’s been at my sister’s house for two months and my sister is getting annoyed, saying she’s our responsibility too. While Mum was still in rehab, my sister asked me to go up and help sort the house because she was getting someone in for a house clearance the following week. I arrived on the Saturday and was told my sister wouldn’t be free until 2pm on Sunday with no way to get the keys to me. Turns out, she just wanted some things moving upstairs so she could get a price for the house clearance. I felt this was a wasted trip.

My sister is complaining that I am not doing more. I have offered to go up and dismantle the old kitchen but my April availability doesn’t suit. I have offered to pay someone to do it but my sister has refused to give her day off to be there. Any suggestion I make is met with a problem and my sister always has an idea of what she wants to happen but never actually says what she wants; instead, she just tries to steer me into saying what she wants to happen.

I have told her I can’t be there on weekdays as every single day of my annual leave is required for school holidays. It’s a 10-hour round trip and costs £100 in fuel, which is a lot when no one will actually firm up a plan and I’m waiting around half the time. If she would actually let me take the reins instead of playing the martyr, it would have all been sorted in January.

My brother is pretty useless and has zero DIY knowledge. He only lives 10 minutes from our mum but hasn’t really contributed much more than me.

Full disclosure: I am not close to my mum because we are too different. She doesn’t bother with DS and just sends him £20 at birthdays and Christmas.

YABU: Get your arse up there and shelve your own problems and do as you’re told
YANBU: She either needs to come up with a plan or let you be in charge

I don’t think YBU but it does seem like a bit of a competition of who has it hardest.

When adult DC decide to look after their parents I think they don’t actually consider how hard it will truly be. Just because one DC wants to do it doesn’t mean that the other DC owe them anything or have to help them.

I won’t be looking after my DP in their older age. They neglected me when I was young, I owe them nothing.

Obviously your circumstances mean you cannot help either. Set out a couple options for your DSis and if nothing is good enough that’s her choice.

It sounds like your DS wants to play the role of martyr OP. She wants to make you feel guilty about not being there to help, but actually enjoys being in that position. Quite honestly, in your shoes, and bearing in mind the distance that you live from your DM's, and the fact that you've not been around for 24 years, and in that time haven't been close to your DM, then I would tell your DS, that you've offered all the help you're going to. She's going out of her way to make things awkward, and you don't have the time or inclination to play silly games just because she can't get her act together.

Sounds like you both think you are done by, when actually you are both busy and doing your best. Maybe cut each other some slack.

I wouldn't go out of my way to help if I were you. Your sister can't have it every way she wants it. Your AL is precious and I'm sure you are annoyed that you wasted a day going there for no reason. You need to put your foot down and if you do go back to help put a concrete plan in place of what should happen so you aren't wasting your time again.

Thank you for your replies. My real frustration is the lack of a plan and lack of willingness to want me to make one.

Like I said previously OP, she's enjoying playing the martyr, which is why she doesn't want to allow YOU to make a plan, as if she allows you to do this, YOU will then be the one who gets all the praise for doing stuff for your DM.

I hadn’t actually thought of that. For her job, she’s a manager, so it could be that she doesn’t like anyone else telling her what to do, yet when it comed to house stuff, she’s a bit out of her depth. She’s only ever lived in fairly new houses, whereas the two houses I have owned have both needed lots of work doing, so I have experience with this sort of thing. Also, I am not sentimental, so would chuck everything that didn’t have a obvious use or value.

I don’t think YBU but it does seem like a bit of a competition of who has it hardest.
Exactly this! You think she had it easy, she’s thinking ‘I have to do all of this!’ I think we all do the grass is always greener but everyone has their own shit.

The ones that stay close to the parents always end up getting doing the help and sometimes, inheriting everything. Up to you really. You have a lot of stretch here what to do but if you sister calls you and messes you about, what is the next step?

I absolutely don’t resent any of the help she’s had; it’s just made her lack empathy for parents who haven’t been as fortunate.

I was told years ago that I will not inherit, which I am fine with given my closeness.

Why don’t you just leave them to it? Your sister and brother live close to your mother and you live some distance away. Just let them plan or not plan as they see fit. Let them take responsibility. I don’t think that you need to be involved.

THIS
sounds very difficult but focus on your own family. Your children need a happy mum. You can't do everything.

I was told years ago that I will not inherit, which I am fine with given my closeness.

That's a bit strange to be told you're not inheriting anything.

I think your sister was happy to get all the help but hadn't really factored in that she was then closest to them & so it would work the other way too.

I think she's messing you around to make a point - I mean who would ask a sibling to drive all that way & then not even allow them in?

Does your Mum know about the declutter? I can't see her being too happy at the thought of people going through all her stuff.

I would just leave your sister to it - she is obviously trying to make things difficult for you.

Tell your sister to contact your brother. He's 10minutes away!! If she's so determined to make you do your 'fair share' then that applies to him too and it's far more convenient for him because of distance and you don't say if he has kids or other responsibilities like you and your sister do. Why is it the female children have to do all the shit!

If it's moving things around then it's an ideal task for him!!

Looking after elderly parents is such a minefield of resentment. I'm seeing my parents go through it with my grandmother. Some psi kings are far far too giving and are running themselves ragged l, the others are more boundaried or completely want nothing to do with it. I actually don't judge any of them. My grandmother really needs to be in a home or people are going to have breakdowns.

Anyway - I think it's worth telling your sister that a plan needs to be made and you would be willing to drive up and have a family discussion, that includes your mums input. I think I would be saying that until a plan is made for longer term, I won't be participating. Honestly - I've observed how necessary it is for siblings to meet properly to discuss care needs etc. There is no point trundling on like this.

Then don’t do anything at all. If you’ve been disinherited then “D”M clearly doesn’t care and doesn’t get to demand help from you.

Your sister/lazy brother can do it.

5 hours is too far when you have DC and work! (I know, because I also moved 5 hours away and now only go back for weddings and funerals…)

This is a problem caused by your mum not your sister. If you want a relationship with your sister once your mum has died I suggest you work on communication between you. If you don't, maybe just don't do anything?

It all sounds very very annoying but getting the hump and falling out is only going to make things more annoying not less, unless you plan to back off entirely. You obviously feel like the less favoured sister but don't assume that being the favoured sister is actually easier emotionally or practically. It's just differently difficult, I imagine.

At least get a set of keys cut for your mum's house, so if you do go there you can at least get in to do anything that needs doing. Is your mum ever going back to her own house? Or is the living with sister going to be permanent? If so could you offer to have your mum for a week in the summer to give sis a break?

A bit of pressure on your brother might not come amiss.

That's a bit strange to be told you're not inheriting anything.

I was told the same. It happens.

OP, I agree with other posters assessments of the situation.

She's being wholly unreasonable to get you to make the journey willing to help but then being prevented from helping. She's either unable to see it from your perspective or is doing it deliberately.

If you're still willing to help, tell her you want a definite plan of action for the day/weekend and if it isn't stuck to then you won't be foing again. If she's unwilling to do that, withdraw your help.

Tell your sister v clearly what you will be prepared to do and what you need from her.

• I will go up on 14th April if you post a copy of keys to me by 12th April and I will dismantle kitchen
• I will arrange for a clearance van to visit on xx day and I'll pay for it if you can let them in
• I will come up for a family meeting on xx day to discuss long term plan for mum

Etc These are the things I can do given my circumstances. If you are not happy with these things/approach then that's absolutely fine and no hard feelings but please contact DB for any other help you need.

Just be super clear OP. Don't ask ...tell

Good advice @Anameisaname Be very precise with dates of availability. Maybe do a scheduled phone call or zoom call to talk about a plan. I can't see why your brother isn't the one being harrassed by your sister. It makes no sense that he isn't helping. Also you don't say what your mother thinks of all this, does she have a preference? Would she be ok with what you propose doing? unless there is advanced dementia I don't see why you are not liaising with your mother about her wishes rather than communicating only through your sister.

My family was in a very similar situation, a hoarder father with a house falling apart and dirty. He ended up ill and had to move home to convalesce and we had to set up a bedroom in a downstairs room, this involved clearing a whole room of 30 years of junk plus doing a deep clean throughout the whole house. I have 2 sisters both who live a distance away, about 3 hours. One works short contract hours and often takes long periods off, she is childfree by choice and married a very rich man so has loads of free time, spends her days gaming and just hanging around the house and does as little as possible. The other works full time with 4 kids and still does community volunteer work. Both wildly different personalities and lifestyle choices but never been resentful of each other previously. But when the work needed to be done my sister with all the free time Dsis1 couldn't understand why there wasn't an even split of time between us. She expected other sister to do 2 days work because she did 2 days, although the days Dsis2 helpled involved her taking annual leave or going on a weekend and having to cancel her kids commitments. Dsis1 would send messages about how long it took her to clean this or that, and then complain to me that Dsis2 had only cleaned X and it took less time. She constantly talked about family comes first but didn't see the irony that she was asking DSis2 to disrupt her own family. It was ridiculous and I was very much the one in the middle. Things are ok now because DF is well again but he is old and we all know what way things will go. I dread it and feel we will fall apart.

It sounds to me like your sister wants to control things and do all things on her terms. The getting you to hang around to the Sunday afternoon was an especially dick like move, with a 600 mile round trip you had to do. She got lots of help off your mum and she needs to start paying that back, obviously you aren’t so indebted and you’ve been disinherited. I would either be very boundaried with your sister (e.g. the dates you can do in April are just the way they are and l wouldn’t be anymore forthcoming) or take a major step back. It sounds like your brother has already taken the step back

Does your Mum have capacity? If so has she agreed to you two sorting out here house? People with hoarding tendencies are suffering from a MH condition.