Sister thinks she’s so hard done by

[Kwasi]

I think I rally just need to vent!

I moved from my hometown 24 years ago and currently live 300 miles away. I have DS5, and DH and I own a shop as well as being employed elsewhere. I attend college one day a week. I also have a chronic illness as well as having a difficult time with DS at school and a marriage that only still exists because I can’t afford to leave.

Brother and sister still live in our hometown. For years, sis lived next door to our mum, who did 100% of the childcare for my sister’s two kids so her and her DH could continue doing things people in their 20s do, such as weekends out, weekends away, even an annual week in Ibiza. Heck, my sister never even had to take her kids to the supermarket. I don’t begrudge her this at all; she just lacks a little empathy because she’s never had to worry about school holidays or sick days, etc.

In recent years, our mum has become a hoarder and let the house go to wrack and ruin. Four months ago, she had an accident, which meant she needed some rehab and a suitable place to stay afterwards. She’s been at my sister’s house for two months and my sister is getting annoyed, saying she’s our responsibility too. While Mum was still in rehab, my sister asked me to go up and help sort the house because she was getting someone in for a house clearance the following week. I arrived on the Saturday and was told my sister wouldn’t be free until 2pm on Sunday with no way to get the keys to me. Turns out, she just wanted some things moving upstairs so she could get a price for the house clearance. I felt this was a wasted trip.

My sister is complaining that I am not doing more. I have offered to go up and dismantle the old kitchen but my April availability doesn’t suit. I have offered to pay someone to do it but my sister has refused to give her day off to be there. Any suggestion I make is met with a problem and my sister always has an idea of what she wants to happen but never actually says what she wants; instead, she just tries to steer me into saying what she wants to happen.

I have told her I can’t be there on weekdays as every single day of my annual leave is required for school holidays. It’s a 10-hour round trip and costs £100 in fuel, which is a lot when no one will actually firm up a plan and I’m waiting around half the time. If she would actually let me take the reins instead of playing the martyr, it would have all been sorted in January.

My brother is pretty useless and has zero DIY knowledge. He only lives 10 minutes from our mum but hasn’t really contributed much more than me.

Full disclosure: I am not close to my mum because we are too different. She doesn’t bother with DS and just sends him £20 at birthdays and Christmas.

YABU: Get your arse up there and shelve your own problems and do as you’re told
YANBU: She either needs to come up with a plan or let you be in charge

@Anameisaname That is the best advice.

Tell her what you can do and if it's not good enough-tough. She either accepts the help that you can give, or she figures some other plan out.

Why is this being left between you and your sister, though? Your brother lives ten minutes away. At the least, the tasks should be split three-ways. Not two. It's ridiculous if your sister is struggling and only you are trying to help her but he's sitting there, getting away with it.

Thanks, everyone. Sorry for not replying sooner but I didn’t stop at all yesterday and then conked out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I really value all opinions and I am going to tell, not ask.

To answer some of the questions that popped up:

My mum has full capacity. I don’t really think she wants her house to be sorted, as she likes staying with my sister and her family. She knows it needs to be done, though.

I am the only person in my family who is not afraid of confrontation and won’t put up with crap, I which is why I am the least favourite.

I frequently offer to pick my mum up and have her stay for a week or two. DS is desperate for a relationship with her and I live in a really lovely part of the country. She just always says she’s too old to do the journey.

My brother is in his mid-50s with a grown up son. I love him but he’s useless. He spends all of his time and money pursuing a fruitless stand-up comedy career and only really thinks about his next gig. Two months ago, he said he would speak to his plumber mate to sort my mum’s toilet. He only did it yesterday after hearing from our sister.

Every suggestion I make is either ignored or rubbished. My mum has no hot water or heating because her boiler has packed up. It’s about 40 years old, along with the ducted heating system. I have suggested a combi for hot water and to install a couple of electric radiators in the main rooms. My mum has £20,000 savings but doesn’t want to spend £3-4k getting this sorted.

I am met with resistance at every turn, which, in all honesty, gives me no inclination to bend over backwards for any of them.

I'd tell her this is what I am offering, take it or leave it and then leave it with her.