Sister using my cancer for virtue signalling

[Fixing]

My sister has set up a just giving page for a sponsored swim to raise money for cancer research. It is ‘in memory of mum & uncle, and in support of my sister’ (and she includes all our names.) My mum & uncle both died of cancer. I was diagnosed last October, had surgery and have been on chemo since Christmas.

My sister hasn’t told me about either the swim or the fundraising page. I’m really annoyed for two reasons.

1. She is using my cancer to signal her virtuousness to her friends and partners family.
2. She has published my health status on the internet without asking if that’s ok with me.

For context, she hasn’t actually supported me very much. She did look after my 5 year old for a night shortly after I came out of hospital and whilst my ex partner worked that weekend and we had no other help. She visited once in November immediately after I came out of hospital (mainly to drive my dad over), then again a month later. I was still completely knackered so talking and standing up was hard but I made a meal/cleaned for them. We spent about half of Christmas day together. She hasn’t bothered to ask how I’m doing/feeling for months but has texted some photos of her holidays/child to a Whatsapp group (of just me, her & our brother).
Also, it was my birthday recently. No card, gift, phone call or visit-just a brief text message from her.
Additionally I’m living in house with my ex partner and trying to negotiate buying him out which is horribly tense. His family have recently experienced an awful tragedy and are struggling. I have no close friends and no real support here.
My sister knows about all this.
She lives about 40mins drive away, works 3 days/wk and has 60/40 shared custody of her child, but has found hardly any time for me over the last 6 months.

AIBU to be annoyed at her?

YABU-She is doing well to raise money for a good cause and needs to tell people why to get support.

YANBU-She should not publish your cancer diagnosis on the internet without asking you first.

I think it's the phrase "in support of my sister" that's really galling here. Because it's not actually supporting you in any way, is it? And there is practical and emotional support that she could be offering that she isn't. You're right, it's virtue signalling and she probably just wants to do the swim anyway.

Not sure how you can communicate that without provoking an extremely defensive response, though. Perhaps, "please could you remove the phrase 'in support of my sister' from your charity fundraiser because I'm not comfortable with it". Because it's not so much her sharing your details that's actually upsetting you, I don't think, it's the hypocrisy. And then, if she pushes back, say "I would personally just prefer private and emotional report rather than something public like this, I don't like it".

Can you report her fundraiser to Go Fund Me and insist they remove your identifying info?

Agree with Anxioussister - there’s no point making a fuss - it will just cause unpleasantness and achieve nothing. She won’t learn any lesson as she is clearly too narcissistic for that.

Tackle getting the post altered as advised and then save your energy. If she ignores you could your brother not have a word on your behalf? Sounds like you’re on the same page. If that doesn’t work contact justgiving directly.

your daughter has a relationship with her kids, it’s not their fault their mum is a bad sister. As long as you don’t expect anything from her, then you can ignore her. If you can’t deal with that, then you need to sever ties.

wishing you all the best for your recovery xx