Sister using my cancer for virtue signalling

[Fixing]

My sister has set up a just giving page for a sponsored swim to raise money for cancer research. It is ‘in memory of mum & uncle, and in support of my sister’ (and she includes all our names.) My mum & uncle both died of cancer. I was diagnosed last October, had surgery and have been on chemo since Christmas.

My sister hasn’t told me about either the swim or the fundraising page. I’m really annoyed for two reasons.

1. She is using my cancer to signal her virtuousness to her friends and partners family.
2. She has published my health status on the internet without asking if that’s ok with me.

For context, she hasn’t actually supported me very much. She did look after my 5 year old for a night shortly after I came out of hospital and whilst my ex partner worked that weekend and we had no other help. She visited once in November immediately after I came out of hospital (mainly to drive my dad over), then again a month later. I was still completely knackered so talking and standing up was hard but I made a meal/cleaned for them. We spent about half of Christmas day together. She hasn’t bothered to ask how I’m doing/feeling for months but has texted some photos of her holidays/child to a Whatsapp group (of just me, her & our brother).
Also, it was my birthday recently. No card, gift, phone call or visit-just a brief text message from her.
Additionally I’m living in house with my ex partner and trying to negotiate buying him out which is horribly tense. His family have recently experienced an awful tragedy and are struggling. I have no close friends and no real support here.
My sister knows about all this.
She lives about 40mins drive away, works 3 days/wk and has 60/40 shared custody of her child, but has found hardly any time for me over the last 6 months.

AIBU to be annoyed at her?

YABU-She is doing well to raise money for a good cause and needs to tell people why to get support.

YANBU-She should not publish your cancer diagnosis on the internet without asking you first.

OP I appreciate you're trying to avoid confronting your sister directly about this, but going straight to justgiving first is still going to make her aware you've complained about it and piss her off anyway.
I think you'd be better off sending the polite message suggested by others first / or simultaneously so she can't accuse you of taking the nuclear option without even talking to her about it.

So sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Several things

Why are you bothered about upsetting her - she brings nothing to your life
Why do you want your child to have a relationship with this self is person

Just email her and ask her to take your name off, don't send her a card etc and if she doesn't, then talk to JustGiving.

Donate £10 and leave a message in CAPS sayong

"HI DSIS,
THANKS FOR PUBICALLY BROADCASTING MY HEALTH WITHOUT MY PERMISSION/CONSENT.
JUST SO YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED YOU PROVIDED SOME / ANY ACTUAL REAL LIFE SUPPORT WHEN I WAS SICK RATHER THAN YOU VIRTUE SIGNALLING BY GOING ON A NICE SWIM NOW 👍"

I would message her directly
If you want to support me, l need your help. Not my name on a just giving page

But she knows how you treat her on her birthday and STILL doesn’t reciprocate so why bother? It’s just upsetting you. She sees you as a mug with no voice.

Honestly, just ignore her birthday. It may make her sit up and take notice.

@Fixing

I don't want to hijack your thread.

This is the sort of shit my late wife's sisters would pull. All for show with no substance.

My wife had gone low contact with her sisters after the shit show they pulled over the money their dad left in his will a few years ago.

She messaged them just before last Christmas to tell them she was now under palliative care, that she wished them all well, saying how she wished that things had been better between them all. Out of five sisters she had two replies, both as if she'd told them our cat had died.

At my wife's funeral mass they made a big, loud, show of coming up to me in front of everybody and professing how much love they had had for me and my wife. How much they cared. Lots of crying before, during and after the ceremony. Then slight amazement as it was just myself, my daughters and their husbands going with my wife to the crematorium after. Lots of public heart-string pulling, etc.

Not once have any of them contacted myself or my daughters either before or after my wife passed away.

If I was you, and of course, I'm not, I personally wouldn't want them having any entry into any part of my life as it's all about their appearance to others. Why would you think having a close relationship with their cousins and therefore your sister be of benefit to them?

@Fixing I wish you lots of luck with your treatment. Hope you and your family are getting good support as that helps a lot.

Oh god I know so many people like this. Charitable things aren't really charitable if you are telling thr world you are doing them. And if you are actually just doing something that benefits you to raise money. See the Five Tenets of Charity.
But, if we are being generous and not cynical perhaps having lost other relatives she simply doesn't know how to react or feel feelings about it all so is protecting herself by a distant sort of gesture.

I also have a dysfunctional/narc sister who is a total nightmare. She never considers other people's feelings, and never apologises. It's always all about her.

In your position I would go batshit.

Definitely report to Just Giving.

For future reference, it is impossible to have a healthy boundaried relationship with a disordered person. This includes with your child, so do be mindful of your DC's relationship with her. I went No Contact with my toxic sister years ago and it's the best decision I ever made. Wish I had done it sooner.

Wishing you a speedy and successful recovery.

Raising funds is a really great thing, but the fact she's done this in the way she's done it is dreadful! The fact she's not supporting you, is dreadful.

I'm so sorry.

I have been thinking about this. People like your sister don’t recognise the higher ground unless it’s their own position. I would donate £5 and write “You know if you’re feeling guilty because you didn’t help out or call when I was sick, you could have picked up the phone and discussed it. I can see you have named me and my illness (without my permission) to justify Hugo’s GoFundMe and I have to be honest, this isn’t the charity I would have chosen. That would have been Maggie’s - because they helped me out so much.” and leave a link to Maggie’s, with a little description of the help you received.

Has she posted it on Facebook? Could you post something like "please don't include me in this, I don't like my illness being broadcasted. If any family did want to donate to a charity in my name, I would love people to support Maggies who have been an incredible help through an incredibly hard and lonely time." You haven't actually called her out, but people will read between the lines.

Also OP I get your sentiment of thinking that by treating her better than she treats you you're showing her how you wan to be treated. That works for children. But she's a full grown woman. She knows how people want to be treated. If she chooses not to then it's becuase she doesn't care.

I agree it’s wrong for her to put details of your cancer online but YABU about her not helping enough. She had your child overnight ffs. She didn't have to do that

Seriously - fuck elegant.
Comment that you'd rather have her support directly because she's not helped you with anything and you could really use some help.

YANBU whatsoever!!!! In a similar position, diagnosed in October with cancer too. My problem is SIL ' had to cut a once in a lifetime travel opportunity short due to family illness, posted over social media. Then not even bothered to help out and actually very rude to me. I've wanted to keep my situation very private and do not have any social media myself. The way I've dealt with it is no confrontation just zero contact. Don't need negative influences like that around especially when going through something like cancer. Wishing you all the best in recovery.

Definitely this. She'll get in so much trouble

What would Just Giving do about the money that has already been donated? Would they just give it back to whoever donated, or to the charity?

I'd hope the money goes to the charity.

Even if you had a good relationship with your sister and were happy for your condition to be public knowledge, you should have been asked.

I don't know. However, this shouldn't be your concern. If it returns to the people, they can give a direct donation to the charity if they still want to donate.

This just says to me that she hasn't really thought it through. Cancer Research gets LOADS of money, and pay massive wages to their highest staff - whereas there are lots of smaller charities who make a genuine difference in people's lives. If she had talked to you, you could perhaps have advised her of which charities would most benefit. Realistically, a couple of hundred quid (if that) for a sponsored swim isn't going to be noticed by such a huge charity. It's lazy virtue signalling.

Yes I completely agree. Research is essential but there is loads of money out there for that. Maggie’s is what really mattered to me (and filled that gap in emotional support that I really needed). There was literally no one else I could cry, hug, chat and have a brew with.

She spent time with my child for one night. In 6 months. I spent loads of time with her after her relationship break up (going out/chats/looking after her child with my parents for a few nights each week while I was on mat leave). She hasn’t even asked me about how that’s going. I don’t think it’d be reasonable to expect reciprocation but she is so self absorbed she can’t recognise it.

You can't stop the page .. your only complaint is your name being mentioned without your consent. So the text will get altered rather than the page being withdrawn.

I don’t publish anything on social media but it doesn’t look like it’s on Facebook to me.

A lot of people on here very keen for you to burn bridges. I hear you that you actively don’t want to do that. I have a sibling who I can imagine being exactly like this!

If it was me I would send her a message saying ‘hi sis, I appreciate you doing something positive by raising money for cancer research but please could you just make it ‘in memory of’ and leave my name off it - I really want my diagnosis to be kept relatively private. I know you’ll understand - thank you!’

and then keep sending cards etc / treat as you would wish to be treated.

to some people that would feel like me being a ‘doormat’ but I know myself well enough to know that I would feel more anguish at being cut off from my family member than I would about putting up with their madness.

obviously if she flies off the handle and refuses to remove it, you probably have the level up your response - but it seems like going nuclear to begin with might do more harm than it solves!

sending you love + grit for your recovery. Glad you have a brother on side who is showing up for you