Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To see extended family despite parents not wanting me too

42 replies

CoralSloth · 12/03/2024 22:51

Posting here to hopefully get some clarity as feel I’m to involved to have a fair opinion. For context I am an adult with my own family.

A few years ago, my parents fell out with one member of the extended family. This had probably been a long time coming for both of them, and wasn’t because of one major thing but lots of little things over a long period of time (and two people being too similar and not listening to each others sides!). I don’t think either party were particularly at fault and this falling out did not involve me in anyway.

My parents felt very strongly that I should cut contact with this member of the extended family, although I did not agree. This caused a lot of upset between us, and after A LOT of back of forth, I reluctantly agreed to not see them for a short period of time as I wasn’t sure what else I could do (although in hindsight we didn’t specify for how long) whilst my parents ‘dealt’ with what had happened.

I now feel that it is time for me to get back into contact with this member of extended family. I want to have a relationship with them, and also it is just awkward not seeing them eg when we meet up with other extended family they are basically excluded.

My parents however are outraged that I am considering this and do not want me to ever see them again. I want to have a relationship with my parents, and am not expecting them to speak to or see this member of family. However, they are alluding to the fact they will never see us again if we do.

AIBU - to see a member of extended family that my parents have fallen out with?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 12/03/2024 22:52

If you are an adult you can see who you like

Leeds2 · 12/03/2024 22:55

It is entirely your choice but, from what you have written, by seeing the family member you may be giving up any relationship with your parents. If you are prepared to do that, then go ahead.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 12/03/2024 22:57

See the relative anyway. It's none of your parents business. They sound very controlling.
Remember, you are an adult!!

Containerhome · 12/03/2024 22:58

Context is everything. What was the falling out over? Murder, rape, theft, drugs. They have a point.
If its something trivial like using the same pattern for curtains then I would think they are both childish.

NewName24 · 12/03/2024 23:00

You are an adult and can have a relationship with whoever you want.

If you have been honest with us in the OP, there doesn't seem to be any reason why you shouldn't see these family members.

My angle on what @Leeds2 has said is that the OP isn't making a choice to not see / talk to her parents, her parents are choosing that road. OP is willing to speak to, and spend time with everyone.
She can't let her parents' dictate who she can and can't speak to.

Squiggles23 · 12/03/2024 23:05

Containerhome · 12/03/2024 22:58

I am in love with these extreme examples but yes need some context!

In general though your parents shouldn’t be ‘cutting you off’ regardless. I would be having strong words about that and how manipulative/immature that is. If anything that would push me the other way.

Containerhome · 12/03/2024 23:08

@Squiggles23 they are extreme! Yes! Lol. But trying to highlight how severe it has to be to cut people off to that extent! Enough for your parents to dictate and cut contact themselves, I would assume its something extreme. However, if there's anything I have learnt is that people are weird and Dall out over the smallest of things!

Squiggles23 · 12/03/2024 23:10

It was the curtain patterns vs murder that really got me 😂 @Containerhome

WandaWonder · 12/03/2024 23:16

Containerhome · 12/03/2024 22:58

All of this

Original poster

CoralSloth · 12/03/2024 23:29

Containerhome · 12/03/2024 22:58

No murder or anything like that 😂 more, one of them has done something to upset the other one, then someone else says something that upsets them. This has been going on for years. So, in my eyes quite trivial but they are all very sensitive and easily offended so I think it becomes a big deal to them.

I’m just feeling very stuck in the middle and like I can’t win - my parents however see it as a big loyalty issue.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2024 23:31

"also it is just awkward not seeing them eg when we meet up with other extended family they are basically excluded."

"they are basically excluded" - does this mean other members of family feel obliged to choose between you/your parents, and this other family member?

How, exactly, is it within the power of your parents to make the whole family choose between them and this other family member? Either the family member has committed some awful sin, or, your parents harangue everyone to tug their forelock and fall into line. I presume, since you want to get back in touch with them, that they have NOT committed some awful sin - so just how are your parents getting them excluded from family meet-ups?

MumChp · 12/03/2024 23:32

You are a grown up. Do as you like!

redalex261 · 12/03/2024 23:35

See the extended family if you want to. You indicated the reasons for estrangement are trivial - parents shouldn’t be blackmailing you like this. They don’t have to see them.

NewName24 · 12/03/2024 23:57

I’m just feeling very stuck in the middle and like I can’t win - my parents however see it as a big loyalty issue.

Perhaps say to your parents
"You brought be up to think for myself and form my own opinions and make my own decisions. I'm not going to change that now".

A little bit of suggesting you are giving them credit for being the thinking person you are now might help ?

anon4net · 13/03/2024 00:17

Context and reasons help. But ultimately your parents should want to control who you see and have a relationship with. There's no reason to have to pick 'sides' you can love your parents deeply and still see an aunt/uncle that they've fallen out with. Families up and down the country have those situations all the time.

Having said that, I can see there are a few situations where someone may feel justifiably not okay and while it doesn't sound like those reasons (abuse, theft etc. etc.) I'd give it some serious thought while acknowledging your parents should not be manipulating you to cut ties with people if they are safe people and it's just a fall out.

Containerhome · 13/03/2024 04:57

@Squiggles23 I have heard worse bat Shittery for people falling out... 🤣

I was feeling dramatic this evening 🤣

@CoralSloth maybe sit down with your parents and explain your reasons you will be speaking to them? And then just leave it at that. They don't need to know when or what you are taking to them about.

Or just say when there is a family gathering etc then you plan to be civil and pleasant and leave it at that.

NancyJoan · 13/03/2024 21:48

I’m sorry that your parents are in Year 9. See who you like, they’ll get bored of the drama soon enough.

SKG231 · 13/03/2024 21:49

You are an adult and you make your own choices.

you said nothing really happened so it’s not as if your parents think you’re going against something unforgivable that was done to them.

they need to separate their relationship with the family member to your relationship with the family member as their anger is clouding their judgment.

if they loved you they wouldn’t make you choose

Scaffoldingisugly · 13/03/2024 21:50

I had a relationship with my dm and her dsis although they didn't see each other for decades. Aunt died and dm didn't even go to her funeral... Your dps are being ridiculous...

Gollumm · 13/03/2024 21:58

You can have a relationship with them if you so wish, your parents have no right to dictate whether you see these family members or not. Your parents don’t have to know if you meet up with the others, you are an adult and don’t have to tell them everything you do.

Noseybookworm · 13/03/2024 22:09

How will you feel if your parents cut contact with you? Is having a relationship with your extended family member worth losing your relationship with them? On the face of it, your parents' attitude seems unreasonable but don't underestimate the hurt caused to them by what they see as your disloyalty. They obviously feel that you should be taking their side in the dispute, especially if cruel and hurtful things were said that they still feel upset about.

BeaRF75 · 13/03/2024 22:14

You can see whoever you want, OP, and you absolutely do not need your parents' permission. It's astonishing that they even dare to ask this of you.

beanii · 13/03/2024 22:19

Just be aware it may cost you your parents.

NewName24 · 13/03/2024 23:28

beanii · 13/03/2024 22:19

Just be aware it may cost you your parents.

But OP seeing her other relative s occasionally won't cost her her parents.

It is the parents' controlling attitude that might cost her the relationship with her parents. It is important to be clear about that.
If parents say "But you chose to go to that birthday meal with Bill and Jane rather than side with us" you can honestly reply "I chose to go to the meal, yes, but I am not siding with anyone. I would like to see all of you. It is only you that are trying to make this into some sort of binary choice. Now, do you want to come over for tea next Saturday ?"

SkaneTos · 13/03/2024 23:41

Can you see the extended family, and be discreet about it?
Can the extended family in question be discreet about it?

Flip

1 2