To see extended family despite parents not wanting me too

[CoralSloth]

Posting here to hopefully get some clarity as feel I’m to involved to have a fair opinion. For context I am an adult with my own family.

A few years ago, my parents fell out with one member of the extended family. This had probably been a long time coming for both of them, and wasn’t because of one major thing but lots of little things over a long period of time (and two people being too similar and not listening to each others sides!). I don’t think either party were particularly at fault and this falling out did not involve me in anyway.

My parents felt very strongly that I should cut contact with this member of the extended family, although I did not agree. This caused a lot of upset between us, and after A LOT of back of forth, I reluctantly agreed to not see them for a short period of time as I wasn’t sure what else I could do (although in hindsight we didn’t specify for how long) whilst my parents ‘dealt’ with what had happened.

I now feel that it is time for me to get back into contact with this member of extended family. I want to have a relationship with them, and also it is just awkward not seeing them eg when we meet up with other extended family they are basically excluded.

My parents however are outraged that I am considering this and do not want me to ever see them again. I want to have a relationship with my parents, and am not expecting them to speak to or see this member of family. However, they are alluding to the fact they will never see us again if we do.

AIBU - to see a member of extended family that my parents have fallen out with?

As an adult you can decide who you can contact. It seems your parents are controlling you. In your position I would stand up to them.

@CoralSloth imagine letting your parents dictate to you for the rest of your life whom you can and cannot contact? Imagine all the perceived slights and tiffs that you will get dragged into by them if you don’t nip this in the bud now.

have relationships with whom you want. Refuse to be involved in others squabbles.

If your parents pull back from you - then that’s on them. I certainly wouldn’t be kowtowing to them because of emotional blackmail - their behaviour is more likely to push me away.

I can relate to this, DM fell out a family member over a silly issue. Things escalated and they haven’t spoke for ten years. I ultimately got dragged into it by association despite not being involved. I decided to reach out to this family member after a decade, and got cut off by DM and have since been NC. It shocks me that parents could dictate who you choose to speak to as an adult, it’s so petty.

I'm in this situation and I feel I have lost part of my family. Dm and her 2 sisters fell out with their youngest sister over their dm's death about 13 years ago. She didn't attend the funeral or that of her sister (they had been close) 6 years ago.
I used to really get on well with my aunty who is only 7 years older than me and I used to babysit for her 3 children when they were very young. She moved around a lot to different countries and I don't have contact details. I know my dm would be very unhappy if I did make contact.

See who you want and put boundaries in with your parents about their manipulative behaviour. They all sound very petty

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. What are you getting out of either relationship? If it is all trivial both sets may want you to side with them (even if this isn’t vocalised)

are you particularly close to the other family or is it just you are pure hearted enough not to hate? If its just want to be able to say hi on the street then do so but don’t give your families news to them, just your own

You parents are being very unfair. They have a right to choose not to speak to the relative, but they don’t have a right to tell you what to do. You’re not a child and can make your own informed decisions.

You are an adult who can make their own choices not a teen whose parents can pull their strings ,if your parents choose to cut you off let them be petty and do it

What relative is it?
extended family, I’ve never used that term before!

YANBU Your parents need to understand that just because they have a problem with some one or a falling out doesn’t make it anyone else’s issue and shouldn’t expect you to cut family members off because they tell you too. It isn’t healthy for them to put you in that situation. It’s childish of your parents, it’s the equivalent of two school children falling out and one of them expecting everyone to turn on the other person, it would be bullying.
It equally isn’t fair you have to choose extended family or your parents. sitting down with your parents to explain you just want to stay neutral but you do respect their feelings, you just cant be expected to get involved in their disagreements.

What relationship? It can't be much of one if they're willing to cut all contact with her and her family because she chose to meet up with another adult.

Aunts, uncles,cousins,grandparents etc.

I think you need to think how you would feel if you were in your parents position and guide your decision from that.
So, If you fell out with someone to the extreme of no longer speaking to them, how would you feel if your parents then decided to contact that person knowing it would hurt you?
I think it depends where you stand with loyalty. If you would expect them to be loyal to you in that situation, then don’t contact the relative. If you would learn to live with their decision, then contact the relative.
I think you need to be prepared for it to damage your relationship with your parents though, because they are likely to view it as a betrayal and may not trust that you won’t stab them in the back to the relative.
Family politics can be explosive.

It is absolutely toxic and dysfunctional for members of a family to tell other members that they must ostracise another relative.

This is the sort of stuff you see in primary school playgrounds. In an adult it is completely unacceptable to tell another adult who they are allowed be friendly with.

OP, I'd suggest reading up on narcissism, it may ring bells for you. If you feel like reading a book, have a look at Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Also have a look at the Stately Homes threads here.

Where I'm coming from is someone who has been shunned by all but 1 person on my "mother's" side of the family (father is deceased). My "mother", who never helped me with my kids once but was happy to criticise them and my parenting, told me that if I was a proper mother she would have a better relationship with her grandchildren. That was it for me, I wasn’t prepared to take any more abuse.
I've been in therapy for over 2 years while she plays the victim, crying about how she misses me, whilst not admitting what she said, or that she wrote calling me a liar and telling me to leave her alone.
I've recently found out that she told her family that I said what she actually said, and they believed it, cutting me off without even trying to establish what happened.

It has been devastating for me, now I realise how toxic they are I don't want them I my life, but it has been so very hard. I never would have believed things could be so bad. But I have my own family and good friends, as well as my integrity.

Telling you this as, as others have said here, you could lose your parents over this. It's shit and I wish you all the best in dealing with this awful situation.

So, If you fell out with someone to the extreme of no longer speaking to them, how would you feel if your parents then decided to contact that person knowing it would hurt you?

Not that it is something I tend to do, but, if I did fall out with someone, I would acknowledge that was between me and the person I fell out with, and absolutely nothing to do with anyone else I know or am related to.

I think it depends where you stand with loyalty. If you would expect them to be loyal to you in that situation, then don’t contact the relative. If you would learn to live with their decision, then contact the relative.

'Loyalty' is an odd word in this situation.
Loyalty doesn't mean "siding with one person in an argument, without any regard for the validity of that argument"

Not that they would have, but, if my parents (or my dc, or anyone else close to me) has a falling out with someone, to the extent that they don't speak to them, that would be between them and that person. It is nothing to do with me. The same as is I fell out with someone, it would be nothing to do with my parents.
We are all independent beings, with the ability to think our own separate thoughts and make our own judgements on situations.

I think you need to be prepared for it to damage your relationship with your parents though, because they are likely to view it as a betrayal and may not trust that you won’t stab them in the back to the relative.

The Op has said this falling out is not about any serious incident, but just a series of differences of opinion.
Obviously, if someone had been abused or something then it would be different circumstances, but OP has told us this isn't the case. Therefore "stab them in the back" seems somewhat hyperbolic.

It is the OP's parents who are being unreasonable in - in the first place even suggesting any other adult has to become involved in their dispute - then, in suggesting they will terminate their relationship with their own dd if she decides to make her own decisions about who she does or doesn't talk to in her life.
It's not the OP deciding to cut any family ties.

Would I be correct in thinking that this is your sibling and that they fell out with your parents because they are touchy and tried to control the,?

Siblings are not extended family.